A Study In Contradictions
by Bye11
Summary: "I don't say embrace trouble. That's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say, meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it." (Oliver Wendell Holmes)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I have been encouraged by your response to my last fiction (thanks to everyone the read it!) and so I decided to post this one too. It's a song fiction, based on Red and Black from the musical Les Misérables. I understand that it might seem too much 'dramatic' for a subtle drama like The Good Wife but it felt right to me. Let me know what you think. It's in Will's POV and it includes spoilers until Red Team, Blue Team.**

**_Enjolras:  
_**_The time is near...  
So near... it's stirring the blood in their veins! _

The ride in that luxurious elevator towards that ridiculously overpriced suite was a masterpiece of restraint. After years spent secretly and not-so-secretly coveting her, Alicia had agreed to what was sure to be an exceptional moment. He was eager like an adolescent on a first date but he felt the hesitation of his companion and the last thing he wanted was to scare her into retreat. So, despite his singing blood, he moved just his hand, slowly, gently but firmly enough to dismiss the idea of any "maybes" on his part. Then, he started kissing her, coaxing her to respond to him as he had always wished. When she acquiesced to his silent desire, all bets were off.

_And yet beware..._

The key card that wouldn't work felt like the umpteenth omen. Could the universe give them a break for an hour ? Was that too much to ask to the Gods in charge of their fates ? He felt frustrated at the delay. One second more somehow felt longer than the years before. When she took the card with her smug smile he answered with an incredulous one of his own, ecstatic at breaking his tension. The light on the door turned green and all the fears dissipated.

_Don't let the wine go to your brains! _

The thud of the door closing was not enough to snap him out of his dreamlike state. Except that his post-coital glow was all too real. The fantasy that had plagued him ever since she had started working at his firm had been acted in the bed he was currently standing him and even though he considered himself a fairly creative person, no image his brain had concocted had even come close to the actual situation. No 8000$ wine could ever make him feel like this. No exhilarating case in court. No Bulls playoff match. He was drunk on lust sated and on that other l-word that he dared not admit to himself. Not again, not yet.

_For the army we fight is a dangerous foe  
With the men and the arms that we never can match  
Oh, it's easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies  
But the national guard will be harder to catch._

Not yet because Alicia had left him because of her kids. She had Zach and Grace to take care of. Two teenagers that had more power than an army . How could he match what Peter had given her? Alicia had a very strong sense of family and a burning need not to imitate her own mother. She had told him after a very long studying session of Family law. She had told him about her parents' divorce and how much it had hurt her and her brother. So he knew. He knew Zach and Grace were no temporary obstacles. They were a ticking time bomb.

_We need a sign  
To rally the people  
To call them to arms  
To bring them in line!  
Marius, you're late._

He had been very late to the party. No, not in developing feelings. Those had come easily enough. One semester at Georgetown and he was lost. He still could recall vividly to his mind the image of that first Christmas in his post-Alicia calendar. He had been in a pub with his high school friends. He was a much worse liar back then and they had immediately spotted that there was something different within him.

**_Jean Provaire:  
_**_What's wrong today?  
You look as if you've seen a ghost.  
__**Grantaire:  
**__Some wine and say what's going on! _

They had immediately pried into his affairs. There was no way in which his behaviour could have been caused just by the stress of being a freshman in law school. Not for Will Gardner, life of the party and study machine extraordinaire. It had taken some wine to get him to talk.

**Marius:  
**_A ghost you say... a ghost maybe  
She was just like a ghost to me  
One minute there, and she was gone!_

He had tried to keep his cards as close to the vest as possible. But he had let it slip that her name was Alicia, she was a freshman like him, she was smart and crazily competitive, she had a great laugh and an equally great body. He had used more cheese in that one conversation than in the 15 years that had followed.

**Grantaire:  
**_I am agog!  
I am aghast!  
Is Marius in love at last?  
I have never heard him 'ooh' and 'aah'  
You talk of battles to be won  
But here he comes like Don Ju-an  
It's better than an o-per-a! _

He had left them all quite speechless. Will Gardner was a serial dater but he didn't 'ooh' and 'aah'. Women had always been drawn to him and he had taken advantage of this situation. No fuss around it. No radios outside the windows nor thoughtfully arranged presents or heavy-breathing declarations. In a semester, Alicia had transformed him into the worst kind of stereotype, the kind of man he would have laughed about a few months prior. She was unaware, of course, but all the others around him, those that remembered a Will B.A. couldn't help but notice.

**Enjolras:  
**_It is time for us all  
To decide who we are...  
Do we fight for the right  
To a night at the opera now?_  
_Have you asked of yourselves  
What's the price you might pay?  
Is it simply a game  
For rich young boys to play?_

Jason had not taken it well. To him Will's current girlfriend worked perfectly. She didn't take too much of his time when he was home, and he didn't have to listen to him blabbing about her when they hang out. Will had laughed then. In many circumstances, he had to admit, he had projected the image of being a man's man. But he was more than that. This more included a penchant for quick-witted brunettes who didn't like being treated as dolls. He was at least willing to consider foregoing nights in a bar or afternoons playing basketball to embrace nights at the opera or whatever else Alicia craved. After all, hadn't it been his dream to become one of the best lawyers in the US? Lawyers traded pastimes for work. Who said that it was nobler than trading them for the company of an extraordinary woman?

_The color of the world  
Is changing  
Day by day...  
Red - the blood of angry men!  
Black - the dark of ages past!  
Red - a world about to dawn!  
Black - the night that ends at last!___

His attitude was changing day by day. By the time the break was over he had dumped his girlfriend convinced to have fallen in love. He had felt ready to turn the page, to witness the dawn of a new day in Will Gardner's life. But back at Georgetown watching her, spending time with her felt amazing and at the same time terrifying. Being detached from women had prevented him from ever experiencing that love that went beyond mere lust and infatuation but had also kept him from being torn apart. The more the days passed the more he understood the power that Alicia had over him. What if she rejected him? She had caught the attention of many of his male companions. What if she preferred someone else over him? Could Will Gardner ever recover from that kind of pain and move forward without being irreparably different? At the end his fear to gamble it all had decided for him. Alicia had started seeing Peter and all was shattered. He let her go. He didn't run after her. Who was he, a novice to love, to be sure that he would have made her happier than Peter? But he blamed himself most of all. Alicia could never answer a question he hadn't asked. After more than 15 years he still hadn't learned his lesson. When Alicia had told him in tears "It's too much", he had released her without fighting, without asking whether in the future he could help making that too much bearable. He hadn't wanted to tax her with his doubts. He hadn't said anything when she had come to him terribly frightened at the idea that their relationship (he refused to categorize it as an affair) could come to light. He hadn't spoken his hurt at being considered a dirty little secret to be swept under the rug. He worked with her, he loved her and endured. All to make her life easier. Always for her.

**Marius:  
**_Had you been there tonight  
You might know how it feels  
To be struck to the bone  
In a moment of breathless delight!  
Had you been there tonight  
You might also have known  
How the world may be changed  
In just one burst of light! _

Hearing her in court destroy their client on the stand with that seemingly effortless ability of hers had been the last straw. She was punishing him for the revoked partnership offer. As if he could ever had anything to do with something that hurt her. Him that had borne all that pain to avoid her a difficult conversation. If she didn't trust him after all he had done in these years, what was the point anymore? So the anger emerged and he lashed out at her for her behavior. It took a bit for him to realize why the spark in her eyes was so familiar. It was the same burst of light that she had had that first time he had argued her in Tort class, the same burst of light that she got when she wanted to try something new and different. A burst of light that meant lust and danger. He recognized the warning but he forged ahead. When Alicia's eyes were chanting like that, it was a siren call he had to answer. He took his chances.

_And what was right  
Seems wrong  
And what was wrong  
Seems right... _

In those few moments his lips touched hers he could not understand how a code that kept them apart could in any way be considered moral. Was unhappiness prescribed in order to be moral? Did wanting her to abandon her husband and his campaign and give them a real chance make him a heartless home-wrecker? When their breaths mingled he felt he would bear the label proudly if it meant their proximity never had to stop. Then his rationality intervened and he remembered why he had always acted the way he did. It was never to preserve his morality. It was to preserve hers, for her never to question hers. So he did the "right" thing and let her run away.

**Grantaire:  
**_Red..._  
**Marius:  
**_I feel my soul on fire!_

Standing alone in her office he knew that he should feel some kind of guilt but he was electrified. One kiss with Alicia could set him on fire, not just physically but intellectually too. He wanted to chase her, make love to her in her car and then argue the case all the way to his home where he would lock her in for a scorching night.

**Grantaire:  
**_Black..._  
**Marius:  
**_My world if she's not there..._

Unfortunately wishing something didn't make it come true. He was left with a probably-sleepless, alone night ahead of him, dreaming of a woman who would berate herself for kissing him. A night in the dark of his room hoping somehow that all that love he felt would go away and give him a possibility at a future in which he actually liked his life.

**Chorus:  
**_Red..._  
**Marius  
**_The color of desire!_

He was glad that for the conversation they were having she wasn't wearing the red outfit that she had donned in court a few days prior. She was always alluring but when she wore red he was reminded that she could choose not to be a good girl when she wanted. Beige was better. Beige was neutral. Beige helped in concealing his urge to kiss her again and again while she was asking whether the promotion depended on their stolen moment. If only she knew how much he admired her as a professional she would never doubt.

**Chorus:  
**_Black..._**  
Marius:****_  
_**_The color of despair! _

Despair was a state of being reserved for life-changing, devastating emotions. Was it possible to feel despair when she had kept him at arm's length so many times before? Despair was the only word that could encapsulate totally his feeling when at his suggestion that they never stay in a room together she had answered with an ok. Not with a resounding "No", not with a "Will, isn't that excessive?". Ok meant no more talks. Ok meant no more late night strategy sessions. Ok meant distance. Ok was what she said. Despair was what he felt.

**Enjolras  
**_Marius, you're no longer a child  
I do not doubt you mean it well  
But now there is a higher call  
Who cares about your lonely soul  
We strive toward a larger goal  
Our little lives don't count at all! _

She said she was sorry. His second nature was to make her comfortable, to make it so her apology wouldn't even have to exist. What did Will's suffering mean when stacked against the highness of politics, of the governorship of Illinois and maybe even more? What argument did he stand to make for himself when she could hurt the people she loved the most in the word? His pain didn't count. He blamed himself. If he could stop loving her, the pain would disappear.

**Enjolras and Chorus:  
**_Red - the blood of angry men! _

He blamed mostly himself but she deserved to be held partly accountable. She kept keeping him on the hook, not giving him any closure. Ok was not enough. "Ok Will, it's time to let go of your fantasy". "Ok Will, especially because I'm going back to Peter". "Ok Will, it's over forever". Wasn't he owed at least that? Ok was sloppy. Ok made him angry.

_Black - the dark of ages past! _

It was mostly upsetting because it reminded him of the years in limbo. Those years just after Alicia had married Peter in which he had been in a Purgatory of his own making. He had wondered more than once if she had chosen Peter because he never made himself clear, because he hadn't had the courage of making his feelings plain to her. Before losing her again, for good, he wanted to ask the question.

_Red - a world about to dawn! _

And she had kissed him back. She had come to him when the two of them separated. Was it so absurd to believe that she could do it again? After the elections, of course. He wouldn't ask to withdraw her support. But later, after all the votes were cast, he supposed she had to make a decision about her marriage. Maybe if he offered a steady alternative, if he went to her with a plan, maybe this time he could be lucky. Maybe it could mean a new shot at a real love.

_Black - the_ _night that ends at last!_

It could also mean ultimate rejection. At the very least, though, he would be granted leave from Purgatory. Maybe he was slated to start his penance in Hell, maybe he could rejoice indulging in Heavenly pleasures but no more time spent rewriting history with ifs. She would hate this conversation, he knew. But he had been selfless enough with her to believe that she could stand withstanding awkwardness and whatever other feeling she would have to endure and still be her friend. If not, well, she wasn't as deserving of his love as he thought. He would ask, as he should have asked the day of Grace's disappearance. "Will you want us in a few months Alicia?". Nine words that would put it all on the table. One deed that could change history.

He had valued the pros and cons of surprising her or maybe of giving her the heads-up before THE talk. He decided against it. Ultimately it was a question of whether her feelings were strong enough to accept his plan. You can't reason feelings.

So one night when they were alone again at the office, he took courage and went to her office:

"Alicia we need to talk".

**I marked this as complete because I am not sure that I will be able to write the conversation in a satisfying manner that stays in character and because even before the conversation I would like to add Alicia's POV leading to this moment. But before embarking in the task I would love to know if you liked this one. It took a bit a life of his own. Hope you enjoy! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks to all those who read this story and especially to those who reviewed it. I don't know why but getting in Alicia's head seems to be much more difficult than getting into Will's. Anyway, I'm not at all satisfied with the result. Chapter 1 is much better but I still felt that Alicia had to have her say before the conversation. The quotes in italic are from Stevenson's "Strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde". I want to believe that I don't know how to write Alicia well because she is two characters at once ;). **

_"It was the curse of mankind that these incongruous faggots were thus bound together—that in the agonised womb of consciousness, these polar twins should be continuously struggling. How, then were they dissociated?" _

Before the fated press-conference that revealed her as an humiliated wife, Alicia Florrick's life hadn't been easy. She had had to deal with her parents' divorce, helping her brother come out to her father, her father's loss and the hardships of a long-standing marriage.

The press conference didn't shatter her belief that life was perfect because a pragmatic spirit like her never indulged in what she felt was a childish delusion. What that press conference shattered was her moral center, her belief in right and wrong.

Growing up she had been dubbed as "the good girl", "the saint", "the perfect woman" and she had taken these labels and accepted her part to play in the world. But she felt they were misrepresenting her. She wasn't intrinsically honorable. She had just always skirted away from moral ambiguity. She had been lucky enough to always desire what was appropriate, legitimate, moral.

When her parents had divorced she had been a teenager but she had known it was the wrong thing for Owen and she had said so vehemently. When in her Family law class Will Gardner had argued that there was no sanctity to the contract of marriage anymore and that as such it shouldn't be granted privileges over the others she had stood up and disagreed. There was something to be said for picking a life path and sticking with it. Choosing a life partner and promising forever was a different commitment than agreeing to render services for money. There was a sanctity to it and it concerned the fundamental necessity of having someone to rely on at any point in life, no matter the situation. Someone that wouldn't expect money or payback of any kind. Someone that among all the people in the world had selected you as the one worth living a life with. It was a pure notion. No amount of evolution in society could cloud it.

"You know, sometimes I argue a point just to see if I am capable of it. I don't necessarily believe every word that comes out of my mouth. You can go easier on me the next time" he had said coming to find her when the class was over.

She had already noticed him during Orientation Week, doing cannon-balls at the pool, unafraid of the stares of the other students and then again the first week when they first had squared off in Tort class. He was rhetorically talented and his eyes had a way of selling or undercutting every word he was pronouncing. Such great eyes in such a handsome face.

"Come on, let's get a drink to blow off the steam of the dispute. You might not hate me that much if you get a glimpse of the real me."

He had smiled then in an easy, non-predatory way and she had felt all the anger she had accumulated towards him just dissipate. He had managed to put her at ease with a few words. Bravo, Mr Gardner, bravo! You will be great at handling clients. And so that night their friendship began, incredibly born out of a dispute on marriage.

When Peter had proposed she hadn't had any doubt. Marriage was something Alicia would be great at, as with everything else, and her good sense had never lied before. Peter was a great man. He was smart, ambitious, funny, confident, handsome and with her same set of ideas of how life should go. Saying yes was not only what she wanted. It was the perfect choice.

The first time she had perceived a fluttering in her belly and she had recognized it as her baby boy starting to move she hadn't cried, she hadn't called her mother or Peter eager to share the news but she had learned in that one moment that she would do anything for the human being that was currently inside her. Anything to be the mother he deserved. The choice of leaving the law for him had come naturally like all the others before it. Law had a way of becoming ambiguous, of creating a fine line between legal and illegal rather than between right and wrong. Love towards her child was absolute, certain and couldn't be tweaked and transformed into something perverse. Alicia thrived in paved paths. She gave up being a lawyer and she became a mom.

Parenting is the kind of activity that doesn't come with an instructions manual. Instinct does matter a great deal, though, and that's why she was sure that whatever storm she and Peter faced with the kids, her moral centre would carry her through. Looking back at those years, she remembered them as the last period of blessed ignorance, when she still had a functioning compass that could show her the way.

She was unprepared to deal with Peter's betrayal. She was unprepared for the press conference, for him going to prison, for suddenly having to be the only parent in their children's life, for having to go back to work. Her head, her world, it was all spinning and just like all those years ago, there was one person that could make it stop with just a few words. When she had called, desperate, he hadn't made tawdry jokes about Peter, he hadn't pitied her, he hadn't coddled her. He had treated her as the girl she was at Georgetown:

"How am I going to tell the partners that I am going to bring in someone that used to kick my ass in law school? They'll consider me a failure" he had said and she had heard the smile from his tone. She had imagined his face then, his lips curled up in that serene expression that he seemed to have around her back then. He had then turned serious:

"I know it might ring untrue, but I think that you'll love going back to the law. When you're so great as you were, there must be an hidden part of you that missed it"

"I truly hope so. I'll see you Monday. And, Will, thank you"

"It's my gain, Alicia. It's me that should be thanking you. See you soon"

When the conversation ended she was surprised in finding that she was smiling. For a while she had believed to have lost that particular ability. Will brought it back. He always did.

15 years is not enough to erase the penchant that had driven Alicia to the law in the first place. If the world had to have a code of justice that wasn't Biblical or Draconian, lawyers had to be protectors of it. The day-to-day job had more to do with finding clever ways to circumvent the law than to defend it and that's what made it being an attorney a two-faced profession. Ambiguity was their middle name but once you discovered that great men like Peter could also be sucking the toes of prostitutes, there was no avoiding it anymore. You had to embrace it, to be engulfed by it.

_"I have been doomed to such a dreadful shipwreck: that man is not truly one, but truly two. I say two, because the state of my own knowledge does not pass beyond that point.  
Others will follow, others will outstrip me on the same lines; and I hazard the guess that man will be ultimately known for a mere polity of multifarious, incongruous and independent denizens. I, for my part, from the nature of my life, advanced infallibly in one direction and in one direction only. It was on the moral side, and in my own person, that I learned to recognise the thorough and primitive duality of man; I saw that, of the two natures that contended in the field of my consciousness, even if I could rightly be said to be either, it was only because I was radically both; and from an early date, even before the course of my scientific discoveries had begun to suggest the most naked possibility of such a miracle, I had learned to dwell with pleasure, as a beloved daydream, on the thought of the separation of these elements"_

The biggest downside was that the answer to the question "What do I want?" was becoming more and more complex. Who was Alicia Florrick? Was she the wife that stuck by her husband at press-conferences, that wanted him out of prison, the hen that protected her kids and hoped everything would just calm down? Was she the woman that wanted Peter to suffer for betraying her so thoroughly, that found herself thinking about Will a tad too often to be normal?

Consoling him when he was convinced to have played craps with a kid's life was friendly, maybe even a bit motherly. Kissing him with wanton abandon, moaning at the contact of their lips wasn't. Thanking or damning the stars for him not being in his office when she had been taken by a deep desire to take a step further wasn't. The line between them was blurry and difficult to follow.

Will Gardner was no ordinary man. He wasn't petty, he didn't put his pride and gratification before her concerns. Instead he joked, he proposed impromptu dinners at the office with pizzas and beers and made her breath. She would almost venture to say that she loved him for it. At Peter's press-conference when Will had tried to push forward, she had reminded him that her surname came with strings and he had dropped it, like the reasonable man he was.

Missed connections were part of the Cavanaugh-Florrick/Gardner theme but for some reason that recording that spoke of the second unheard message hit her harder than she had imagined. She and Peter were getting better, Will had a girlfriend. Cards had been dealt and played. Why then the need to go back and revisit the past? Sometimes she had to admit that knowing why she thought what she thought was challenging. In this particular case, it partly had to do with that CNBC news that had pulled the rug from under her. Peter had apologized countless times for his transgressions but never once had he explained why he had felt that need in the first place. Did he feel that she was frigid? Was he trying to mend fences because he felt guilty? Would he go back to his philandering ways once he had gotten her completely back? Will was the opposite. He made her feel wanted, cherished and so important. Most of all he made her feel complicit. They could talk without opening their mouths, they could be partners-in-crime and a defensive duo extraordinaire and it felt glorious. Cheating was not in her makeup, Owen had told her, and yet she had to hear what the normally-so-guarded Will Gardner sounded like when he spilled his heart. He had lied, she was sure of it. Nothing about saying "You made the right choice" screamed the kind of exposition that would lead his friend to tell him "You spill your heart in person". But she understood. Will didn't want to reopen that chapter, not with so much water under the bridge.

Circumstances had a way of steering you in one path. Tequilas with Will after the judge's case had seemed innocuous enough. Alicia was not immune to alcohol. It lowered her inhibitions. It made her ask Will about the girlfriend, it made her answer truthfully to how an unmissed moment would be between them. Exceptional was the first word that came to her mind. Exceptional and she wanted to live it. On the ride over, she felt hesitant up until his hand reached hers and then she let lust take over. When he touched her, no other voice in her head could talk, there was only a liberating sensation of wanting more and more. When he kissed her, he was reverent but demanding. When they had sex, he was strong but willing to share dominance. When they reached that primal connection he was watching her, rapt at seeing her ecstasy play out. The experience was exhilarating and most definitely not once-and-for-all.

Continuing the affair had been simple. She felt bold, reinvigorated, young, sexy, smart and competitive all wrapped in one single package. She wasn't one to put much credence in philosophers, especially those like Freud, but she had to admit that her newfound happiness and lightness had to do with Will. He had, almost miraculously, found the perfect equilibrium with her. He didn't hide his sexual fantasies from her but he had a way of talking and looking that convinced her that nothing she did could ever, in any way, diminish her worth. So she experimented, she proposed scenarios of her own, she felt satisfied.

_"If each, I told myself, could be housed in separate identities, life would be relieved of all that was unbearable; the unjust might go his way, delivered from the aspirations and remorse of his more upright twin; and the just could walk steadfastly and securely on his upward path, doing the good things in which he found his pleasure, and no longer exposed to disgrace and penitence by the hands of this extraneous evil."_

At times she wished not to be burdened by her conscience. Back when all the decisions had been "right", guilt was quite the foreign emotion. Now she was drowning in it. Even though her liaison with Will was visibly good for her, the mask of the adulteress didn't fit her completely. Would Zach and Grace feel betrayed again as they had already been by their father? How would she handle the transition from "Saint Alicia" to "Alicia"? And what about Will, that had felt the need to tell her that he wasn't interested in anyone else? She had willfully ignored that part of her that kept telling her that lust did not feel that good for that long. The other four-letter word did. She couldn't possibly start thinking about being in love with Will because that was the ultimate link between the two parts of her. Wanton Alicia could have a dirty affair with her boss. Mrs Florrick helped with her husband's campaign and kept her children as coddled as possible. The two souls could not meet. There was no equilibrium to be found otherwise.

_"I swear to God I will never set eyes on him again. I bind my honour to you that I am done with him in this world. It is all at an end. And indeed he does not want my help; you do not know him as I do; he is safe, he is quite safe; mark my words, he will never more be heard of. ~Jekyll" _

Thus, after Grace had returned home, Mrs Florrick had regained the upper hand and instead of trying to mediate, she had just thrown away her relationship with Will. It was easier to keep a lid on her rampant mind when she didn't routinely lose rational thought in Will's bed, on his wall and so on.

She had less to deal with, but it hadn't been necessarily less complicated. Will had always been and would always be at least her friend. The whole indictment situation was partly her fault and she couldn't do anything. Will could lose his license, his life, for a few months of her folly. She had apologized but he didn't want to hear it. "Don't be sorry for anything else." It was difficult to remember why she had felt that he was a complication and not just someone that made her life better.

During his suspension she had wanted to console him, to tell him that it would be over soon, to suggest that now he had more free time for fun activities. She didn't. Instead she heard his ex-girlfriend tell her that she had been the cause of the end of their relationship. There seemed to be clues over clues that Will's "Love you" hadn't been a slip of the tongue, it had been the affectionate greeting at the end of the conversation with one's partner. She couldn't let herself think like that, not when her family was finally healing. She refused to be selfish like her mother. Her family had to be the priority.

_"Strange as my circumstances were, the terms of this debate are as old and commonplace as man; much the same inducements and alarms cast the die for any tempted and trembling sinner; and it fell out with me, as it falls with so vast a majority of my fellows, that I chose the better part and was found wanting in the strength to keep to it." _

Addiction was arduous to overcome. One could go without for a long period and then fall for it all over again. When the object of the addiction came into her office, angry like she had never seen him before, she fought back. She had yelled that his behavior had hurt her even it wasn't really his fault, she had read his apology in his eyes. She had seen there his respect, his desire. And she had succumbed. Succumbed to his lips claiming hers, succumbed to that piece of her that had wanted him all along and that wanted him still today and would want him tomorrow and the day after. Him pulling away made her regain her bearings. She remembered her path to sobriety. How could she have slipped like that? Hadn't she alienated that lust-crazed being that was selfish and seemed to care only for her own gratification and happiness? Was her mother part of her genetic being more than she was willing to admit?

Hearing David Lee say that the partnership was hers to take hadn't felt half as gratifying as the first time. No matter how hard she tried not to dwell on the connection between Will kissing her and this offer, her brain wouldn't stop working. She had to ask him. Will had been his usual self. Quieted his doubts with a few words and then let her off the hook. He acted like he knew that he had been nothing more than a bad habit she had been trying to kick. She saw the different story being played in his eyes. He was asking to be proven wrong. She couldn't. Not when Peter was fighting an uphill battle. Not when her children had finally gotten back to a good place.

She channeled her Saint Alicia and tried to avoid him. She did not expect him to come to her office:

"Alicia, we need to talk."

_"I have been made to learn that the doom and burden of our life is bound forever on man's shoulders; and when the attempt is made to cast it off, it but returns upon us with more unfamiliar and more awful pressure." _

**A/N: Let me know if you have any tip in how to write Alicia. I can always get rid of this chapter but I would like the conversation to be in character. **


	3. Chapter 3

"Alicia, we need to talk"

The tone spelled trouble. When Will came to her office late at night with Lockhart/Gardner business he was always apologetic, as if he was keeping her from going home and being with her children or at least facetious. He teased her remembering that she had been a night owl, back at Georgetown. This was neither. It was pained but resolute. His look was the same one she knew well. The one he seemed to have just for her, the one reserved for private conversations. She stubbornly hoped to be wrong and asked for clarification.

"Is something wrong? Do you need me to do something?"

"No, nothing is wrong, at least nothing concerning our clients"

Her instinct when Will was concerned was rarely mistaken. Worry set in. She wasn't ready to talk their situation over with Will. She craved his presence and at the same time wished for distance because every time he pursued her seriously, resisting was an act of supreme strength. She tried again to sway the conversation away from forbidden topics:

"Will, I thought we agreed..."

"Yes, I know, and I truly hate to do this to you Alicia but if we ever want to put this behind us once and for all, you need to let me say something"

She didn't want him to proceed. Whatever he had to say, it would be something that would break the status-quo. She clung to the status-quo, but she couldn't possibly deny him the chance of speaking his mind. Not after everything he had done for her. Not when the part of her that still mourned the loss of his second message wanted to hear. She nodded, not trusting her own voice.

"I know that your life is complicated, I know that Zach and Grace are your priorities. I know that Peter is busy in a hard-fought campaign and that both Kresteva and Maddie Hayward hurt you, so you particularly want him to win. I know that you support him because you believe him to be a great politician. You might even love him."

Will had a knack for understanding her. How had he known about Kresteva and Maddie Hayward? The situation with her husband was complicated. She tried to find the words to explain:

"Peter and me..." she had just started but Will interrupted:

"I don't need to know. I just want to say that you have a choice. With you by his side, he will become Governor of Illinois, of that I have no doubt. You could stop there, you could leave him. Yes, your children would suffer, the press would be all over the scandal, you would have to truncate a 20-year-old relationship..."

He seemed to take a breath and Alicia steered herself for what was to come. She longed to hear what could possibly destroy them.

"When I list them all like that, it seems like it's not something worth considering. You know me, Alicia. I'm as proud as any other top-lawyer you have ever met. My car is convertible because sometimes I need the extra-space to store my ego."

She laughed at that comment and at his smile. Tears were gathering in her eyes but he could still reach her and touch the right cords to soothe her anxiety.

"But when it comes to you ever since that first year at Georgetown I was convinced that I would never be enough and thus I took away the choice altogether. I'm done with that Alicia. The kids are not children anymore, they would heal. The press would go away at the whiff of a new scandal and me, I'd be there to support you. I would like to believe that over the years I have presented convincing evidence that I could be the partner that you deserve. But we are lawyers so I'll throw in a closing argument, because this is a case I want to win. We would be so much more than romance. We would be hot sex and strategy nights. We would be drinks and pizzas and laughter. We would be basketball games and sneaky make-out sessions in boring stiff lawyers' galas. We would be grown-up clothes on the floor when your kids are out and sweats when they're in. We would be a real partnership, where there is no Alfa and Beta, where we don't take each other for granted, where you don't have to wonder if there is someone I want more than you. Ever. Because when you're in the room, everything else is dulled and out of focus."

How was she supposed to react to this? Will was using his considerable skills to close her, to bring her to his favored outcome. That silver tongue of his could be lethal in a court room and apparently also in an office on a deserted floor.

"Stern told me and Diane that when there is a partnership disagreement you look at the mission statement. So here it is, my mission statement, plain and simple. I love you Alicia, I've loved you ever since Georgetown. I am ready for commitment with you, I am ready to close the calls with "Love you" and mean it, to take you home from parent-teacher conferences or to wait for your call if you want to vent, weather whatever bad press might come, to never consider another woman ever again. I want to get to know your kids, make a good impression, I am sure I could persuade them that while I am not their father, I could be someone they could count on because their mother has held me captive for a long time. But now I'm asking the question I should have asked so many times in the past..."

Don't, she wanted to shout. Don't ask me a question I'm not ready to answer. Don't rob me of your precious support. Don't give me an ultimatum.

"Do you want us, Alicia? Do you see us ever getting together after Peter's election, do you see me as something more than just a friend with benefits?"

Alicia was crying now, as she had when they had broken up. So that was how a lawyer like Will Gardner did a serious love proclamation. There it was, the ultimatum, time to execute the perfect jump without safety net. Did she want Will? Yes, no question about it. Did she believe they could have something more than stolen moments? Yes, if she was honest with herself. Marriage was a sum of elements. Mutual admiration, mutual respect, mutual trust, mutual attraction, mutual love. All of those ingredients together with a profound friendship and Fortune's favors. She admired Will, she respected Will, she trusted Will, she wanted Will, she considered Will a friend. Did she love him as much as she had loved Peter? No, she didn't think that she could be that blind again. But it wasn't a bad thing. She knew now that love shouldn't force someone to live in the shadow. It should be the light in the darkness. She was a grown-up. She had steered the heart long enough to realize that the path to happiness is paved with compromises, with difficulties.

Did she love Will in an adult way? Probably. Was it enough to throw caution to the wind and risk everything? Did she want to gamble her future on the unsteady promises of love? Peter had hurt her, Peter had humiliated her, Peter had forced her to change. But Peter was sorry, Peter was the father of her children, Peter was trying his best to get her back, Peter wanted her for something more than the political campaign. Most of all, Peter was her husband. Peter was the man she had committed to, Peter was the man she had loved, Peter was the man she maybe still loved. Was she willing to throw in the old toy when it had started working again? And for what? For a crush on her forever friend?

Love movies were created this way. Two soul-mates meet, life intervenes and they break apart but then circumstances bring them back again and they realize what the right choice would have been all along. That meant regretting the entire second act. She could not regret her years with Peter, she would not regret her children nor the time spent raising them. The third part of the story was inextricably connected with the second. There were priorities to maintain, happiness of others to consider.

The joy, the freedom, the love the passion that he was offering her were so alluring. She knew that in his warm embrace she would feel sheltered, protected, cared for, loved. She knew that she could drop her guard and let him in without fearing him squandering her confidence and her affection. She knew that he could make her lose her mind and still have her back. She knew that life with Will would be for her nothing less than a dream.

She also remembered that she could make a difference for all the citizens of Illinois. She was certain that one didn't stop being a mother because adolescents became adults. She wanted to be that comforting presence for Zach and Grace when they wanted to be children again, if only for a moment. She needed to be the one person they could have blind faith in. She needed to show them, her mother and the entire Chicago that wedding vows meant something. She needed to prove to Georgetown Alicia that she hadn't been so entirely mistaken. Dreams and wishes were for Cinderellas. Alicia was a commander-in-chief. She had responsibilities, she had duties. Once the Rubicon had been crossed, there was no turning back.

That left her with the friend of a lifetime asking for love and having to turn him down. She hid her face in her hands with the excuse of calming herself.

"Will, I..." it was Gargantuan to pull out the words. Was she really closing the door forever on their relationship? Would he hate her for it? Would he understand? Tears kept streaming without control and she had to fight to pull back a sob and look him in the eye.

And then, just like that, it was all over. When she was vulnerable, Will could easily get everything just by looking at her. Through her watery eyes she saw the change in his eyes. They went from hopeful to distraught in a split second. His smile disappeared and he turned away from her. With his back to her, he kept talking:

"Thanks. I'm sorry for having done this to you. I just needed to have that last confirmation. Now I can move on and we can go back to being just the friends that we have always been."

His voice came from a depth of misery she had never heard in him before. And she couldn't possibly stand for him thinking that his approaches had been unwanted or nothing more than a nuisance she had to take care of.

"Will, if I weren't Mrs Florrick, it would be extraordinary to be part of the picture you've painted"

"You can stop being Mrs Florrick, Alicia. You can sever that tether once and for all and be free. You just don't want to. You don't think that we are worth the troubles that it would cost and that's fine. You can forget this conversation ever happened. I'll stop wondering what if and you can stop being weary around me. I won't act on anything anymore. I am a gambler but I have learned that there is a time to quit. Goodnight Alicia!"

He left in a hurry but as he was exiting her office she took a peak at his eyes. In the soft light they shined with non-cried tears and the anguish in them made her physically recoil. Suddenly right seemed such a foreign word. There was no righteousness to be found in hurting him so acutely. No rest for the woman that for others gave up his happiness.

From the recesses of her memory, her brain brought up the image of Will's face when she had first told him that she and Peter were an item. For a second there he had seemed struck by a violent force that had left him faltering. Then he had smiled and said "Let's hope he can keep up with you!".

Peter could, most of the times, but she had never quite forgotten what Will had told her that day as a parting thought "Greatness goes often underappreciated. Make sure he knows what he has and cherishes it properly". He had dropped all jokes and the deadly serious tone in which he had spoken together with the undertone of his look that asserted without doubts "I know. I would" had always given her an added step in her actions. Knowing what a man like Will Gardner believed about her was the safe harbor in troubling times.

What had she given him in return? Despair, pain, tears. Saint Alicia transformed in the Devil when he was concerned. A Temptress that never satisfied, a demon that seemed to inflict agony because that was her nature. But she had pronounced the ultimate denial and she was terrified of the aftershocks and so infinitely sorry. She had taken the only decision that made sense for Alicia Florrick. On the altar of common sense she had sacrificed the only relationship that kept her balanced.

Never had abnegation wounded her so much.

Then again, she had never lost Will Gardner before.

**A/N: Please, don't hate me too much. I'm almost as sorry as Alicia. This wasn't supposed to go like this. I wanted to write an happy ending but since I had already taken liberties with Will's character I couldn't get Alicia to make what is, in my opinion, the right decision. But, as you can see, this is not over yet. I'll fix it. I just think that Alicia is someone that needs to learn things the hard way. She needs a nudge from other sources in her life before abandoning her rational persona and going after what she truly wants. If you are still interested, next time I'll write Will after this very intense night. If you liked it or at least agree with me that Alicia wouldn't be swayed by just a conversation, not at this point in her life, please let me know :). **


	4. Chapter 4

_"O innocent victims of Cupid, Remember this terse little verse: To let a fool kiss you is stupid, To let a kiss fool you is worse."_

The expected value of a discrete random variable is the weighted average of all possible values taken on by the variable. The weights used are the probabilities of the different outcomes. Any gambler worth of this name would have, at one point in his life, glanced to a Statistics book and found the neat definition of expected value. The calculation was easy enough once you knew the probabilities of the results. Will had learned those basic notions a long time ago. Rationally the probability of her saying yes was low. Mathematically, that told him that what he should have expected was her refusal. A simple questions of numbers.

He should have known.

Game theory taught that in repeated games, the history of a game was fundamental in determining strategies and in assigning probabilities. The history of him and Alicia spoke of her running away from him, not towards him.

He should have known.

His friendship with Alicia had began after an intense dispute on marriage. Her defense of the institution had made her eyes sparkle with the ardor of a person who believed in what she was arguing for. It wasn't an exercise for her. It was standing up for her deep-seated opinions.

He should have known.

He should have known and yet, in those precious minutes in which he had reached her, he had made her smile, it was the burning fire of hope that had pushed him through. Maybe she would realize that she was too great to be used, even with her consent, as a political puppet. Maybe her and Peter weren't doing so well as he had thought. Maybe she had come to the conclusion that her children loved her and wanted her happiness before anything else. Maybe she loved him enough to jump with him.

While sitting on his couch, with a scotch in his hand, he looked back at those moments and his ideas were revealed as what they truly were: delusions. Delusions of a man who had fallen in love alone and that was stubborn and proud enough to believe that the object of his affection could change her mind. Fool.

He was quietly weeping. Tears that had remained unshed in front of her were now falling without control. Will Gardner wasn't a crier. But on a night like this, when the woman that was his undying obsession, had shut him out, for good, tears came and he let them stream.

He saw what a simpleton he had been. He had convinced himself that even if she refused him, he would have been better off because at least there would be no limbo anymore. Idiot. He had underestimated the power of hope. That simple but mighty feeling that had taken roots in his soul in the last four years. Life was unpredictable at times. Until one was sure, could replaced did. Could meant a world full of likely and unlikely scenarios. Could was what accused clung to while they waited for the jury. Could was the difference between a wish and a fantasy.

His reality was that Alicia did refuse him, and the fire of hope had been extinguished. Ashes were what remained. Ashes of a Will ready for commitment, ashes of a Will wanting something more than work.

History could still teach him something. How to cope with the aftermath. He had been brushed off before, not so directly, but the substance was the same. He would keep his distance for a while. They didn't have any case together and the bureaucracy of the firm called for large meetings when there was business to discuss. That would give him time enough to stop the bleeding. It would be the first step in the path to the wound transforming into a scar. The part that hurt the most. He would pass that first hurtle. Then they would ease back into a tentative friendship and this time he wouldn't let it go any further. No improvised dinners, no more bars and tequila, no time spent lingering in her office just to talk. He could fake being just her friend. After all, what was one more mask for a master puppeteer? Mrs Governor would have for sure obligations to maintain. She might even move to Springfield and perhaps Washington in the future.

He would survive and maybe this time he would be granted the chance to truly move on.

_"If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, The appetite may sicken, and so die."_

* * *

_"Une vraie mère n'est pas libre"*_

When she returned home she was grateful to open the door to complete silence. Her makeup was still smudged and she didn't want her children to see her like this. But, after changing and washing her face, she opened their doors and watched them sleep for a while. That was enough to calm her down. Of course they were the most important thing.

There was no happiness for her without theirs. She had seen the tentative smiles on their faces become more and more permanent since the situation between her and Peter had improved. They were growing up but their family was their foundation. A solid foundation was always better than a shaky one.

Their grins would cover Will's eyes, their smiles would mute Will's words, their trust would make her forget this night ever happened. Will's feelings would be that box of memories that one puts in the closet, never to be opened for a long time.

What she was afraid to not overcome was the guilt. How could she look at him again and not apologize over and over? Guilt is dangerous when paired with love. In a world in which she was indifferent to Will, her refusal would not plague her forever. She would feel gratitude but gratitude was not love. In the world she lived in, Will was one of the most important people.

She could forbid herself from saying or thinking that she was in love with him all she wanted but rationality could only go so far. In bed, with her eyes closed thoughts ran rampant and tears were the inevitable consequence. She cried because she had the power of making the one she loved feel blessed and she didn't. His happiness was in a simple yes from her, in a smile and she had denied him all of that. She had denied herself all of that.

At night there was no hiding from the truth that he would be the choice of the Woman Alicia, the one that had been betrayed and trusted no one but him, the one that felt young again when he was near, the one that swooned at some of his looks and panted at his kisses. Maybe if that closing argument had come at Georgetown, the woman would have said yes. She wasn't just a woman anymore. Roles had been cast and lines assigned. The direction of the play could not be steered anymore.

In the meantime, away from rehearsals and shows, she could cry. Tears for the life she lost, for the woman she repressed, for the man she loved.

_"Oh why rebuke you him that loves you so? Lay breath so bitter on your bitter foe." _

* "A mother, who is really a mother, is never free"

**A/N: This short chapter is to thank you for the support you have showed to this story. I am thrilled that you're liking it and the path I have chosen to take. I do have in mind how the plot will go in the future and what will convince Alicia to go to Will but nothing is set in stone. So if there is an idea you would want to see, let me know. If I like it more than mine, it could get written :). Concerning the quotes, they are sadly not mine. I have to thank in order E.Y. Harburg, Shakespeare, Balzac and Shakespeare again. **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: The ideas for this fiction are coming to me at night and they beg to be written. I won't always have time to but I want to write as much as I can before the new episode makes me rethink everything. Thanks to everyone that reviewed. Please, keep them coming! The feeling of having a rapt audience motivates me to no end. **

"Too bad you can't smoke in bars anymore. The Don Draper act would have been spot on, other than the fact that you're not as handsome as Jon Hamm, but that goes without saying."

Will raised his eyes and found the cerulean ones of ASA Hellinger who was smiling and expecting him to engage in whatever pop culture reference she had started. But he was clueless so he shrugged.

"Oh, come on. You have never heard of Mad Men?"

"Some of us are heads of successful firms. You don't get there chilling in front of a TV."

"Some of us have been in war zones and changed careers in months and still had time to watch the whole series. It's called efficiency"

Will chuckled while taking a sip of his scotch. Laura was a spitfire if there ever was one.

"Anyhow, I'm referring to the brooding act at the bar counter, dressed in a suit, nursing a scotch as if the entire trouble of the world is on your shoulders and someone, preferably someone young, hot and not whiny has to help you with the burden, if only for a night."

Will's smile intensified while he observed the thousand movements she was making with her face while making her point. Fascinating woman.

"So you think this is all a ploy to get women? Maybe I do have the entire trouble of the world on my shoulders and I need a drink to dull the reality."

He said the words in a teasing tone, glad that Ms Hellinger didn't know him well enough to read his subtext. There was only one woman that truly could and the reality of the last real conversation with her needed to be dulled, even after two weeks.

"Move to impeach the witness, your Honor. If you wanted to get drunk you could have done it at home, where I'm sure you have a liquor cabinet that rivals this bar. You're here because you wanted to be seen, you wanted company."

Maybe she was right. He had been alone with his thoughts for two weeks working and trying so hard to avoid dealing with the agony of the rejection. Maybe company was what he needed to give his brain a bit of rest.

"What about you? Let me guess, the Chinese man that runs your favorite to-go restaurant has memorized your order for one and you've realized that you're too young to be all by yourseeeeeeeeeeeeeeelf."

He sang the last part with the most pathetic face he could think of. She laughed, her eyes twinkling with the challenge of having finally been engaged in a real conversation but took almost no time to come up with her next repartee:

"Wrong, counselor. I'm a poor ASA who can afford only beer but has a secret penchant for tequila and so comes to these posh bars to get free drinks."

Did her favorite alcoholic beverage had to be tequila? He broke the eye contact and looked down in order to compose himself. Memories were assailing him of a night in which he had been with a beautiful woman at a bar laughing and drinking tequila and those would forever remain tainted with the nostalgia of something he could not have anymore.

"Did I say something wrong? You're a Cuevo man who hates everything else?"

She had noticed, of course. After all, an observant lawyer, trained in the military could not have missed his change in countenance. He was determined not to let a simple mention of a drink destroy his night. He was a grown man, not a teenager at his first breakup bawling love songs that reminded him of the one that got away.

"Nope, I was just remembering the comic way how the last evening with a woman who couldn't handle her tequila ended. And now, I'm checking to see if I have more promising prospects for the night."

He made a theatrical gesture of looking around the sparsely-populated bar.

"You're right, I forgot to mention that going in that the woman with the perfume cloud and the leopard print was eyeing you. I should just leave you to her care."

She made for getting up and instinctively he put his hand on her arm to stop her. She didn't flinch but instead smiled waiting for the spoken equivalent of his gesture.

"I am afraid of women with leopard prints. They have killed by smothering before. I'd feel safer with a military woman by my side."

He signaled the bartender and asked for a tequila for his companion. A drink or two with Laura could be exactly what the doctor ordered to get out of his funk.

Perhaps he could be cured from his ailment with the Laura Hellinger therapy. Perhaps not.

In any case, it felt so good to sport a genuine smile again.

* * *

"She is an entrepreneur but she isn't a politician. Politics is not about a CEO imparting orders, it's about finding harmony between different people. People will see that, I can assure you. If not, I can always crush her like a beetle in the next debate on the budget. One cannot lower costs by shipping jobs abroad when you're talking about the managing of a state, not a company..."

Peter was reassuring a donor on the phone that Maddie did not pose a credible threat to the Democratic nomination while she was playing around with her food. They were again on a sort of date, in a very public restaurant where people could see them being a couple. She didn't mind the photos and the attention too much. Or better, she was accustomed to what she considered a necessary evil. She knew that in order for Peter to win this election he had to be the redeemed family man who understood the plights of the common men and women who made mistakes in their everyday lives, wanted a second chance and did not have the millions of Maddie Hayward to facilitate it.

Ever since that night of two weeks before, the election had become more and more important. Her sacrifice had drained so much energy and had required such a deep pain that she expected to be rewarded with at least the winning of the gubernatorial mansion for Peter and the possibility of having a hand in policy-making for her.

She emptied her wine glass while Peter was finishing the call. If Grace saw how many bottles had been consumed in her apartment in the last two weeks she would have a fit. But Grace did not spend hours working and finding excuses to take glances in an office not far from hers (Thank you, glass doors!). He had not crumpled. Will was stronger than that.

They were in the awkward phase after every misstep in their relationship. This time, though, it felt final. He had said that they could go back to being friends again but for the moment there had been no instance of that. They had worked on different cases and she hadn't had a moment with him alone even though being an equity partner meant that she had been in way too many meetings with him, Diane and the others, discussing often topics like the renovation of the floor they were reappropriating that she couldn't care less about.

During David Lee's endless drones, she had searched his eyes more than once, needing to know how he was doing, if he was as devastated as he had been that night, if he was healing properly. He did not engage in this battle of looks. Often he seemed taken with whatever people were discussing or he was turned towards Diane to check if they had the same opinion.

She missed him, almost intolerably. She hadn't truly realized how much a single line from him during the day could cheer her up or remind her that the case she was working on was going to come to an end eventually. She hadn't given a second thought to how much time during the day she had spent talking with him or how many times his mischievous eyes and his smile had made her feel like whatever boring task she was doing was worth it as long as she could laugh about it with him.

She missed the warmth of the tingling sensation she always felt when Will complimented her on anything or simply when he had that look that made him seem amazed at her brilliance. She missed the camaraderie over being bosses of other lawyers that she had never had with him but she could easily imagine. She had missed his simple "Alicia, are you ok?" when she had finished a difficult case last week. She missed him.

Peter had finally finished talking with the donor and was ready to start their dinner again.

"You'd think that now that Eli is back he'd handle these calls but instead I got him always up my ass for not making more of these reassurances."

She chuckled at the image of Eli, always bothering Peter any moment of the day. She had grown fond of him, his incredible zeal at getting Peter elected and the care that she had seen developed in him for her, Peter and their family.

"That's Eli! He's still working four times as hard as you. You should be thankful I steered you in the right direction with him."

"Yes, because it was you that called him during that break, or you that convinced him to stay."

"Excuse me, I pushed you to get his advice, I distracted Jordan while you were taking his wisdom syrup. I more than did my part."

"Yes you did. We are a team."

He had abandoned all facetious pretenses and was serious now. She knew the look on his face. It was the same look he had had many years before at garden parties when he recounted how she had charmed the Governor. He was proud of her, he was in love with her again. Before that press-conference that would have meant everything. Today it wasn't even enough to stop her train of thoughts about another man.

His ringtone interrupted her musings and broke the moment. She prepared herself for listening to one side on the conversation on why Maddie would be an horrible Governor but her interest was piqued when Peter said:

"Zach, calm down, I can't hear you. What's wrong?... Ok stay there, we're coming!"

"What's wrong?"

She mirrored her husband's words with a panicked hint in her voice, waiting for Peter to ease her.

"Zach is at the police station. He said something about someone being arrested for murder."

"Not him or Grace" he added after seeing her overwrought look.

"But he needs us, we need to go" he concluded while getting up. She took her purse and followed him, ordering the universe to find a situation that could be easily dealt with.

There wasn't much else she could take.

**A/N: I have introduced two plot devices this chapter. One is something that I had already played with in one other fanfiction, the other is just mentioned at the end and it's a bit of a gamble. I have never written anything like that before. Let's hope I can manage to pull it off decently. Finally, to address some things that came up in guest reviews: Guategal, thanks for your always insightful reviews. I'm sorry for the angst but the story as it's shaping up to be will be angsty for a little bit more. I want to address Alicia's changing point of view in a way that seems as natural as possible. But I can promise that this will have a Will/Alicia ending. KHR, thanks for your suggestion. I'm not sure if the message will come up. I have already written that Alicia does not believe what Will told her about that message and after the conversation in Chapter 3 I think she's smart enough to figure it out. I could change my mind as the plot moves forward. Guest asked for the books I referenced in the last chapter. The E.Y. Harburg one is a quote I picked up in an article some time ago. No clue where it's from. The first by Shakespeare is from "The Twelfth Night" and the second one is from "A Midsummer Night's Dream". As for the Balzac one, it's from "Letters of Two Brides". **

**Thanks again for reading! **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This is a filler again. Sorry :( but I had to set up the second plot device in a way that made sense. Let me know what you think about it. But, next chapter is already half-written and today is Sunday so I expect to be able to post it before tonight. I thought about putting the two of them in a super-long chapter but it felt like forcing together scenes that belong in different chapters. ****The new quote in the summary is from Milan Kundera's "Immortality". **

Zach, Nisa and her mom were sitting in the waiting room. The two women were trying and failing to stop the tears. Zach instead had her hand in Nisa's and a stoic expression. He seemed to be putting on a show for his girlfriend. The tough, reassuring boyfriend that would make it all go away. His mother was not fooled so easily though. She could clearly perceive that her baby was scared for some reason. Her idea was confirmed by the look of extreme relief when he saw his parents arriving. They would fix it.

She went to hug her child, while Peter attempted to console the two women.

"Tell us what happened."

"We were having dinner, when the police came and said that Mr Del Mar was under arrest for the murder of Joy McKenzie. I told him not to say anything until you came."

"You did the right thing" she said and was rewarded by a proud look in his eyes. He masked it well but he liked being praised.

"He is innocent, my father is the most mild-mannered man in the world. He would never hurt anyone, least of all Joy."

"So you know the victim?"

"Of course, she was Daddy's nurse and my babysitter before that. We still hang out at times."

"And he was not sleeping with her." added Mrs Del Mar that seemed to wake up from her torpor.

"Please, you have to help us. He cannot go to jail."

Her and Peter shared a look and silently agreed to do what was necessary for their son's girlfriend.

"I'll go see if they have an ASA assigned to the case."

"I'll assume his defense for now and see what the police has."

For a traitorous second she was glad for the present state of affairs. The case could be complicated, and she sorely needed the distraction. Then she remembered the situation and she hoped that Mrs Del Mar was right, that her husband wasn't sleeping with the victim, because she knew what hell that was and didn't wish it on her worst enemy. Plus, when a sexual relationship was involved it was incredibly tough to convince the jury that was not the motive for the murder. Often people loved to hear about the destroyed happily-ever-after more than anything else.

"I'm Mr Del Mar's lawyer and this conversation is over."

"Sure, Mrs Florrick. The doctor was playing the silent game anyhow."

The detective left the room and she was left alone with Mr Del Mar.

"Thank you, Alicia. Thank you so much."

"Thank me only if I manage to get you out of this mess. Do you need something, a glass of water maybe?"

"No, thanks, I'm ok."

"Ok then. Why don't you start from the beginning?"

Thankfully, she had come to the restaurant straight from work and she always had her yellow pads with her. She started taking notes.

The story was simple enough. Joy had been a nurse at Mr Del Mar's private study for 3 years. She had babysat for Nisa while studying for her nursing degree and had started working with him just after graduating. Nisa saw her as almost an elder sister. Mr Del Mar swore that he wasn't sleeping with her but the day before she had been acting like she would want to. He had told her, of course, that her behavior was inappropriate but she was being persistent. That's why they had argued quite loudly and, according to what they had told him, a patient who had forgotten her umbrella had heard them. Then he had left the study and walked for a while to calm himself before returning home. That day was Saturday and he had been at home all day. Joy had been found strangled in his waiting-room by the cleaning crew and that evening the police had come pick him up, accusing him of murder.

If she had to be honest with herself, It looked bad.

Mr Del Mar was tall, well-built and black. Joy was a young, beautiful white woman. It wouldn't be hard to construct an appealing narrative, especially for a Caucasian-heavy jury. The doctor had seduced her, she wanted more and threatened to tell his wife, he lost his temper and killed her. The oldest story in the book.

She needed Kalinda. Why was the girl suddenly more affectionate? Did she want to blackmail him? Was she in love with him?

This prosecution, if it went to trial, would be a nightmare for Peter. He couldn't possibly take his time to thoroughly investigate what had occurred. Appearances were everything in a political campaign. It would look like Peter Florrick's relatives and friends could get away with murder. It couldn't happen. She would have to handle the defense, hoping that Peter would choose Geneva for the prosecution. If they were to play the racial angle, a black woman was perfect and she wasn't the most brilliant ASA in Peter's office.

If Kalinda came through, the case could blow open quite soon. If not, it would be a case of circumstantial evidence and reasonable doubt. Her closing argument would be crucial.

She'd have to run it by Will. He was an expert in this branch.

She'd have to run it by Will.

For a moment the thought surprised her, how effortlessly she had summoned him and his presence. Then the doubts started. She would manage to convince the partners that the case was worth taking. They would give her an associate too. But this was Nisa's father. She wanted the best.

The best was currently avoiding her like the plague. She could still ask him a favor. Would he refuse her? No, was her immediate answer. Will might be furious with her, he might be hurting but he wouldn't jeopardize a case that was important to her.

Was it fair for her to ask him?

That was a different question altogether. Will was clearly going out of his way not to spend time with her and she could not subject him to hours and hours working with her, maybe her son and his girlfriend. She had been cruel enough in abusing his patience, his love. She had said no and it was time to face the consequences.

"Hang tight, Jon. I'll be back tomorrow."

"Thank you Alicia. My life cannot be over like this."

"I'll make it my mission to give back your freedom."

How sad it was that her lawyer persona would not allow her to tell him just "It won't".

She and Peter took the two women home and then they went to Alicia's apartment. Zach disappeared in his bedroom and they were left alone.

"I cannot back down from this prosecution. The case is shaky but the outrage over the murder of a young woman would not wane without a trial. We are in the middle of the campaign, I can't be looking as the DA that frees those associated with his family. I can't."

"I understand, Peter. I know, it was my first thought too. I'll defend Jon, maybe manage to get someone else on it with me. Who do you have as the ASA?"

"Geneva, she's the perfect choice."

She smiled, great minds thought alike. They would get their son through this.

"Do you think that Zach will resent me?"

"Don't be ridiculous Peter. He loves you and he is smart. He understands the demands of your job."

"I do hope so. Goodnight Alicia. Keep me updated."

"Goodnight, Peter. I will."

She had finished getting ready for bed, when Zach approached.

"Mom, do you think you can get Will Gardner on the case with you?"

"What? Why?"

"I have researched murder cases. He seems to be the best one at your firm, one of the best in Chicago when there are jury trials."

"Your mother is good too, you know" she smiled and tried to reassure him that everything was under control.

"I know Mom... It's just... won't it look like you're defending him because you're his friend? Would the jurors believe you?"

"How would they know?"

"The press will find out, Mom. We are in the middle of a political campaign, if you haven't noticed" he said, almost as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

She had always known that her son was smart. He had taken the best from his parents. But to hear him so easily making the argument that she was preparing for Diane tomorrow filled her with equal measures of pride and fear. His intelligence would not allow her to baby him, to tell him white lies to protect him from all worries. He would immediately perceive if something was not going according to plan.

"So, Mom, you'll ask him tomorrow? He's your friend from college and you haven't asked him for anything in all the time you have been there. He'll do it, right?"

She hadn't asked for anything but he had, and she had given him a series of wrong answers. He would do it, but it would hurt him. She still remembered vividly those eyes so entirely brimming with dashed hopes. She couldn't go to him for the first time to ask for something. She couldn't.

He would believe that she had no qualms in tramping over his heart and denying him what he wanted but expected him to forget it if it went in her favor. She would not let him imagine, even for a second, that theirs was an utilitarian friendship. The bare idea horrified her.

She would have to make do with Diane. She was excellent, maybe even better than Will, in cross-questioning witnesses, with her apparent quiet mode of approach. Most people on the stand didn't see her coming and they succumbed under her enemy fire.

Will, though, had a talent for oratory. His closing arguments built a narrative, told the jury a story as if he were a father with a good-night fairytale for his children. He was brilliant, interesting, captivating and he didn't take any prisoners. When the jury went into the liberating room, with his words as the last ones they heard, they were somehow prejudiced in favor of Will's client. He had them under a spell, forcing them to believe him instead of evidence and procedure.

This case was perfect for his style. In his talented hands, Jon had the best chance at killing the charge.

Still, it was high time she considered Will's feelings. He was an adult but that wasn't an excuse to keep vexing him.

"Will is in the middle of a very complicated negotiation. He wouldn't be able to make the necessary time. I'll ask Diane. She's just as good."

Lie.

"Wouldn't she be busy too? She doesn't have to do it. But you and Will Gardner are friends. He'll find the time"

Zach, please, help me out! Stop using your inductive reasoning! She didn't want to lie to him and at the same time she felt strongly that she could not knock on Will's door in the situation they were in.

"We'll see. Lately I taxed him for some other case."

A case more personal than this one, if you can imagine it.

"I wouldn't want to abuse his patience."

Don't make me face those eyes again, knowing that I was the cause of that destruction, not with my hand open, waiting for him to aid.

"Fine, mom. If Nisa's father ends in jail, that's on you."

Excellent, her son was furious with her. That was precisely what she needed to end the exhausting day.

**A/N: My knowledge of case-law comes from watching TV shows. I could be researching ideas that could sustain a prolonged trial case but I feel like that is not what this story is about. I have said twice that this is a plot device and I confirm it. So I think that in the next chapters you'll learn what happens mostly through the reactions of the characters. But I can tell you that there will be a closing argument because it's already half-written (I know, I know, I should be writing in chronological order but somehow I had the idea for it) and mostly because I feel that The Good Wife is spectacular in creating compelling cases and court-time so mine would look just a sad copy of those. Instead, we are not often treated to closing arguments, so I feel like I have some more leeway there. Have a great Sunday and hopefully you'll be able to read another chapter later :) **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Here it is. The chapter is quite long and I have finally written some Will/Alicia interaction. Most of all, I think this chapter shows the direction I'm taking this story in. The new quote in the summary is from Marlowe's "Dr Faustus". Hope you enjoy!**

"I have heard that women in leopard prints make it an habit to spend evenings at Ray's. Do you need some muscle for protection?"

Will's lips turned up involuntarily at reading his text. He was almost afraid to admit it, the night before had been... fun. Laura was incredible company. She made him laugh and he felt himself again, the man who remembered how to have a good time. He wrote back.

"Absolutely. I recognize my vulnerability. Be there promptly at 9. I'm an easy target."

This day was shaping to be a good one. He looked forward to the night. Laura could reveal herself to be no temporary fix.

He heard a knock at the door and invited the intruder to come in without even sparing a glance to the door.

"Mr Gardner, I'm sorry to disturb you..."

The voice was not what he was expecting. He raised suddenly his eyes and found himself in front of Alicia's son.

"Hi, Zach. Are you looking for your mother?"

"No, actually, I was looking for you."

What could he possibly want? If he thought that there was something going on between him and his mother, he'd set him straight once and for all.

"I'm sorry to barge on you like this, but I need your help."

He was totally taken aback. Then manners intervened.

"Please, Zach, don't stand there, sit."

He sat down and seemed abashed. He looked much more like a kid than when he had seen him fixing his mother's computer.

"What can I do for you?"

"My girlfriend's father has been taken in custody. He is accused of murdering his nurse. I would be truly grateful if you could help my mother defending him."

Take time, take time! He was searching desperately for a proper answer when he continued.

"I know that my mom has lately asked a lot of you in a different case and she doesn't want to bother you anymore but I have read about you. I want the best for Nisa's dad. And I truly think that you and my mother would make a formidable team."

Pieces started to assemble and the puzzle finally began making sense. Alicia hadn't wanted to come to him. It was exactly the same thing that he would have done, had the parts been reversed.

It never could have happened. There was no version of the universe in which Will Gardner could turn down Alicia Florrick's love.

In any case, Zach was here now and there was only one correct answer. No matter the consequences. He couldn't refuse something to her son more than he could to her. Plus, there were lives in the balance. Feelings could be hidden when there was an higher purpose.

"Of course I'll do it. Don't worry, I'll talk to your mother and we'll do our best to keep him out of jail."

"At Georgetown, after we found our rhythm, we were practically invincible" he added, as an afterthought. Was it the right thing to say to a scared teen? Had he crossed some line he shouldn't have?

Zach smiled and he let go of the breath he had been holding.

"Thank you, Mr. Gardner. I'll be your IT guy for free, when this is over."

"Please, call me Will. And, Zach, you don't owe me anything. A law firm works only if partners help each other. I'm merely doing my job."

Zach looked at him and he seemed surprised, almost amazed. Did he come off as such an intimidating person? Between the two men in the room, Zach was certainly the most powerful. He just wasn't aware of his might, of how much he had looked back at their first meeting and replayed in his head wanting to do everything differently, wanting desperately to impress him. Now that he had the chance, it didn't matter anymore.

Cruel irony of a cruel world.

He got up, reached Zach and felt bold enough to put a hand of his shoulder.

"You might think you know what your girlfriend is going through because your father has been in jail but a murder accusation is unique. It tarnishes reputations. People murmur for years after the end of a trial. Don't try too hard to understand her, because it's a futile exercise" he didn't know why he felt so strongly that he had to advise him, to make him feel useful. Once again he was tiptoeing around topics that weren't his domain. Somehow it felt right to keep talking.

"But, please, do remind her that you're there, that she can count on you not to treat her any differently that you did before, that normalcy still exists in this world."

That's what I did when your mother called after that fateful press-conference and she seemed to be elated at my behavior. Do the same for the girl you like, maybe you even start to love.

He nodded and seemed to reflect on his words. Good, it was not going to be an easy path.

"Now, go, be with her. I'll find your mother and we'll elaborate a strategy."

Zach left, with a sign of acknowledgment that looked as if it was born out of respect. He would try hard to earn it. Zach was a fine young man and even without a secret agenda, it was normal to want to give him a good impression, or so he told himself.

* * *

He walked into Alicia's office and she was just hanging her coat. She was startled by his presence.

"Will, hi."

No time to beat around the bush. Direct and to the point. Don't get distracted.

"So, I have just come out from a meeting with your son."

"My son? Was he looking for me? Is he here? I thought he was at Nisa's"

Those gorgeous eyes of hers popped and gave her quite the disheveled air.

"He's gone there now and he wasn't looking for you but for me."

He had gone behind her back. His feelings for Nisa must have been stronger than she had imagined. In a way, she admired her son. He reminded her of herself at his age. So entirely convinced that her way was the right way and willing to do everything to make it plain to the others. He would have to grow up and realize that mediation was not the worst world in the English dictionary. For now, though, she should have imagined that something like this would happen. Red tape and law-firm politics meant nothing for a 17-year-old in love.

"He wanted to ask me if I'd assist in the defense of his current father-in-law."

"Will, I swear I didn't send him."

"I know. Of course I know, Alicia. Look, I agree the situation is not ideal but if we ever want to get to the point in which we are friends again, we have to trust each other enough to ask for help."

At times she wished that Will would stop being the Alicia version of Will. She knew that Will could be selfish. She knew that he could easily walk gray lines. She knew that he could be vindictive. He just chose to drop those flaws when he was around her. How was she supposed to move on from that Will? How much strength would it take to hide her love for him when he was behaving in all the right ways? For how long could she be able to stop herself from doing what her entire body desired when she wanted so desperately to kiss him and have him writhing under him to show him that he was her Will and would always be?

"Will, you don't have to."

She wanted to be clear on that point. She understood the magnitude of what had happened between them. She wanted to give him a way out.

"I know that I don't have to. But this is a murder case, much bigger than a bruised ego."

His eyes, less under his rational control, were not capable of concealing the anguish he felt at the memory. His mouth, instead, turned up, painting a ghost of a smile on his lips. He was trying hard to act normally around her, because circumstances demanded it. She was so grateful for his effort. Had Peter ever been so concerned with her well-being to put aside his own so completely?

"Just bruised?" she asked, coy, almost afraid to talk in a light manner around him but desirous to take his baton to continue the relay that had been this conversation.

"Fine, severely bruised"

Will smiled, more convincingly, Alicia grinned and just like that all the fog of tension that had been in the room seemed to dissipate.

Her cell-phone rang and she turned her attention to the caller.

"It's Zach. I should probably answer and tell him that Jon has the best defense team that Chicago can offer."

"I'll go find Kalinda and her sidekick. They are sorely needed in these cases."

Her ringtone was still playing but she couldn't let him get out of her office without saying anything.

"Will, I know that I am repeating myself but thank you, really."

"You know, Alicia, at times you can be quite self-centered. I'm doing this so that your son will work in out IT department for free. He promised."

Alicia couldn't keep her chuckle in, nor she wanted to. What was it with Will and his capacity of making everything go away? If he kept being himself, she couldn't imagine how she could ever fall out of love with him.

Her son was being persistent and she finally answered.

"Zach, hello."

He frantically divulged her what he had done.

"I know, he was just in my office. He'll help, but Zach, please, don't ever do something like that again."

He tried to justify himself. After all, he was his mother's son and he hated being reprimanded.

"Yes, I understand you were worried and hopefully there'll never be a next time, but if it ever happens, talk it over with me first, deal?"

Her son's following words brought tears to her eyes:

"I don't know why you were so hesitant in asking him. He agreed immediately and it didn't even feel like I had just asked him a huge favor. He was totally cool."

"That's how Will is with friends and friends' sons. That doesn't mean that you have the right to exploit his good nature."

Zach finally seemed to show some remorse and she didn't want to pile on him.

"Ok. Fine. Look, I have to go. Kalinda is here. I'll call you later to give you an update."

Lie.

Kalinda wasn't even in her scope. Will was probably explaining her the delicate nature of the case. She didn't want her son to hear the teary voice that she was certain to have while she calmed herself and misconstruct it as an omen for Nisa's father.

She hadn't even had time to reflect about how Will had handled the meeting with Zach. She had been so taken by his finally being reachable again that asking for details on what had happened in Will's office completely escaped her mind.

Her son had volunteered the information and she discovered that the ability of making people feel at ease even in embarrassing situations didn't just work on one Florrick. Zach had been taken in Will's web easily.

Would it have been the same if he hadn't been the savior lawyer but instead his mother's new boyfriend? Probably not but she hadn't even given Will an opportunity to prove himself to her children. When they had been together and he had suggested it, ever adding shyly that he believed he could make a good impression, she had shut him down flat and he had never dared bringing it up again.

How many times had she stabbed him in the last years? Here he was, still helping, still making her life better. Than chain of thoughts was dangerous. It drove her to regretting her decision of two-weeks prior and she couldn't go there.

There had been excellent reasons to refuse him, hadn't there?

* * *

After a morning spent at the police station and with Kalinda, they had been working all afternoon side by side. His presence had an analgesic effect. She could concentrate on doing her job properly when he was there to lend a hand. They were winding up for the day and taking a peek at her watch she saw that it was already half-past eight.

Zach would be staying at Nisa's a bit more and Grace was at a sleepover, after her brother's insistence that she couldn't do anything for him. There was no rush to go home. Moreover, she truly yearned to have dinner with Will. They had been together the whole day long. Surely an hour more wouldn't make him too uncomfortable.

"What do you say to pizza and beers before going home?"

"Wouldn't Zach need you?"

"He texted. He is still at Nisa's"

He checked the time and then started shaking his head.

"I'm sorry. I have somewhere to be at 9."

"Oh, ok. Work?"

"No, thankfully. All work and no play makes me a dull man and you need me at my best form for this trial."

The humor this time felt more like a way of cloaking his future whereabouts under a cover of darkness. Was he going on a date? Would the woman be his Peter, the recipient of the sexual tension accumulated during the day? She wondered if he did that, if he stooped so low as she did using a person while fantasizing about another.

"Well, I don't want to be late."

He got up, put on his coat and hesitated while taking his briefcase.

"Alicia..."

She stood up too and encroached in his space. She noticed that his arms were in mid-air, as if he were contemplating whether or not it was proper to offer a comforting hug. It is, she wanted to shout, but just as she advanced to put her arms around his, he walked back and went out of her immediate reach. He recovered his briefcase and before leaving said:

"We'll get Mr Del Mar through this, you'll see. Rest a bit tonight. You look exhausted" and with that he was gone.

Rest, there was no rest for the wretched. How could she possibly rest when her mind was plagued by pictures of him and another woman? Would he be so caring as he had been with her all day? Would he be so generous in his love-making as he had been in other aspects of his life?

A whirlwind of emotions overwhelmed her but she had a name for the one feeling that had opened the Pandora box: jealousy.

She had never been hit by such a powerful wave of jealousy before. She had been tickled by the sensation with Giada and then with Tammy but then he had always put her first and she had considered them inconsequential. When they had been together, he had played the angry boss but in the privacy of his office or of their apartments he had stared at her with such devotion in his eyes that even after the trust issues that the whole Peter scandal had left her, she had no problem believing him when he had uttered "I'm not interested in anyone else".

It was a new world now. She had cut the ties that were linking him to her when he had opened his heart and she had kept hers closed and protected. Now he could go and look for a real relationship and he could actually prefer having dinner with the other woman rather than with her. She was losing her number 1 status on his list of priorities and it felt devastating.

Had he been feeling like this every step of the way, while she was busy rowing back to Peter? Had he fervently hoped like she did at the moment, that the other partner could not compare?

The full realization of the brutality of the reality in which she had put herself caught her off guard. She felt nauseous at the thought of Will's smile, of Will's look, of Will's arousal being for someone other than her.

How more excruciating the punishment felt when it was a hell of her own making!

* * *

He walked towards the elevator without looking back. His lack of a good star had proven consistent and had thrown them in a delicate case together with the added thorn of her son's involvement.

Nonetheless, the conversation of two weeks before had still happened. He had decided to avoid all non-necessary contact with her and he wanted to stick to his resolution, at least while he still could.

There was no time left to waste indulging in illicit musings about her changing her mind after this case. She had always known he would be there for her, whenever she (or her son, apparently) needed him. She would not need the confirmation of this case. He had presented all the facts as well as he could and she had rejected him.

The fact that he had been pathetic enough around Alicia didn't change how Herculean it felt to alter the course. He had craved hugging her, to silently convey that he would give the performance of his life as a lawyer if it meant releasing her and her son from that horrible state of things but he had refrained.

She had seemed crestfallen when he had gently nixed her invitation. If he could still bet and hope he would guess that her face had showed the minimal sign of jealousy in hearing that it wasn't work that was keeping him from having dinner with her.

But he had already gambled and lost.

There was no point in hanging around the casino guessing the outcomes of the various games.

There was a point in leaving the mermaid chant of the green tables behind and go to a bar to have some drinks and maybe dinner with a wonderful woman with whom there was no awkwardness, no tiptoeing, no continual second-guessing.

So Will went.

**A/N: It's very possible than in the future, as in this chapter, you'll read Alicia's POV much more than Will's. That's because she is the one that has to change her mind and it's the process that I'm trying to show. I still feel more comfortable writing Will but I hope that I'm improving in finding Alicia's voice. Also, what did you think of my plot device? Too convenient? **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: For those of you who are still reading, here it is. Three points of view in this one and I'm speeding Alicia's train of thoughts a bit. I have changed Jon's surname to Del Mar, given the last episode. I am too tired to change it in the other chapters. I'll fix the inconsistency tomorrow. Enjoy and please let me know especially about Zach's part. I am not sure I know how to write like a teenage boy. **

"_Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought nobly, Rhaegar fought bravely. And Rhaegar died."_

When her mother had returned from her 5th grade parent-teacher conference, she hadn't focused on her academic brilliance, that already shined in her. She hadn't talked about her prize for the best original composition. She had pinpointed the one complaint the gym teacher had made about her:

"You're too hung up Alicia. Too rigid. You never have fun. Ms Brandon told me that you're often lonely during recess, you prefer single to team sports and you're always criticizing the others. You're going to end up miserable and alone if you don't change course. Nobody likes Ms Perfect"

Alicia wasn't rigid. She had a code, she liked playing by the rules and had little patience for those who seemed to break them for no reason. What was the point of playing any game if there weren't rules to guide it? One might as well do something else.

She also wasn't lonely. Alone, at times, that rang true. But often she had a book to keep her company or she could observe the others. Among all the sports people-watching was definitely her favorite. She was quiet but she knew every little secret. She was solitary but she was always there when there was some serious trouble.

Growing up, she had never felt the need for company at every hour of every day. Being by herself calmed her, helped her regain her bearings in a chaotic day. Her 3 o'clock glass of wine while she was waiting for Zach and Grace to come back from school wasn't a sign of desperation. It was a sign of control. She could watch out the window and soak up the quiet.

She hadn't truly grasped the meaning of loneliness before Peter's scandal. Around her there was a flurry of movement. Lawyers, Jackie, her kids that always had a new question and she hadn't imagined the true isolation she would experience. Her so-called friends had deserted her in a moment's notice, her brother was often busy and far away, her mother was travelling. She had only Jackie left for adult conversation but all Jackie truly wanted to talk about was how there had been a conspiracy over her saint of a son. She didn't want to fake being a dutiful wife more than she had to.

She had felt lonely. Until one day, in the midst of her frantic search for a job, she had received a simple card. No extravagant arrangement of flowers (flowers for what? Condolences, false comfort?), no chocolates (she wasn't hungry these days) as she had been used to. A white card with a short message:

"If you want to talk, you still have my number."

The card was simply signed "W" but she'd recognize that W everywhere. People she had been living around for years hadn't had the first clue on how to handle her but Will, that she hadn't seen in forever, somehow got her. He did not push, he wasn't trying to guess her mood and sending the right gift. He was simply offering a friendly ear, a way to ease that loneliness that had pervaded her being.

She had called that evening and ever since that call, she had never felt that same sense of queasiness at staying alone. Alone was not lonely when you had someone, a friend, that you could call if you ever killed someone and needed help hiding a body. Alone was not lonely when even confronted with the betrayal of said friend and husband, there was Will's solid presence to remind her that she always had a leg to stand on.

That was, of course, until the days of Jon's trial.

She and Will had been working with the same synchronicity as always. They were in agreement about the strategy (blame the victim's ex-boyfriend), who should question which witness and who should give the closing argument (Will).

What they were disagreeing on was what it meant to be friends.

During the two-weeks avoidance period, she had missed him terribly but somehow she had entertained a faint hope that it was possible for them to regain the friendship she so desperately needed.

Now she was on the same case as Will Gardner. Will Gardner was spending hours with her. But she only saw glimpses of her Will.

He still cared. He made a point of explaining every single step to Zach, of using him as a sounding board at times just so he could feel included and not powerless. He somehow perceived when she was thirsty enough to refill her cup and invited her to take a break when she felt she was going to drop.

However, he was guarded. He always made sure to have a noteworthy physical distance from her. He often called some lowly associates to do menial work with them in the conference room on in his office so that they wouldn't be alone. He was always busy at night, when she asked him to have dinner or a drink and in between bouts of work he was smiling cryptically when he received text messages or asked her about Peter's campaign.

He was being Diane and she felt lonely.

She had discovered a closeness to Cary's plights because she wondered now how he had done it. How he had stayed so long at Lockart/Gardner without a Will Gardner that protected, worked behind the scenes and always had a smile, at times only for the mere presence? Diane was Cary's mentor but she wasn't his friend. Will had been her mentor but most of all he had been her friend.

Over the years she had partly attributed his behavior to his style of teaching. Diane was more rigid, colder at times. Will used humor and made himself the non-intimidating one. In light of recent events, though, a series of details reemerged to paint a completely different picture. Caitlin had been terrified of going to Will and even Cary avoided it at all costs. She didn't see Will having drinks with anyone but her, Kalinda and Diane. Diane was his peer and partner, Kalinda was Kalinda and she could see how those two had each other's backs. For her, Will's door had always been open, each directive had been imparted with an attention to her comfort level, each late hour met with an apology as if she was doing him some kind of favor, working for him. She was only now recognizing how much she had basked in his care, or, to use the proper words, in his love.

She felt lonely and this time there was no white card that would fix it.

* * *

He was tired. The prosecution had just finished questioning the last witness for the day and now it was his turn. The woman currently sitting in the witness stand was the patient that had overheard the argument between the doctor and Ms McKenzie. She was the star witness and as such she had been prepped well.

"Mrs Downey, can you tell the jury what it was that the accused started talking about when he raised his voice?"

"Objection, Your Honor, hearsay"

"Your Honor, this entire testimony is hearsay. It has been admitted into evidence on the basis of excited utterance. I merely want to ask when this excited utterance began."

"He's right, Miss Pine. Please sit down". He looked behind the defense table and saw Zach's and Nisa's smile at the judge's ruling. Then he continued

"So, Mrs Downey, do you remember?"

"Well, I believe it was something about her inappropriate behavior at the office that day."

"Right, because she had been acting quite affectionate, like a lover, was that your testimony ?"

"Yes, she was touching him at every chance she got and she eyed him as he if he was a piece of meat. It was indecent."

"How did Dr Del Mar take these attentions?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Mrs Downey, Joy McKenzie was a beautiful young woman" and with that he turned to the jury.

"Most men, including myself, would be flattered at her attentions" he said while watching the male members of the jury. Alicia would work on women.

"No, he was uncomfortable."

"So, he had been uncomfortable during the day and that evening he scolded her for her behavior that same evening, is that correct?"

"Yes, yes it is."

He went back to his desk to take his notes.

"Mrs Downey, do you suffer from diabetes?"

"Objection, Your Honor, relevance!"

"Your Honor, if you give me the chance to go forward the relevance will soon become clear"

"Fine, Mr Gardner, but make it quick. Mrs Downey you may answer"

"Yes, I do."

"In fact isn't it true that you insisted of being seen once a week by Dr Del Mar to check that everything was working with your insulin pump?"

"Those machines can break easily."

"I'm sure, but just to confirm you have been at Dr Del Mar's office once a week for the last year?"

"Yes."

"And, say, a month before that tragic day, did you witness Ms McKenzie having the same kind of familiarity with the doctor?"

"No, no."

"Two weeks before?"

"No"

"The week before?"

"No, never before. Just that day."

"Thank you Mrs Downey. No more questions, Your Honor."

"Court is adjourned till tomorrow at 9."

He hadn't even got back to his place when he heard Zach's voice:

"Will, that was amazing!"

He had become Zach's reference for every matter that concerned the trial. He suspected it was a bit of a default situation. He didn't want to be lied to, babied, or treated like a child so his mother was out of question and it left him.

Nonetheless, it didn't feel as good as he had expected while he wanted to become something of a father-figure to him.

Most of all, it felt like a lost chance. He wasn't naive. He knew that Zach's reception would have been much frostier if he had been introduced as the ultimate cause of his parents' divorce and not as the lawyer working to save Nisa's father. But in the easiness with which the relationship had evolved he couldn't help but seeing hints that he would have, eventually, won him over.

If only Alicia had placed more faith in him!

He had been sticking to his promise of not letting their work relationship evolve into anything more. He had seen in her gaze that she was not on board with this new development. Her disappointment was palpable when he withdrew from any kind of friendly activity. He was aware that he was hurting her. On that horrible night in which he had bared his soul, he had told her that they could be back to being friends. He was going back on that sort of promise. What they had now was not a friendship. On the other hand, he did not know how to be Alicia's friend without abandoning any prospect of ever, truly, moving on.

More and more he became conscious that when it came to her, there was no difference between friendship and something infinitely more than that. Every action he took was colored by his deep love for her. Every time he was in her presence the attraction could be contained but not denied. Everything that was in his power to give, he gave.

He could not live his life anymore preparing for a future that would never come. It was time to be selfish and recover his identity away from Alicia Florrick. In those years of her happy marriage and child-rearing, he had rarely seen her and while his love had always existed, it was dormant. He was highly functional. He could return to that state of being. The agony of detaching from her would pass.

Zach was talking again, as they were nearing the exit of the court-room. Mrs Del Mar and Nisa were already out, talking with Alicia.

"You undermined her perfectly."

"All I did was lay the basis for our theory. The fact that the girl hadn't been affectionate before doesn't necessarily mean that they hadn't had a relationship. In the mind of the jurors, Ms McKenzie could have been more affectionate that day because she wanted an official recognition of their romantic rapport. Mr Del Mar could have easily snapped that night and killed her for that reason. But you see, in these murder trials, the jury has to come up with a guilty verdict only if they are sure beyond any reasonable doubt. I'm planting that reasonable doubt."

Zach was smiling and he seemed truly impressed. Very soon, when he would become the next Mr Jobs or Mr Zuckerberg he would be the one in awe. For the moment he enjoyed the ability of surprising Alicia's 17-year-old. He raised his eyes and met Alicia's. She was smiling proudly at the both of them. He wondered if she looked at Peter like that when he saw him interact with Zach. A lifetime of that smile and those eyes surely had to be some kind of definition of heaven.

He was still indulging in those counter-productive reflections when he heard his name.

"Will, are you coming with me?"

Laura.

Instinctively, he turned towards her and then forced himself to smile. It had been smooth sailing with Laura but he could not deny that he would have happily stayed in the light of Alicia's look.

He was curious on how that look had changed now that she had seen Laura. Despite his curiosity he didn't falter and take a peek at the love of his life. If he found jealousy, his stubborn heart would be taught to hope again and he did not want to start that road once more, if he found pain he would have to bear the cross that he had put it there and his path was already slowed down by the anchor of his feelings. He didn't need guilt.

His most acute fear was to discover indifference. He was still so entrenched in her that her not caring would hurt more than anything else.

It was a lose-lose-lose greatly situation. Therefore he looked at Zach and Nisa, said a general "See you tomorrow" and walked towards his date.

* * *

She was observing Will explaining legal strategy to Zach and she felt like bursting. The two men seemed comfortable with each other. No matter what happened with her and Will she wanted more role-models for Zach. Men he could aspire to, men he could confide in.

Peter would not like it one bit but if he needed to talk about anything outside of his family circle she trusted Will more than anybody else to do the perfect surrogate-role.

Then a woman's voice destroyed the happy bubble.

"Will, are you coming?"

Laura.

Laura Hellinger, the woman she had defended, the woman she had found a job for, was the woman that was robbing her of Will's company, of Will's friendship, of Will's affection.

She emitted a low growl of pain that she hoped nobody captured.

Laura wasn't a sport journalist that would never truly get a lawyer and what he fights for. Laura was no young heiress that did not understand what life without a silver spoon looked like.

Laura was an age-appropriate, beautiful, smart, feisty lawyer.

Will fell for those.

He had fallen for her at Georgetown, he had fallen in love again with her now that she had come back to the law. He had been together two years with Celeste. Will had a type.

Laura had become her friend because she had recognized a kindred spirit. Will would too.

She was uncomplicated, unattached, free to treat him like he deserved. Will would see that.

Laura didn't have any children and was young enough that he could give Will a family of his own. Sons and daughters he could father wonderfully as he had been doing with Zach lately. Will would realize that.

The threat of losing Will forever had never felt so real and the ache was physical. She felt as if a million shards of glass had penetrated her skin and she was bleeding all over. It took all the media training she had unwillingly endured to not collapse on herself, overcome with jealousy, grief and regret.

She stoically waved at the new couple, avoided her son's gaze, turned on her heels and walked towards the exit. The sooner she got out, the sooner she could get home.

The sooner she got home, the sooner she could break down.

* * *

He had been talking with Will about his last questioning of the witness. In these last days, he had discovered that her mother had a great taste in friends. Will was knowledgeable about law, basket, and he didn't take himself too seriously. He was cool to talk to.

A woman was calling for him and he wanted to wink at him, because there was no denying that his date was beautiful but that was before he heard his mother at his side.

His mother was the poster-person for controlled emotions, especially in public. The real woman was difficult to spot behind the mask for the untrained eye. Not for her son, not when he truly looked.

She had moaned as if she was hurt by something and it didn't take too much to figure out that Will and Laura had caused it.

Was she having a relationship with him? He dismissed the idea. Ever since his father was touring with the campaign, they spent far less time away from the apartment and his mother was often with her husband.

Did she have feelings for Will that could justify her jealousy? In the last few days, he had wondered often about his mother. Mrs Del Mar's insistence at denying categorically that her husband could possibly have cheated on her was too strong to ignore. She had heard her and Nisa talking about the fact that she would not survive the humiliation if she discovered that her husband was a philanderer.

His mother, instead, had taken it in stride. She hadn't yelled in front of them. She hadn't painted their father as this horrible monster they should avoid for the rest of their lives. She hadn't even divorced him. She had stuck by him and kept the family together. When he had later discovered that her father had stepped out on her with another woman, he had only helped with the washing-machine. He had not asked if the wound still bled.

Who did her mother turn to when she needed some support? Was there someone that hugged her if she wanted to ?

Will made perfect sense. He obviously cared for his mother. He clearly admired her. He would have been a shoulder to cry on in the midst of the storm. Had she developed some feelings then? Had they been together at the time of his parents' separation?

He didn't know but he felt no animosity towards Will or his mother.

She had swallowed many bitter pills for him, his sister and his father. Who was he to order her to swallow whatever she felt for Will too?

At the end of this trial, he would have to talk to her.

It was his family's turn to suffer for his mother's happiness.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: In my plan, this chapter was meant to have more than just this one scene. But then, it felt so momentous in Alicia's progression that it deserved its own chapter. I also had a lot of fun getting in Laura's head, if only for a few moments. I hope that you will enjoy it anyway, even if it's shorter. I'm sorry for those of you who would want a faster progression. I truly tried to do that but then Alicia ends dragging me back. Maybe tonight's episode will help me in this sense ;)**

The first rule of combat was "Be aware of your surroundings". In training camp, she had quickly learned that not paying attention lead to a sure loss and a punishment by the training officer.

"Be thankful I teach you this lesson now. In a war zone, you'd be dead."

He was right, of course. When deployed, a split second might be the difference between life and death.

Rule number two: "Evaluate your opponent". This was a finer skill to acquire. It didn't mean just guess her strength, it meant assess her weaknesses, find the right leverage to knock her down.

The result of combining the two rules with a law degree was an overly-alert person. Every word was catalogued, every movement controlled, every expression decoded.

She had Will Gardner pegged at first sight.

Lawyer with oversized ego, witty, humorous and charming. Handsome playboy and vain to boot. He had a female partner at his law firm which he clearly respected. That ruled him out as a chauvinist. Incredibly ambitious, bitter when he did not get his way but willing to apologize, if he discovered himself in the wrong.

It painted a captivating picture.

After her horrific assault experience, men had been out of the question for a while. She was willing to try again but she wanted someone that could challenge her and at the same time give her a sense of safety. Will seemed precisely the man she was looking for.

She could tell from the beginning that she had him hooked. His look could not mask that he found her attractive and his smile at her witty and fiery repartees revealed that he admired her mind too.

Why, then, did every progress with him seem like pulling teeth?

She had worked at piecing the pieces of the puzzle together and then a clear picture emerged. She wondered how she could have missed it before. Maybe Will had her already under his spell more than she was willing to admit.

She recognized Will's behavior as a defense mechanism, one she had used herself.

Will had been hurt. Greatly. He was still recovering from that blow.

Curious to understand how serious the situation was and who the mighty love of his life might be, she had swiftly dropped into the conversation one of her exes and had propped him to do the same.

He had talked easily about dating a gazillionaire that was still in law school and a sport-journalist who had gone to London to follow the Olympics. He never broke eye-contact, nor seemed ill at ease. These women were not the ones he was pining for.

She had then started thinking about an illicit relationship. He would want to protect the identity of his lover.

When she observed Alicia's look when she called Will, she wanted to slap herself for not figuring it out sooner.

Alicia was the State Attorney's wife. She was in the middle of a political campaign. She had two children and she worked at his firm. She was considered the Saint Wife who stood by her husband even after a horrifying cheating scandal.

She was the ultimate unobtainable woman and Will hungered for her.

That night, at dinner, she tried to poke the bear. She asked about how the case was going, how Alicia was handling the situation.

He had looked down and clammed up immediately before giving her a generic answer.

Bingo!

The rush for having found the solution did not last long. The identity of the woman made things complicated. The best she could wish for was an unrequited love on his part. She was confident she could cure him of that affliction.

People who spent too much time in love alone, under the many layers of fiction and pretenses, wanted to be loved back, to be considered worthy of being someone's first choice. She could do that for Will.

If, instead, Alicia reciprocated those feelings she would have a game of chess to play.

Alicia had fought for her in court, gave her a friendly ear to listen and found her a new job. If there was a thing that she had learned from her attack was that women had to stick together, to protect each other. She abided by that precious rule. She had to give Alicia at least a sincere heads' up on where she wanted the relationship with Will to go.

So, here she was, just the afternoon after the discovery. Will had been in court with Alicia that morning but in the afternoon he was busy with the depositions for another case that would keep him away from the office. They could talk undisturbed.

"Evaluate your opponent!"

Somehow she perceived Alicia to be one of the most formidable adversaries she had ever faced.

She knocked and waited for the combat to begin.

* * *

At the knock on her door, she raised her eyes and found the last person she wanted to see. What did she want? Had Will talked to her? Told her about their relationship?

She didn't think so. When the reporter had threatened to destroy Peter's campaign with the story of an affair she had run to Will, afraid that he could, somehow, have been the source of the information. He had looked horrified for a second, then sad and disappointed. How could she imagine that he would do something to jeopardize her future?

She didn't want to commit the same mistake now. She had rejected Will but he still would not divulge private details to a woman he had just started dating.

That left the question unanswered.

She said a distracted "come in" and she hoped that she wanted to talk about a case or something else. Any topic under the sun except Will.

"Alicia, I'm sorry to disturb you. Do you have a moment to talk?"

"Sure, but just a moment. The murder trial I'm working on is particularly important."

"I hope it won't take long. May I sit?"

"Please. So what did you want to talk about?"

They were alone. Cary was helping Will in a deposition outside the office. The glass doors gave a view of the busy bullpen but nobody seemed interested to their conversation.

"Forgive me, Alicia, for being blunt, but there is no reason for small talk. Do you have a relationship with Will?"

There it was. The one question she didn't want to answer. The one question she didn't know how to answer. Was love on both parts enough for a relationship? She needed some time to think.

"What? Where did you get that idea?"

A typical lawyer question. Non-revealing and meant to obtain more information.

"I know you're better than these games. I have seen how you looked when Will came with me yesterday. You seemed as if you had just taken a violent slap."

Laura was a lawyer. She had been a lawyer in the military. She recognized pain. She had believed herself immune to public displays of real emotions, but maybe that held just for Peter. Will was always so different. He had not told her. She had, with that jealousy that wouldn't be tamed. Now she owed Laura an answer.

She could deny everything. Spin a story about how the trial was weighing in on her. Then there was the campaign, the kids...

She could give her the answer practiced for acquaintances and the press. She and Will had flirted with something more than friendship at Georgetown but that was it. Water under the bridge.

She could tell her the truth. She was in love with Will. She wanted him to be happy but she wanted to be the one to make him so. She didn't want Laura to be her wonderful self because Will could truly fall for her and then all would be lost. She was trapped in a web of obligations and circumstances but she threw longing glances at the man Laura was dating. She had started wondering if she could truly go on living a lie, pretending forever without an escape route or a plan B. Did she want to spend the rest of her life as a political wife?

She crossed the "Other" option.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Alicia, you saw us yesterday. We have started dating. I need to know if he already has someone else. Especially if that someone else is a friend of mine."

Or maybe she was issuing a warning that Will was hers now and no office-romance could exist. Friendship be damned!

"Will and I are not sleeping together."

A morsel of truth to keep away other questions.

"Good. I didn't think you were. But that's not a complete answer. Have you slept together in the past?"

She wanted to say "No!". A clear denial would have put Laura off her trial, maybe even ended the conversation.

There was a but. She could report the conversation to Will, maybe falsely laughing about her silly worries and truly investigating his feelings. She would not be there for that scene. She would not be there to see Will's eyes at her magic act of disappearance of their dalliance. Knowing Will, he would never even confront her about it. She could say no and forget about it.

Except that she couldn't forget about it. He could imagine that she had regretted those months spent with him. He could berate himself for even hoping that there could be something serious between them. Will's crushed eyes came to her mind. She had hurt him plenty during her lifetime. One more for quiet living would not change much. She still could not bring herself to tell that one lie, to cause him even the slightest amount of pain. Not after the debilitating experience of the day before.

"There is no need to rehash the past"

When you held something back, a lawyer just dag further. She perceived the mystery and wanted to get to the bottom of it. At least it was her move again. Unless she stopped playing altogether.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work."

"He's still pining for you. You shouldn't hang on to him. Otherwise, he will never move on."

She was right. Of course she was. Hearing her moral imperative verbalized by someone else made her angry. How much did she have to give to pay her debt with the world? Feelings did not disappear when they were inconvenient or improper. Couldn't she at least grieve in peace?

What did Laura know about them anyway? A few looks, a lot of guesswork. Her banal deductions seemed a violation of the sacredness of the bond that tied her and Will. She wanted to punch back, to knock her down just as she had done with a few sentences. The paralysis power generated by the truth of her words made her pause for a few seconds and that gave Laura the chance to continue.

"You know, Alicia, I really think that we could be great together. I could make him happy. He deserves that."

True, true and true.

Destructive, annihilating, so true.

She couldn't let those be the last words of the conversation.

"Make sure you deserve him."

Where had that come from? Was that a sort of blessing? From Laura's tentative smile she had taken it that way. A close friend looking out for Will's wellness.

It closed the conversation with a neat bow, so she let it go. When Laura had left the office, she allowed herself the luxury to reflect on what she had wanted to say.

She had meant "make sure you deserve him before you claim that you are the one that can make you happy".

She had meant "if you look closely, you'll see that you're not enough for him. Nobody will ever be."

She had meant "make even a minimal mistake and I will take him away from you forever."

She had meant "don't rest on your laurels. If life without him keeps being so unbearable, the past could become present again. Then, gloves will be off and I will use every tool in my box to get Will back."

**A/N: In my ideal plan, this is part 1 of the conversation. Alicia didn't use her claws in this one but those will come out in part 2 when the situation will be very different.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: You can blame/thank Josh Charles's eyes in the last episode for the speed of this update. They begged me to put him out of his misery. I can't do that here in one chapter but I can get him closer. I'm not sure if the murder narrative works for you. If not, I'm sorry. Despite years of criminal training, via TV shows I still don't know how to create a compelling case. If you don't like Will's closing, it's my own fault. Don't blame the poor Will, he has had enough blows lately ;)**

"Her name was Julia Thompson. She was smart, tall, blonde and beautiful and I was desperately in love with her. The problem was that the entire heterosexual population of my high school was too."

He paused for the slight chuckle coming from the jurors. "Make them laugh" was a mantra that could be applied even to a closing argument in a murder trial. The illusion of levity after days of hearing gruesome evidence was so needed that somehow one little smile could make them thankful enough that they would hear the rest of his words with much more attention than usual.

"She was the Holy Grail of women and all of us were on a dangerous quest to get her attention."

Lie. Even in his playboy days brunettes always held a particular charm.

"Why am I telling you about my not-so-glorious high-school days?"

Pause for effect. Let the jurors try to guess their own answer. They would be much more engaged.

"Because I think this trial is not about Jon Del Mar. It's about her, about Joy. A girl with no means that has been working since she was 14 to help her family. Joy, which in high-school was the shy girl that was overlooked by the Mark Thompson of the situation but grew up to be a beautiful young woman. Joy that at a party a friend has brought her to, meets again Mark, the dream of her adolescence. Mark this time doesn't look over her but right at her. Mark that asks her out, and they start a relationship."

Pause again. Let them think over the narrative, make sense of it in their own heads.

"But as any of us has learned, the Mark and Julia Thompsons of the world are heartbreakers."

Read their faces, notice which of the jurors have been disappointed by the jock or the head-cheerleader in high school. He spotted at least 3 men and 2 women. Good, the women in particular were essential. He kept walking as if he were thinking what to say next. He had it all memorized but he wanted them to relive the pain that the unattainable could inflict on the others.

"They also have an ego complex. They think it's all right for them to step out on you but God forbid you repay them with the same coin."

Flinch from juror number 5, a woman. Excellent, let her empathize with the victim and her reasoning.

"Keeping that in mind, I'll tell you the rest of Joy's tragic and too short story. Joy discovers that Mark is cheating on her but she loves him, she doesn't want to give him up. Enter Mr Del Mar, her boss, an attractive man, most of all Mark's mother's doctor. Joy starts thinking, what would be the harm in an innocent lie? She'd play the girl in love for the woman, the woman would report to her son and see if he likes being taken for the same ride."

"I want you all to picture the Mark and Julia Thompsons of your life. Would it have been unreasonable to lie to get them back? Can you be sure beyond any reasonable doubt that Joy didn't play a part for a particular patient? You've heard Mrs Downey say under oath that Joy had never acted affectionately before, just that day. That day, just a week after having discovered that she had been cheated on, as her best friend testified. Such an incredible coincidence, as the prosecution would have you believe?"

He saw some jurors give a disbelieving snort when he had nominated Geneva. He was no jury-reader but he felt sure that some of the 12 people standing in front of him had not been convinced by the State's case.

"Are the Joys of this world content of being just victims, or does any of them play an active role in deciding their lives?"

"We are nearing the end of my tale. The plan goes smoothly. The mom, who doesn't like Joy in the first place, calls her son and Mark goes to the study to confront her. He waits for Mr Del Mar to come out. He is a big man, there is the risk of a serious brawl that would bloody his newly minted jacket."

Distaste in some pairs of eyes. Exactly, hate the guy that thinks himself above any consequence!

"He then goes to Joy. He is furious. Who is she to sit at the adult tables? They fight, she refuses to admit the mistake unless he admits his, he gets angry and strangles her. Now he has won for sure. Joy won't be cheating on him anymore. Indeed, she won't have any other man after him."

He stopped for a while, once again giving the jury time to digest the information he had given them. He looked towards the gallery. He noticed Laura smiling brightly at him. She of course should not be taking his side but she wasn't Geneva's biggest fan while she seemed to be more and more fond of him. Indeed, just the day before, before his final rehearsal of the closing argument she had insisted to take his edge off and it had worked wonders for his mood. He forced his head back in the game. If all went as he wished it to go, this was the last act of this absurd case. No more forced meetings with Alicia and his son, no exploiting all his strength to keep his feelings at bay.

"Ms Pine has explained that Mr Del Mar was going out and he had already put his gloves off when he killed her. That's why there were no traces of his DNA on the victim. Then he ran off, leaving her dead. If I were to read the tea leaves, I would posit a different scenario. Mr Del Mar had argued with Joy still inside his office, when Mrs Downey heard them. Then, after leaving her there, he took his coat, put his gloves and he walked off his rage before returning home. Joy's boyfriend instead came from outside. It was natural for him to have gloves on with the freezing temperature. He also magically disappeared the day after. Our P.I. suspects that he is in Europe with his parents. What a coincidence! "

Final peroration. Will loved the thrill of those.

"When you go back to your deliberating room, please, keep Joy's best interests at heart. Let her have the ultimate justice against a man that wanted to protect his ego so badly he didn't think twice about ending Joy's life. Show him that she wasn't irrelevant, that you will not convict the wrong man and you will thus hold the SA's office and the police accountable to find the real killer. Show this city that high-school ends. In Adult-Chicago Mark Thompsons cannot get out of jail with a winning smile and a plane ticket and good men like Jon Del Mar get to go home to their family. Thank you"

The silence following his last word was broken by a soft clap. He turned around and saw Nisa and her mother that with tears in their eyes wanted to storm the room with an applause but had refrained. The instinct had remained and that first meeting of their hands had been enough to end the tranche the entire room seemed to have fell in.

The judge was talking now, starting to give instructions to the jury. He went back to his desk and was met by Alicia's eyes. He had expected gratitude but his senses had to have been a little off because what he perceived in her gaze was love. She was looking at him how he had always wished her to. Her brown eyes were brightened and twinkled with a tear or two. She was smiling and her entire countenance seemed to suggest such affection that it would have been natural for him to take her in his arms and kiss her until she begged him to stop for some air while breathlessly laughing.

He then remembered where he was and what situation they were now in. After all, he had never truly seen Alicia's eyes shine with love for him. He was mistaking intense gratitude for love. That's how much his brain still would not let go of the idea of her.

She put an hand on his arm and murmured "Thank you", then they both moved towards Mr Del Mar, with some encouraging words before being taken in custody waiting for the jury to come back. The court-room door had just been closed behind Mr Del Mar's frame when Zach came from behind him and said:

"Will, that closing almost made me want to change my major in college to pre-law. You're coming with us for lunch, right?"

Was he? He and Laura had sort of made plans if he got done at a decent hour. She would understand if he went to lunch with the client's family.

And Alicia. And Zach.

But he had already spent too much time at the receiving end of Alicia's gaze. His traitorous heart was already beating with unjustified enthusiasm. Better to quash all hope before it could take root again and in order for him to have a chance to do that, he needed to be with Laura and to be away from Alicia. He would not be able to avoid a celebratory dinner if they won, or a starting-the-appeal-strategy dinner if they lost. This lunch he could avoid. So he did.

"I'm sorry Zach. I am going to have a quick launch with Laura and then go back to the office. Work waits for no orator" he smirked and tried not to disappoint him.

"But you'll be here for the verdict?"

"Of course. They'll call me and I'll come straight over."

He did not miss Alicia's sharp intake of breath at his refusal but he had been training himself to ignore any possible signal coming from her. He greeted the Del Mar's family, Zach, and briefly waved to Alicia before reaching Laura that was waiting for him at the end of the room.

* * *

The jury came back fast, after just over an hour. She could never predict if it was good or bad news.

Will came rushing from Laura's office and she hated that jealousy inflamed her as it had the first time she had seen them together. It had been two weeks since she had given Laura her sort-of, maybe-not, blessing and they had already slept together.

She had noticed the always-put together Will come to work with the same suit two days in a row, looking mighty satisfied. She had wanted to slap him or to kiss him to keep that grin off his face. She was the only one allowed to put it there. He could not be already moving on, he could not be already falling in love with someone else. Not when she was still replaying moments with him in her mind, when her thoughts were consumed by his face, his hands, his lips, his eyes so much that she found it difficult to concentrate.

Her conversation with Peter of the day before had troubled her. He had asked about living arrangements if he became the governor of Illinois. She had to start thinking about her future. Did she want to move to Springfield and abandon Lockart/Gardner? She had no intention whatsoever of doing that. She was a partner now, she enjoyed her job and the idea of not seeing Will every day was inconceivable, no matter how much pain she had lately associated to his presence. She would have to commute from time to time. Maybe even take planes and choppers in order to be there for the main events.

The tedious life of galas, fundraisers and speeches flashed in front of her. Peter returning late in Chicago when he could, expecting her to be chipper and so glad to have this life with him.

She wasn't.

She still cared deeply for him. She would venture out and say that she loved him. But being in love with him? That was gone forever.

In an alternate world, she could survive just fine with her companionship with Peter. She was still attracted to him. They had two amazing kids and she would never feel that deep betrayal if he ever decided to look for prostitutes again. He had not only broken her love. He had broken her trust. He would never get it back.

Sure, she trusted him enough to deal with the kids and also to well govern the people of Illinois. Her heart was off-limits, though. She would suspect at every rumor, question every tabloid article she happened to glance at the supermarket. She would never feel safe again with him.

She would not mourn the loss of that sensation so deeply if she hadn't felt it with someone else, when she had thought it gone forever.

She would adjust easily to her life with Peter if she didn't love Will so incandescently. When a wanderer pilgrim found a single path instead of a crossroad he did not waste time wondering what that other path would lead to. Alicia had found herself at a crossroad, she had taken the Will path before retracing her steps. The knowledge of the bliss she had felt, that she would still feel could not be erased. She would be stuck in a never-ending loop. Every time an event didn't catch her complete attention (almost always), her mind would roam back to Will and to what that very moment spent with him would entail.

Was that a life worthy of that name?

While the judge was entering she snack at peek at her son. She was doing it for him and his sister. It was a valid reason but if Zach was any indication maybe having it all wasn't completely out of the question.

"Madame Foreperson, have you reached a verdict?"

"We have, Your Honor."

"What say you?"

"In the matter of Cook County versus Jon Del Mar on the account of first degree murder we find the defendant not guilty."

She heard her Zach almost yell "Yes" behind her and Will at her side looking mightily relieved and a bit proud.

"Members of the jury, I thank you for your service. Mr Del Mar is free to go."

What about her? She was grateful of course but that wasn't enough. She was in love with him, she wanted to hug and kiss him and have him take her in the very courtroom in which he had worked his magic. She craved to spend the night with him, rediscovering each other. She needed to spend hours finding the best words to describe her love for him and then showing him to make the doubt in his eyes go away.

Instead when she turned he had already been enveloped in a hug by Mr Del Mar. Then it had been Mrs Del Mar and Nisa's turns and finally her son's.

Will had not presumed to initiate the contact with the teenager but Zach had given him a real hug and he had immediately reciprocated it.

She could mask the tears in her eyes as tears of joy for Mr Del Mar but they were of a truly different nature. They were tears at watching the two men she cherished the most in the world be at peace with one another, she even dared guessing loving one another. Instead of participating to the reunion she was standing awkwardly on the side.

The destiny of a woman who had chosen not to gamble and thus never won.

* * *

His mother was still sending longing glances to Will. He imagined that she found it hard to mask those anymore. When it was his turn to hug the lawyer that had freed Nisa's father he caught his mother's eyes filled with tears and the kind of tenderness he had seen in her every time he and his father ended up spending quality-time together.

It was obvious to him now that his mother wanted Will. He suspected she was holding back because of him and Grace but, at least for his part, it was no longer necessary. Sure, the divorce of his parents would open some wounds but he would get to see Will more often and he especially would get to see his mother properly cared for. He inferred that if Will had elicited such a love from his mother after she had been so thoroughly betrayed by his father, he had to be a man he could trust with his mother's heart.

He wanted to give his mother a possibility of being happy. He was going to college in a few months and Grace not long after. Now that she had her life back, she should get to live it with the man of her choice.

Will was dating the other lawyer and he didn't have enough information to formulate a true scheme. He could always coerce him into sharing some more.

They had already decided that the celebratory dinner needed to be postponed for a day. The Del Mar family needed a night for their own. He completely respected that. Plus, it fit seamlessly with his next move.

"Will, why don't you have dinner with us tonight? Grace has been bugging me with details about the case. Who better to tell her than the man who saved the day?"

He smiled but found a completely puzzled Will. He hadn't been expecting any such invite. At all. Will turned to his mother and seemed to be even more surprised when his mother got along with his invitation.

"Yes, Will, we would love to have you. I'm sure Grace would like to meet you."

He wasn't. Grace wouldn't like this evening at all but if this operation of his were to succeed, he needed his sister on board. There was no better way than by meeting the man himself and realizing how their mother hanged on his every word and gesture.

The unforeseen suggestion had made him speechless but when he recovered the power to speak and move, he started shaking his head.

"Thank you very much. It's a very generous offer. But I have already other arrangements and you need some family time."

He was sorry for Will but he was the son of two excellent lawyers. He wasn't going to get out of this dinner.

"Come on, Will. I'm sure your girlfriend could spare you for one evening. You saw her at lunch and you can always see her after dinner."

His mother came to his aid.

"And I know that you don't have any work-dinner scheduled. You have exhausted every option."

Will seemed not to like his mother's push too much, so he intervened again with the one word he knew would make him cave.

"Please, Will."

He begrudgingly nodded.

Victory.

His mother was beaming and was giving him the patented proud-hen look.

He smiled right back.

**A/N: Next time you'll see Will's POV at being roped into this situation and then, let the family dinner begin.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I'm sorry for the long delay. I know that many of you were waiting for this chapter. I spent Easter with my family and didn't have much time to write. I'm back now and this is the result. As a reward for your patience, this is the longest chapter in this story. Grace is probably more bratty than she would be in the show and Zach a little more perceptive but this is how it seemed to fit in the chapter. Also, I wrote more Will than I imagined because his pain feels so real in the show that it is easy to write him in an angsty situation. A big thanks to everybody that read and especially those who reviewed. It means a lot to know your thoughts on how the story is proceeding. Enjoy!**

He willed the phone to ring.

An emergency of a long-time client, a murder accusation, one of Diane's charity cases, anything to keep him out of dinner that night.

He could wait for Alicia to go home and then call and cancel the whole thing. Zach seemed impressed enough by his job to believe it plausible that there had been a last-time work commitment.

As for Alicia, he would gladly face her.

He was more furious than he had been the day of the mock-trial. Considering that Alicia was the object of the rage, that was saying something.

She was a dedicated mother. He got that. She wanted to acquiesce to his children's wishes. He got that. Did his feelings matter so little to her, that she would disregard them for a simple whim?

What was she trying to do to him?

The dinner could go hideously wrong. Grace could end up despising him, making him feel unwelcome in their home unit. Zach could find him uninteresting outside the golden halls of the courtroom. What would that prove? Did she wanted him to grasp just how right she had been in refusing him?

The dinner could go extremely well. He and Zach could engage in a battle of wits. He could make Alicia laugh, he was an expert in that field. Grace could see that and warm up to him. He was sure he could find at least a topic of conversation under the sun to share with a teenage girl. What would that accomplish? Was she trying to punish him for Laura by dangling in front of his face how whomever he picked would always be a second choice?

In any case, more heartache that he did not deserve. He had just done a huge favor to her son (and her, always her). What was his reward? More misery.

She could have easily stopped it. A few motherly words confirming that he was too tangled in legal work to spend the evening with them and voilà, problem solved. He would have had to merely endure dinner with the Del Mar's family but they would be the much-needed buffer and then it would all be over. A simple task compared to what he would be going through that very night. Zach would have been appeased and then taken in the folly of living in an election rush while preparing to go to college. He would forget about him.

She could have but she hadn't. She had encouraged her son. The right thing for him would be to pick up his cell and cancel. He could spend time with Laura or get a drink with Kalinda, ask her about how the sidekick was working out.

Instead something was holding him back. Was it the need not to disappoint Zach, to preserve that image of an hero in the eyes of an adolescent? Or was it some masochistic part of him that craved to see what he had been rejected for? To observe Alicia in that environment for which she had taken the decision that had severely crippled him?

He struggled to make sense of his entangled feelings.

In the meantime, the phone did not ring and he did not pick it up.

* * *

"We have to do it for mom", her brother was repeating but the mantra still did not convince her.

"She and dad seem better now, don't you think? Why would you try to break our family again?"

Some tears came to her eyes. The separation still hurt so much.

When she had discovered that her father had been with a prostitute, she had felt utter disgust. Why had he betrayed his family so thoroughly? Why was her mother not enough? Why did he feel the need to pay a strange woman to be happy? She had vowed then never to forgive him. She had been reluctant when her grandmother wanted to bring her to prison, she had defended her mother's choice of not calling her dad when that _woman _had begun spouting secrets about his dad on TV.

Then love had prevailed. Daddy's little girl could not hang on to her rage for too long. The devotion she felt towards her father was absolute. Embracing him back had been her only option. She and her brother had imagined that it would all go back to what it was, that the scandal had not destroyed their family.

That's why she had been heartbroken at overhearing her mother talking with Will on the phone. That's why she had never asked again if she was considering a divorce. She had believed her brother to be of the same opinion. He had been their father's greatest champion. Why then was he now imploring to give Will a chance?

"Mom and Dad are spending more and more time together. If Dad wins, it'll be like nothing ever happened."

"That's not true, no matter how much I wish it so."

"You always defended Dad, have you changed your mind?"

"No, of course not"

"Then why? Why do you want to make their separation final?", she raised her voice. It was such a stupid decision. Why could he not see that?

"Why?" she shouted.

"You didn't see mom. You didn't hear her." he shouted right back.

At this, she paused.

"When?" she added in a quiet voice.

"We had just finished in court, Will was talking to me and a woman called him. His girlfriend. He said goodbye and went to her. Mom was Mom. She masked her emotions almost immediately. But for a second there she was devastated. She looked at them and she almost howled in pain."

"Couldn't it have been something else?". Let me hope, Zach, allow me to return in my happy bubble.

"No, she was laughing before seeing that woman and Will."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am. Do you think that I want our parents to divorce?"

"It's just that you're making it so easy. One day we are an united front, the next you want Mom to get a new boyfriend."

"It was not easy. Dad has always been and will always be Dad but..." he stopped as if pondering whether or not to say what he was thinking.

"But what, Zach?"

"There are things that you don't know."

"Like what? Tell me" her voice sounded whiny to her own ears but she wanted Zach to stop coddling her.

"Dad hurt Mom with another woman."

"What? When?"

"I don't know when precisely. I think she found out when they decided for the separation."

Of course. How could she not have put two and two together before? Her mother was not the impulsive type. If she had taken such a drastic decision there had to have been a triggering event.

"I think Dad still loves Mom and she loves him. She's supporting him during the campaign. They will always be close. But do we really want them to stay together just for us? Especially if we are going to college soon?"

Said like that, it started to make sense. But the timing felt still off.

"Why now? Why can't we wait till the election is over, till I get to be at college too and I don't have to stand this Will person if Mom decides to get with him?"

"Because, I think he could get serious with this other woman."

"Problem solved, then. Mom would have to get over him and it will all be ok."

"No, it won't". His brother was starting to get upset, something completely unnatural for him.

"Why are you getting so worked up?"

"Because I think Mom refused him because she has Dad, the election, us."

I was confused. How could Zach know all of this? Had Mom confided in him? Had he overheard something?

"I don't know for sure. But ever since I saw Mom's look I can't stop replaying the scene the day before I asked Will to head Mr Del Mar's defense. Mom was adamant about not asking him. Too adamant."

"You said she told you that she had taxed him in another case. What's wrong with that?"

"When I went into his office, he said yes immediately and he didn't make a big deal out of it. He doesn't seem like the kind of person that would stop helping you because he has helped you before."

That wasn't completely unreasonable. However, they still knew so little about their mother's work-environment. It was hard to be sure.

"You could have got it wrong."

"I don't think I have. Anyhow, if there is even a chance that I've got it right, after what he has done for me, after having seen how he makes Mom laugh, how he always makes sure she has hot coffee in the mornings at court, how she trusts him, how they understand each other without talking... I just want to give them a possibility to be happy. I don't see it as so absurd."

"At the expense of us and Dad."

"When Mom stayed with Dad through the whole ordeal, didn't she do it for us and Dad?"

"She is our Mom."

"So what, she has to sacrifice forever and we just accept it?"

"Not forever, just a few more years."

"What if Will is married by then? Our mother doesn't want any other man, she wants Will Gardner. If she does not get him and we are the cause... I don't want to live with that."

"So if Mr Del Mar hadn't been accused, you would have been fine with it, but now it's this life-and-death situation?"

"Why are you being so difficult? Yes, probably if the whole thing with Nisa's father hadn't happened, I would never have noticed. But it did happen. I did notice. Do you want me to pretend that I didn't? To just ignore it?"

His brother seemed passionate about this cause. Was this man so important for their mother?

"Look, all I'm asking is that you don't act downright hostile tonight, just get to know him, watch Mom around him. Then you can tell me if I am wrong."

"We don't even know for sure that he is truly interested in her."

I do know. I heard Mom talk on the phone with him. She was convincing him that there could be nothing between them. She decided to hide that piece of information from her brother. He seemed convinced enough on his own.

"That's why tonight while you watch Mom, I'll be watching Will, to see it the feeling is mutual."

"And if it is?"

"If it is, and you are a little bit convinced, we talk to Mom. We tell her that we appreciate everything that she has done for us but that if she wants to be with Will, that's fine too."

She hoped Zach was somehow wrong about their mother. It would be difficult otherwise to negate what he was saying. If her mother was in love with Will, she had to at least consider giving her blessing. In the meantime, she would do her best to scare him off.

* * *

When the door opened to reveal Zach, he exhaled. At the moment, the young man was his favorite person in the Florrick household and he had to take his victories wherever he could.

"Come on in Will, Mom is just finishing up dinner!" he smiled and nodded towards the kitchen. He had been in her house many times before. Most of those memories replayed in his dreams, when rationality could not stop them.

Standing there that night, he was instead reminded of the first instance of being in that hallway.

"Will, you can't..."

If only he had truly listened to what she was saying that morning, he could have avoided a lot of pointless hope.

He joined Alicia in the kitchen when he handed her a bottle of champagne, for a celebration of sorts. He had even briefly entertained the idea of bringing something for Zach and Grace but it wasn't his duty anymore to impress them. Indeed, in a couple of hours, they would be back to being parallel lines, never to cross paths.

"Will, you shouldn't have."

He shrugged, still not trusting himself around her. He was avoiding eye contact too. Thankfully Zach and his sister interrupted what could potentially have been a very awkward moment.

"Will, this is my sister Grace."

"Hello, nice to meet you. You are the mind behind your mother's ringtones. I'm a fan."

Why was he complimenting the clearly uncomfortable teenager? He had assumed his charming persona in a second, without putting too much thought into it.

"Yes, it's not very difficult, you know..."

That comment earned her a glare from her brother and he supposed one from her mother as well. He instead rejoiced in Grace's sour disposition. This night could end much sooner than he had expected.

"Dinner is ready. Let's sit!"

Instinctively he turned around to help Alicia carry the plates. Zach got there first but he had to have noticed his gesture because he said:

"Thanks Will, why don't you sit and just be a guest tonight?"

"Zach is completely right. You have done enough work for today."

He hadn't even tried his first bite of salad when Grace started talking.

"My brother sings your praises. He says you were amazing. But I think that you cannot be better than my Mom. I saw her in court, you know?"

"Grace...", Alicia started but he interrupted her before he could reprimand her.

"You're absolutely right. I did have the privilege of witnessing your mother's legal acumen twice in our first week of law school. Week, not month or year."

"How?"

He got her attention after all.

"Basically, she kicked my ass in Tort Law and Family Law. I promised myself that I would never be that humiliated again. And so I did the only reasonable thing to make sure of that."

"Which was?"

This time Zach was asking.

"I convinced her that I wanted to be her friend when, to tell the truth, I only wanted to snag her as a partner for our mock trials."

Alicia laughed openly. He did not look her in the eyes but the sound of her laugh was so carefree that he couldn't help but cheer a bit at the power he still held over her.

Grace was silent and seemed to observe her mother very carefully. He wanted to confide in the girl:

"Don't worry, Grace. I can make her laugh, I can give her screaming orgasms, I can do her favors and protect her at the firm. I can get dragged in the middle of political shenanigans and never complain about it. It's never enough. I can love her the best I can and she still chooses her family. You have nothing to fear from me."

He did not dare tell her that. Her mother had made it clear that he had to maintain the secret. He wasn't about to betray her for his own satisfaction.

She seemed to be persistent.

"So you wasted 13 years of your life, didn't you?"

"What?"

"Grace, that's enough. I'm sorry, Will.."

Grace seemed to be on a roll

"I mean, my Mom took time off to support Dad and to raise us, Dad became State's Attorney and is now running for Governor. You are not a judge, you are not even Mom's boss anymore."

From the mouth of adolescents. There it was, the debilitating truth. 13 years of getting ahead and nothing to truly show for it. He couldn't let Grace know exactly how much she had wounded him.

"Right again, Grace. I should have focused on my basketball career. My coach always said I wasted my potential"

"Which coach, a professional one? Otherwise it wouldn't have amounted to much anyway."

The temptation of answering in tone was strong. A "It's called irony, Miss Know-it-All, I used it to avoid embarrassing your mother and your brother further than you have already done. Something your father was clearly never too worried about" would have put an end to her brazen behavior. It would have served also the very nice purpose of upsetting Alicia and making her suffer a bit.

He decided to suppress his feelings for the umpteenth time and let the whole family off the hook. Just one more hour of acting like a polished adult and then he could flee and forget.

"I used to practice many sports. If basket didn't pan out, there could have been tennis or soccer. Or I could have been a model, given my devastating good looks. One doesn't become the 16th most eligible bachelor just like that."

Alicia and her son smiled. Grace still seemed unenthused but at least she had stopped throwing poisonous daggers. He considered it progress.

His cell-phone rang and he excused himself from the table to answer it. It was Laura, asking if he wanted to stay the night. He was halfway into saying yes when he found himself in the living room, looking at the couch Alicia had straddled him on. Laura deserved something more than to be his own personal plaything. He couldn't go to her when he would be plagued by Alicia throughout the night. He told her that he was beat and that he would surely see her tomorrow. She seemed appeased enough for the moment. Maybe she would have more questions in the morning but he could deal with one problem at a time.

While he had been gone, Alicia had brought to the table her pot-roast. The banter of so long ago came back effortlessly.

"Am I to assume that you're challenging me again, do you think that 15 years can change the fact that you don't know my secret recipe?"

Alicia rewarded that answer with the kind of look he had seen on countless devoted wives and husbands. Delusions. Just delusions. Nothing more than that.

"I thought you had forgotten."

"Please, this is the one field I can beat you in with my eyes closed. Grace could see that I have some sort of dignity."

Had he implied that he would cook pot-roast for Alicia and her children just to show off? They are kids, they will forget tomorrow, he reassured himself.

"Care to let us know what you're talking about?" Zach intervened.

"I'll let the second-rate pot-roast cook tell the story."

Alicia took the baton immediately and launched in the retelling of their pot-roast tradition.

"It all started when Will boasted that his grandmother had taken the time to teach him her secret recipe for this wonderful pot-roast."

He had to interject. This tale was one of his favorites from the Georgetown days. He found that the sting of the heartache she had caused him back then had faded and he could revisit that period with mirth and not pain.

"Your mother, being the Ms. Perfect that she was challenged me to a pot-roast contest."

"And you won?"

"I won 10 consecutive times. At the end there, I think she did it just so she could taste that piece of culinary heaven that is my pot-roast."

Alicia threw him the pot-holder she had in her hands with an incredulous "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease".

He caught it and added: "See, the clear sign of a sore loser."

"Do you two tease each other like this all the time?" Grace, this time, seemed to be asking sincerely.

He shared a brief look with Alicia, and she nodded, trusting him to answer correctly.

"Not in front of clients. Some consider it unprofessional", he grinned to her, showing that there was no cold blood from before, he would not fault her being perceptive.

That seemed to break the ice. The rest of the dinner was pervaded by an air of domesticity, parents that tell their children their embarrassing anecdotes from long before. He would almost venture to say he was enjoying himself.

Except that he was living on borrowed time. He was just a placeholder for the real man that belonged at that table. A pathetic one at that since he was a glutton for punishment. By the time dinner was over, Grace had cooled off considerably and she hadn't managed to hide her smile at some of his jokes. Zach and Alicia, for their part, were over the moon, or so they looked to the outsider.

"We should do it again sometime. We have heard so much about this pot-roast now we have to verify for ourselves." Zach suggested and he would swear he saw Grace give a minuscule nod.

"Sure" he answered. "We should do it again sometime" was the universal code for "We'll forget before we find the time." He was in the clear.

"I'll take Will to his car, I'll be back in a second."

That was Alicia wanting to talk alone. He wasn't ready to give her that opportunity tonight. Not after how confused he felt.

"No need, Alicia. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye Zach, and Grace, nice to have finally met you."

He then thanked his star when he heard the ping of the elevator that meant the end of the exhausting day. He had successfully saved a man from being wrongly convicted in the morning. He had prepared a brief in the afternoon and he had melted the frosty countenance of a teenager that happened to be the daughter of the love of his life in the evening.

Any other man would see it as a triumphant day.

Instead, he let the melancholy of what could have been but hadn't, envelop him on the way home.

* * *

Alicia was struggling to remember the lyrics of that popular Streisand song while washing the dishes.

_"Misty water-colored memories  
Of the way we were  
Scattered pictures,  
Of the smiles we left behind  
Smiles we gave to one another  
For the way we were"_

How apropos the words seemed in that minute. She remembered washing the dishes after every evening with Will. He had always found a way to make it fun. Back at Georgetown, it had been mimicking their professors' voices while one washed and the other dried. During their brief relationship instead he had taken to transform the whole activity in foreplay. He nipped her earlobe and whispered what was to come in her ears while his hands moved gently all over her body. The time after this first experience, he had insisted that it had been his turn to "do the dishes". She had never understood if he had done it a bit to alleviate her everyday burdens.

Reflecting about him sharing those intimacies with another woman pierced her fiercely. Was this going to be the rest of her life? Regrets mixed with bittersweet memories of the way she and Will had been?

Will seemed to have won even Grace over. If they could only accept him as something else...

If she had the choice again...

If she found the courage to go after what she longed for...

Alicia was still lost in her ifs when Zach and Grace came to the kitchen, looking serious:

"Mom, we need to talk."

**A/N: Yes, next chapter you will read that talk and Alicia will finally realize what she should have realized all along. **


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: This chapter is speeding things up quite a bit. I hope that you don't feel that the development has been rushed too much. A huge Thanks to everybody that reviewed last chapter. The dinner proved quite difficult to write. I was happy to hear that you liked it. The new summary is from Kate Bush's "Wuthering Heights". It's one of my favorite songs ever. If you have never heard it, I suggest it as a great complement to the second part of this chapter. Do ignore the "cruel Heathcliff" references. Will is not cruel at all =)**

"Mom, we need to talk."

Zach had spoken and Grace seemed to agree with her older brother.

"What's up? Is there something wrong?"

"Are you in love with Will?"

Where had that question come from? Had she been so transparent that evening? She supposed so. The way he had behaved throughout the previous weeks had been exceptional and so quintessentially Will's that she found it impossible to mask the way she felt about him. Now she had to give her children an answer. Was honesty the best policy? If she said no, and no convincingly they would back off. Zach would probably not see much of Will in the future and he wouldn't be there to witness her lack of pretenses around him. Grace would probably have no contact with him whatsoever.

It was doable. It was what she had worked so hard for, to protect them from knowing. It was the reason for the acute pain in Will's eyes, for his unshed tears. She couldn't undo it all, just to unburden herself. She couldn't. She was already formulating a denial when Zach unexpectedly continued:

"You don't have to make up a lie to cover it up, Mom. It was just a rhetoric question."

"Zach, I.."

Was her world crumpling with just a stupid dinner? She had wanted to hang on to Will so badly for a little bit more than she hadn't calibrated the risks well. They had seen.

"Mom, don't even bother. We wouldn't believe you anyway. I wanted Zach to be wrong but, tonight it was just so obvious. You were beaming at him. I don't even know if I ever saw you like that with Dad. Ever."

Grace, this time. They were attacking her on both fronts. The only thing left to do was admit defeat and apologize.

"I'm so sorry..."

"For what?" Zach answered immediately.

What was she sorry for? For loving Will so unabashedly? No, she could say it in front of her children but it would not be the truth. She had fought against this feeling for so long but now all her defenses had been breached. Will was such an astonishing man. She would never be truly sorry for loving him.

"For hurting you."

That was the absolute truth. Whatever she did in her life she never intended, under any circumstance, to harm her children. That night had been a gross miscalculation. Tears streamed on her face as copious as the day in which she had announced them the separation. She hadn't sheltered her children from all the evil in the world. She had caused them suffering. What kind of a mother did that make her?

Then Zach surprised her, in the most unexpected way.

"It's ok, Mom, please don't cry. We are not mad."

"What?"

"Come on, Mom, let's sit."

She thanked her son silently for the gesture because she felt lightheaded.

"We know that Dad hurt you. We know that it must not have been easy to face everything. We are thankful for all the sacrifices you have made for us but now you have to stop being the martyr."

"It's not being a martyr, it's being a Mom."

"Mom, we love you. We are always going to love you."

Her son hugged her and kept speaking while keeping her close.

"Nothing you ever do could diminish the opinion we have of you. Certainly not loving a man like Will Gardner."

"I..."

"You are the one that always hides herself to help the others. Now it's our turn. Get Will away from that girlfriend of his and we will be nothing but supportive. Plus, your pot-roast really isn't that good."

Zach was smiling and she managed a watery smile in return. Grace had been silent the whole time. After the very-non-welcoming way in which she had received Will that night, she couldn't possibly agree with her brother, could she? Zach had said "we" but she was dubious that his voice had included his sister's.

"Grace, do you agree with your brother?"

"I don't want to lie, Mom. I never wished for any of this. I thought that you and Dad were in love again, that everything was all right, that we had made it."

"Grace..." she went to hug her but her daughter talked again.

"I need to say this. Please don't interrupt me." She nodded.

"Zach was right. I was only seeing what I wanted to see. I didn't have all the pieces. You are happy with Will, Mom. You clearly adore spending time with him, you accept to be teased, you drop your guard, you act comfortably around him. He makes you laugh, he offers to give you a hand, he didn't even raise his voice when I called him a failure tonight. Instead he made light of it, so nobody had to be embarrassed. And he is not unattractive. I can see why you would fall for him, Mom."

Zach continued:

"He is the one that gave you a job when we desperately needed it, and from what I have seen, I can assume he has been there for you many other times after that."

Grace again:

"It's going to hurt and we are going to need some time to adjust but Mom, no matter how much I love Dad, if you love Will more, then he needs to be your choice."

"I'm going to college next year and Grace not long after. Your life is yours again, Mom. You should spend it with whomever you choose. "

"I'm sorry for the way I acted tonight with him. I wanted to preserve Dad's place, to let him know that he could never be a part of our family. But Mom, if you're always like that around him, I'll come around. That lightness you had tonight needs to be preserved. If he is the one that can put it there, we have no objections."

"The only thing that we still don't know for sure is if he feels the same. In court he seemed particularly attentive and tonight very charming but it could just be Will being Will so we need to know that this is not one-sided."

She wanted to laugh. Her love for Will was anything but unrequited, one-sided. It was Will that probably believed that his was. She had always been protected in this sense. He had ventured to want more, to say more and she had always shut him down.

She entertained the idea of lying. If she said that hers was just a stupid crush, she could still save her children from the hell they would have to endure. Just this once, though, she put Will first. What if Zach wanted confirmation and went behind her back again? Maybe accusing Will of not loving her? That would add insult to injury and it would be the ultimate sign of cowardice on her side. To blemish his image to protect hers was out of the question. Will deserved better.

"It's not one-sided" she said simply.

"I knew it couldn't be" Zach seemed proud at his investigative powers. Grace was more reluctant but she found a way to smile.

Her children were truly on board with this. She could go after the man she had been pining for and they would not stop her. She could stop faking her way through the day, she could trade uncomfortable conversations for marathons of animalistic sex and endless laughter. She could finally say "Yes". She could reverse the vicious cycle of pain, jealousy and missed connections. It felt liberating, exhilarating, so good.

"What are you waiting for? Go to him now. We can be alone for a couple of hours or more, if necessary."

"What? No I can't."

"Why not?"

"I need to think about this. I can't rush into a decision."

"What do you need to think about?"

"The campaign. How would it look if I left your father just after the election? We would seem the hypocritical political couple that presents a front for the campaign. It could hurt your father's reputation. He would be devastated. All of Eli's work and dedication could be lost. Then, what if you two change your mind and you needed me to be strong in this moment?"

Grace had been silent for a while but she put an end to her stream of consciousness.

"Mom, enough. All I hear is a list of rational reasons. What if there were no complications, would you go to him now?"

A "Yes" escaped from her before she could even notice.

"Then go, Mom. We can work through complications. We will heal. You have been denying yourself long enough. Go, get him back."

"Laura could be there..."

"Impossible" Zach said. "I heard them on the phone. He clearly closed with a "See you tomorrow". You have no more excuses, Mom. Take your keys and go."

"Your example had showed us that it's ok to put someone else's happiness before yours. Let us do that for you. You get to be selfish tonight."

She was so proud of her children. They were so grown up and reasoning like adults and they truly seemed to want this for her. Could it really be true?

"Mom, stop hesitating. Or tomorrow he will receive a visit from both me and Grace. Do you want him to hear it from us?"

"No, you're right."

She didn't want to miss Will's eyes when she said that it could finally happen between them, that there would be no more holding back on her front.

"Thank you, Zach, Grace. Thank you. You cannot imagine how proud this makes me. You are amazing and I will always love you more than anybody else."

"We know, Mom" they answered in unison.

"Ok, then."

She hugged them both and told them that she would never forget that night and what they had done for her. Never. Then she grabbed her keys, her phone and her coat and flew out the door. The chorus of "Good luck" coming from her children was the last thing she heard before entering the elevator.

* * *

While driving she could hardly contain her excitement. She wasn't thinking about all the obstacles she had to overcome. She wasn't obsessing over how to tell Peter about the end of their relationship. She wasn't prioritizing her friendship with Laura or her first lady's role. She was charged with the energy she had spent months suppressing. The electric current that always seemed to exist between her and Will was cursing right through her. She would see him in a few minutes. She would kiss away his agony, she would interrupt his afflictions, she would silence his doubts.

How could she have been so idiotic as to believe that she could keep living without Will? This elation within her, the unrestrained joy at the mere thought of seeing him were not feelings she could deprive herself of without consequence.

She allowed herself a moment of rationality. She would have to talk to Laura and Peter. Those would not be fun conversations. She was genuinely sorry for both of them. She hoped that in time they would both find someone else with which to share the remains of their lives. Laura with a man that hadn't been in love with someone else for over 15 years. Peter with a woman that could truly trust him, that wouldn't doubt his good faith at every rumor. He could start again from the beginning of the story and this time he would be smart enough not to commit the same mistakes that had led him to lose her heart forever. She and Will would have to disclose their relationship when the ballots closed. Diane wouldn't take it well, she expected and some of the fifth years could imagine that she had gotten the equity partner position just because she was sleeping with the boss. A whole amount of unpleasantness would surround her at the office and maybe at home too, once the initial burst of good-will from her children had exhausted itself.

But Will was worth it.

Will was worth the sniggers from secretaries and associates at work. Will was worth the end of Peter's dream to Washington. Will was worth, no matter how much pain it cost to admit it, the superficial wounds she was inflicting on her children.

Will had always been worth it.

She had just been too blind to see it. Trying hard to transform her love for him in love for "it", the lust, the feeling of being admired. She had refused to confront how serious her feelings were, in fear of being overcome by a wave she couldn't control.

Tonight she was letting go. Letting go of the carefully-constructed explanations, of the heavy restraints, of the downplaying, of her role as wife and mother. Tonight she was Alicia Cavanaugh, the woman that had left the first drink with Will at the bar counting the hours till her successive lesson so she could see and maybe challenge him again.

Tonight she was making a decision that was for her benefit, for once.

Tonight she was knocking at Will's door, weak, without any armor, asking him to let her in.

**A/N: I'm glad to announce that next chapter will be the one that you have been waiting for since the beginning of this fiction. Just Alicia, Will and the right outcome. In what POV would you like to read it? I'm quite curious to know. **


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I have been waiting to write this chapter since Chapter 3 and I think most of you have been waiting to read it for that long. After thousands of words I finally can. Thanks for all of you that have stuck with me for that long and for your support via reviews. I tried to stay as much in character as possible. If Alicia talks more than you would expect, I hope that at least you can reconcile her to the version of Alicia that I have tried to show up until now. From the reviews, the general consensus seems to be that you want to read both POVs. We'll start with Will's (it's so nice to give him some much deserved happiness) and if you like it enough to want to read Alicia's POV too, I'll write it too. Enjoy! **

The knock on the door woke him up from the restless sleep he had fallen in on his couch. He took a look at the clock and wondered who could be disturbing him so late.

Looking from the peephole he found the woman that was tormenting him. What more did she want? He thought he had been clear in not wanting her company in the short travel to his car. She was smart enough to take a hint. What was she doing then on the door of his apartment?

He considered ignoring her. The light coming from the only lit lamp was suffused and he wasn't wearing any shoes. She hadn't heard him and she was getting ready to knock again. He could be sleeping, he could be out drinking and she would never be the wiser.

His responsible side took over. In the minuscule chance that she was here on a work matter, he had to see it through. "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more."*

He opened the door in a simple swing and immediately, almost abruptly, asked:

"Alicia is there something wrong? Some emergency at work?"

"No, everything is ok, as far as I know."

She was still on the threshold and he contemplated for a second just closing the door on her face and going to sleep. Instead, he invited her in with his arm and closed the door after her. If he was forced to talk to her, she would hear him vent about how angry he still was over being roped in her family dinner.

It had been nice, after all, and he had been haunted all the way home by the ghost of the many family dinners that never weren't. Her presence at that moment in his house was exasperating.

He had been so taken in his own thoughts that he hadn't noticed that she looked nervous. What was she nervous about?

The sooner he found out, the sooner he could reach oblivion either by sleep or by alcohol.

"What's up?"

She was smiling uncertainly and was giving him a look that he would qualify of devotion, absolute love. The kind of look he had always craved. The kind of look he was prone to misinterpret. This was extreme gratitude again, just like in court. She wanted to thank him again and she was nervous because of the still awkward situation between them.

He tried to bypass the entire conversation and to go directly to the end. He would avoid them both pointless suffering.

"Alicia, it's not necessary to thank me again. You know that it's our job. Mr Del Mar is even a paying client. Nothing to be thankful for."

"No, Will, it's not that."

"What?"

What was it if not that? Did she have another favor to ask? That could be another reason for her being nervous.

"No, I mean, of course I'm thankful and so is Zach but I know you don't particularly make a fuss over your brilliance. Not with clients at the end of a case."

That was absolutely true. Alicia knew him very well. Damn her!

He didn't mind gratitude but he never exploited his position of power to humiliate people or to induce them to extravagant acts of thankfulness.

"Then what?"

"After you left, Zach and Grace came to me. They asked if I was in love with you."

Why are you torturing me like this, Alicia? Why would I care about the wording of your denial?

"And you are afraid that Zach will come first thing in the morning to compare our versions? Tell me what I should tell him and I'll do it."

Let's just get this over with. If he had to see Zach one more time to tell him that no, his mother was not in love with him, he would do it but then he wanted this whole situation out of his life.

"No Will, I told them the truth."

She was sporting a look of utter care, as if she was in front at the most precious person in the world. His heart accelerated on his own. Could it be? He quashed all hope and quickly gave his back to her in a desperate attempt to stop the tears.

"Will, please, turn around. I want to look at you in the eyes when I first tell you the truth."

Now she was playing with fire. Her last sentence could not be taken in many different ways. Unless she was so cruel as to want him to look her in the eyes when she told him that she had never loved him. The idea was ludicrous. Alicia wasn't that type of person.

But then...

Could it truly be?

He turned around slowly as the most powerful wave of sudden hope washed over him. She immediately put her hands on his face, caressing his cheeks gently, softly and drying the tears that had escaped with her fingers.

"The truth is Will that I love you, I am so completely in love with you."

She stopped and looked at him while he processed her words. So he had been right. That look, that sparkle in her eyes was love, not gratitude. Alicia was in love with him. The truth seemed so surreal. His mind and his body felt disconnected as in a dreamlike situation. For surely he had to be dreaming.

Alicia couldn't possibly be in his apartment pronouncing the words he had always wanted to hear from her. Only from her. Always from her.

She had to have noticed his dazed state because she added:

"No, Will, you're not dreaming and I'm so sorry."

They were so close that they were sharing the same air. His instinct was to hug her, to murmur on her neck that she never had to be sorry for anything, not with him, not when she was in his arms declaring her love.

Instead he refrained. He wanted to hear the words, that could be balm to his wounds.

"I'm sorry for every time I have given you the impression that your love was unrequited."

So many times, Alicia, so many times. Tears were clouding his vision. Again. He went to push them away but she got there first.

"I'm sorry for all the tears, for all the times you were alone, in your office, here or in a bar, drinking scotch, in the dead of night, because of me."

You can't be sorry for all those occasions Alicia. Your apology would go on forever.

"I'm sorry for undervaluing your brilliance, for not understanding that you and my children would go along famously. Zach by now thinks you can probably walk on water and Grace, no matter how hard she tried, couldn't hold her grudge till the end of the evening. I should have never said that it wasn't necessary for you to meet them formally. Of course it was. You offered so graciously and it meant so much to me that you were willing to do that. I'm sorry."

She had noticed then, that her brush-off on the family situation hadn't left him indifferent. Somehow she was composing a symphony that was touching all the right notes, and in rehashing the past she was putting the blame on herself and apologizing so that the injured tissue could coalesce, obliterating all the pain.

"I was trying to keep my life neat by separating it in different branches that never met and when the result got too difficult to handle I severed the one that was easier to cut. A simple look from me was enough to make you understand that we were over. That was it. A few seconds. But I was wrong. Life didn't get simpler staying away from you, it merely became sadder, emptier. I traded the time that I spent with you with time spent fantasizing about what I would be doing if you were still in my life. What a waste!"

She was crying now and he mirrored her previous gesture. Lightly but deliberately he rubbed his thumbs just under her eyes, letting her know that his care for her was still intact, no matter how many mistakes she had made with him, no matter how many times he had not been one of her priorities.

Then she smiled, as if suddenly she had remembered something.

"When Celeste was here we went for drinks. It was back when I had to pick between Martha and Caitlin. She told me that I should pick Caitlin and then make her life hell. Then she added that I would never do such a thing because I was a good person."

Where was this going to lead? Alicia was talking more than she had in years with him. She was being honest and the thrilling effect of getting to hear what was going on in her head instead of perennially guessing was unlike anything else in the world.

"I answered that I was not a good person. As a parting thought she left me with "Will is like me, he'll always disappoint you.", and I couldn't seem to forget it."

Ouch, Celeste. Why on earth would she say such a thing to Alicia? Was she really that petty?

"After that, when you told me that you had voted with David to hire Caitlin, I pondered over what she had told me. Had I been disappointed? Yes, but not by you. By myself. She was so wrong and I hadn't immediately perceived it. You have always acted in my best interest when you had the chance and there I was, doubting you. You took a chance on me at work and I repaid you taking the moral high ground and criticizing you for every decision that didn't adhere to my moral code. You took a chance on me personally and I repaid you hiding us, going around scared that, God forbid, someone could find out."

The picture she was painting was way too flattering. She didn't consider herself a good person and yet she had made sacrifices for her children, for her husband. Love made sacrifices natural, immediate, a reflex. He wasn't a saint for acting like that. He was merely in love.

"And you, Will, instead of taking it out on me at work, you acted like the greatest friend one could ever have. Always there for me, especially when I didn't deserve it. When Zach first told me about your meeting, he said that you had agreed immediately, and you hadn't even made it into such a great deal. Do you know how much that means? That two weeks after breaking your heart, you still made your best to make my son comfortable, the son from whom I had concealed you with all of my efforts? It's extraordinary."

What Alicia was praising was a feeling, more than his behavior. He didn't have much choice on the matter but, still, hearing her paying homage to what he had done, made the great Will Gardner blush. He thanked the soft light that spread in the room for concealing the sudden heat pooling in his cheeks.

"Don't shake your head, Will."

Was he? His subconscious had to have acted on his own.

"You and I, we are not politicians. We tend to underplay rather than boost some of our qualities. I have difficulty taking compliments at work, you can't seem to accept that as a man you're much better than what you believe to be."

Was it a quality or a flaw? She had fallen in love with a politician. She had married a politician. She had stuck by a politician. Now she was here, telling him that he, Will Gardner, was the object of her affection. So perhaps what was a flaw had transformed into a quality.

"I have always known it, ever since the first late nights, passing through pot-roast contests, white cards that offer a ear when you need it the most and arriving to perfect closing arguments that keep a friend out of jail. Maybe, precisely because I knew what caliber of a man you were, being with you felt like this undeserved luxury. Tonight I decided that it's time to start spoiling myself and to spoil you in return. I love you Will."

Then she pressed her lips onto his and all the frustrated dreams, the suppressed hopes, the shelved projects reappeared all of a sudden. This was Alicia kissing him after having said those three little words that would make him the most spoiled man in Chicago, if not on Earth. He responded immediately, hands moving to her hair while hers went beyond his neck. Their mouths opened and their tongues started a synchronized dance that was familiar but at the same time different because it felt less like a stolen moment and more like a beginning.

She stopped, breathless, grinning, happy.

"I can't get caught up in you while I'm not done apologizing."

"You can apologize later."

He kissed her again, languidly, slowly, to truly convince himself that she was real, supple, his. Most of all, she wasn't running, she wasn't making excuses, she wasn't murmuring "Damn it".

"Will, you need to hear it."

He stopped only because she seemed determined and her words before had enchanted him. Was the wording of an apology so important? As a lawyer he trusted the power of words but when it came to her, words that weren't "I love you" didn't matter. They were interchangeable. What mattered was the gesture, her burning need to apologize for every time she had wronged him. He was thankful for it, because it signified that she had always cared, that she had always kept an eye on him. He let her talk.

"I'm sorry for the timing, Will. If I truly listened to myself I could have told you that I saw a future for us that night in my office. I could have prevented all the agony you felt. The one that you didn't express not to burden me but that I always saw in your eyes."

Alicia was the person that knew better than anyone else how to look behind the mask, how to distinguish between lies and truths. Mostly because she looked at him. She focused with her perception on what his looks hid, on what the words would not reveal. She was right, he did blame her a bit for the timing. Why putting him through the ringer if she could have avoided it? Why the Calvary? Why had she stopped it now? What had changed? Could it change it back? Could she with words destroy everything that she had just built that night? He needed to know.

"Why now?"

A simple question but one with an answer that could reopen the Pandora box of all his insecurities.

"That's a good and legitimate question, Will."

She freed herself from the tenuous hold he had on her back and started walking away. "Don't", "You can avoid answering it if it means that you'll stay here, in my arms." Instead he waited, with bathed breath for the words she would pronounce.

"As for the why tonight, you can thank Zach and Grace. They are my children and apparently understand me well enough to know that I was denying myself what I truly wanted, which is being with you. They are on board with us being together. I don't think it will be easy for them but it's so not the insurmountable obstacle I saw before."

So it had been the dinner that had convinced them. He had gone there with the prospect of closing forever with that family and now found himself being welcomed into their ranks, or as close as welcoming two teenagers could be of the man that would replace their father. Had it all hinged on his behavior that night? What if Joy McKenzie hadn't thought about using Mr Del Mar as a way to make his boyfriend jealous? Were the threads of his life so flimsily woven together?

"All they did was rush my decision. It has been coming. Turns out that I haven't learned much from the past. I have been on the receiving end of not being valued enough but I made the same mistake. Something as brutal as jealousy opened me to seeing the obvious reality. Seeing you with Laura destroyed me."

Were his eyes really that telling? Could she read all his thoughts? He should be angry. He knew he should. She was right. Her timing was awful. He should be furious at the fact that she had come now that he had started, finally, to move on. He should remind her that he was still with Laura, that she did not deserve this treatment. He should, but in reality the only thing retained from her words was the fact that she had been jealous. That put a smile on his face. What a base reaction that was! But he couldn't help the feeling of joy at hearing that seeing him with Laura had destroyed her. She had no reason whatsoever to be jealous. But she cared enough to be. She was in love enough to be. He couldn't avoid smiling.

"Yes, you can smile but it wasn't an experience I would like to repeat. And it's also the umpteenth thing I have to be sorry for. Now that I know how it feels, I don't know how you did it. How you saw me with Peter and supported me in my decisions. Real love is selfless, I know that. But I can't imagine ever acting that way for so long."

Of course you can, you have done it countless times, Alicia. It doesn't matter. You can be as selfish as you want with me. I'll cherish all the selfishness that will bring you closer to me. Everything.

"I know that I'm being selfish. Laura is a great woman. You wouldn't have baggage, complications. There would be no hiding from the press until the election, no tabloids chasing after you, no Governor of Illinois hating you. No children to have to deal with. And yet..."

Laura again, right, she was more than a placeholder. How was it that Alicia could make him forget that there was a reality that included something, someone, beside them? He would have to break up with her. After all, she deserved much better than him, who would always consider her a second choice. In the meantime, his first choice was teary again and he reached her immediately to provide whatever comfort he could.

"And yet, Will, I want you all to myself."

"You have me. You have always had me."

If there was anything true in his life, it was that.

"I know, even if I never deserved you."

What? He would allow her to be repentant, but not to be ridiculous.

"How could you ever think that? You have always deserved it, me, Alicia. Your loyalty, your sense of duty, your fierce protection of your family, these are not flaws. They just happened to be in my way."

He smiled again, hoping that his eyes were up to the task of conveying just how much he believed in the words he was saying.

She smiled in return, taking his face in her hands.

"They are not in your way anymore. From now on, they'll only work for you, for us. It's not going to be a breeze."

"I know."

He answered immediately. He didn't expect words to fix everything. He understood the complications. They didn't matter. He was always ready to work through them all.

"I will have to talk to Peter and Eli. I can't choose the timing. It has to be what's better for him."

"Of course."

He had never doubted her support for Peter's campaign. He would never dream of asking her to withdraw it.

"But I will put some boundaries. We can't live in the shadow forever."

Ok, that was definitely encouraging. He couldn't wait for their shadow period to be over. To openly gaze at her, admire her brilliance, kiss her was the actual realization of his more important dreams.

"We'll work on letting you spend more time with the kids. Maybe not too much, I wouldn't want them to think... You know what, I think you and them will be much better at figuring things out that I ever would."

That was a supreme sign of trust and confidence in him. He felt honored at being treated like this. He would do his absolute best to make sure that Zach and Grace were as much ok as possible with this transition.

"And then there is the firm..."

The firm, yes, Diane in particular. She had been the best professional partner he could have asked for. She had supported him in his difficult moments and devoted herself to Lockart/Gardner with the same passion that he brought. Diane, who had confided in him that, if Peter were to win, a place in the Illinois court had her name on it. Would Peter backpedal on such a deal because of him and Alicia? He wouldn't. He wasn't above having him investigated but Diane was blameless. She would be the best judge he could ever tap. He had to guarantee her future.

"About that, you don't think that Peter could renege on his deal with Diane, right?"

His voice was panicked but the topic was important.

"You mean the Supreme Court Nomination? No, he never would. I'll make sure he doesn't."

He didn't want to ask favors. But this was Diane.

"Thanks, I'm sorry, it's just... Diane deserves it, you know?"

She smiled again and this time he could truly label that look on her face as love. He would never tire of her watching him like that.

"You don't have to apologize for looking out for Diane, Will."

"Good, we should give her a heads up, then. I'm not truly sure of how she'll react at the beginning but she'll come around."

"And there is always the possibility of someone accusing me of having become a partner because of us."

"If that happens, I'll assign them to second-chair you in any case and then they will be too flabbergasted at your legal brilliance to ever gossip again."

She started denying it but he blocked her immediately. It was time for him to compliment her.

"Haven't we agreed that not-politicians tend to undervalue some of their qualities?"

She nodded and the smile seemed etched on her face. Good. If it took all of his wit, he would use it to make it stay there.

"That settles all the complications that come with being with me, then."

"I believe it does. Do you want to do a lot more than shake our hands to seal our agreement?"

She launched herself on him again. They retraced their steps to get to the couch and they both fell on it with a quite the loud thud. Noise was the least of his concerns right now. He played with her hair while their kiss had already escalated and he wanted to touch all of her, to worship the woman which in that evening had handed him "something more than work", an happy future to look forward to.

Instead she distanced herself from him and panting she said:

"This can't go further. Not tonight, the kids are home alone. I know that they are big enough but..."

"Go, I understand."

"Really?"

"Really. But if you want to make it up to me in the future, I won't have any objection."

With a laugh she got up, recovered her purse and headed towards the door. He reached her in a few strides and convinced her into indulging in one more kiss. Not that she needed much convincing...

"Just promise me that tomorrow, when we see each other at work, you won't have changed your mind. I wouldn't want the thousands of fantasies that will have come up to my mind by then to go to waste."

He was joking but he needed that reassurance, those words, that look that smile that would demonstrate that he could let her go because she would be back.

"I promise, Will. It would be counterproductive to change my mind once I have finally made the right decision."

He leaned into the hand that was caressing his cheek and kissed her once again with his eyes well opened to confirm that Alicia, not another woman, was now exiting his apartment after having teased him on what was to come. Then he released her and she went away. He closed the door behind her and felt like jumping up and down throughout the apartment.

What a difference some weeks make. It wasn't that long before that he had returned completely dejected and decided to forget her, to extinguish all hope. She had come to him and ignited the flame again, pouring fuel on it.

The adrenaline was coursing through his veins. There was no way in which he could fall asleep immediately. Instead he realized that he hadn't directly said "I love you.". He had to remedy. He picked up his phone to send a message to the woman he loved. To the woman that loved him back. That simple combination of words brought a huge grin on his face. Kalinda would have a field day with this. He couldn't care less.

"Thank you. You won't regret it. Love you immensely. Will"

This time the "Love you" wouldn't be a slip. It would have a rightful place in almost all of their conversations.

He would have a smile wrinkle by the day after if he kept going on like this. It would be the first wrinkle he truly appreciated.

He was going to have a real relationship with Alicia. He didn't plan to waste it.

He may smile, and smile, and be a happy man.**

*This is taken from Shakespeare's "Henry the Fifth".

**The skeleton of this sentence comes from Hamlet saying "That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain."

**A/N: So here it is. I hope I wrote this Will/Alicia reunion well. Let me know if you liked it enough to want to read Alicia's POV of this exact scene.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Ok, so I wasn't expecting all this interest in reading the reaction chapters that I had planned to skip with a flash-forward. Since practically all of you asked for them, I changed my plan and went back to that night. For those of you who are still interested, here are Alicia and Kalinda's POVs that night. **

One of her earlier memories was of her first school-trip. Just two days and one night spent in the wilderness to "connect with nature". She didn't remember what truly happened on the trip or which classmate had bothered her in that occasion.

She remembered vivid sensations.

The sense of loss at being with almost-unfamiliar faces in an unfamiliar place. Most of all, she could never forget the feeling of getting hugged by her dad when she came off the bus. He wasn't crowding the schoolchildren. He was standing a little secluded but well within her eye-range. She had spotted him and ran without even saying goodbye to the others. Daddy had taken her in his arms and twirled around a bit. Then, hand in hand they had moved away.

Once the lusty charge she had experienced has subsided, once in her car, the recollection had surfaced among her chaotic thoughts. She was at times surprised about the connections her brain made but this time it made perfect sense. It was that emotion of a child that this night relived in her. When her dad had made contact with her petite frame a sense of belonging, safety, protection, home had enveloped her and it had felt blissful.

On the ride to Will's she had been ecstatic but also a touch afraid of his reaction. He could have rejected her for a thousand reasons and he would probably have been right in doing so. But then, looking at him she had felt silly at ever doubting him. Will's love was in a lot of ways like his father's, absolute, without conditions, a constant, safe haven she could always find refuge in. And at the same time it was completely different because it made her feel more alive than anyone else in the world. Every minute not spent listening to his jokes, at the receiving end of his touch, or under his gaze felt somehow ill-consumed.

Now she didn't have to worry about it anymore. Will was hers. Would be hers. The complications would be resolved, and all the conflicting thoughts she had entertained would fade away, replaced by the rightness of being with Will. Before all of that she had to think about what to say to Peter, how to handle the divorce, the messy media, the kids. She so wished she could avoid her present and jump to the future she craved.

Her cell beeped. A new message from Will. She took her hand off the wheel and read it.

"Thank you. You won't regret it. Love you immensely. Will"

She smiled. Yep, that future with him was definitely worth whatever she had to endure in the future days.

She had half a mind of turning immediately back and ravish him thoroughly. She decided not to. As hard as it had been leaving him, it would be twice as hard if she had let him pleasure her.

In any case he deserved an answer. She found a place to stop the car and wrote:

"I know I won't. Sorry it took me so long to realize it. Can't wait to see you tomorrow. Love you. Alicia"

Her cell beeped again, almost immediately.

"You never have to say sorry again :). Goodnight and thank Zach and Grace for me."

Gosh, Will and his way of talking even by text-message. Never too pathetic but always able to choose precisely the right words to free her from bad thoughts. He had also remembered Zach and Grace and their role. Could he be any more perfect?

"Will do. Goodnight Will and I know you don't want to hear it again but know that I will always be thankful. For everything."

"And I will always be thankful for you coming to me tonight. Drive safe."

"Drive safe", such a simple and yet so caring expression. Will spoiled her with his mindfulness of everything that concerned her without ever being annoying or intrusive. He didn't treat her like porcelain but he knew when she was broken and needed mending or an encouraging word.

She started the car again and at night arrived smoothly at her house. She tiptoed in but her children were both waiting for her on the couch.

"You should be asleep."

"We wanted to know" they chorused.

But before she could actually say anything she had been enveloped on both sides.

"We are happy for you, Mom" Zach said.

"How did you..."

"Oh, come on, Mom. It's written all over your face. You are radiant. I can be sure now that we did was the right thing. And I promise that next time I won't be such a bitch to Will."

"Grace..."

"Come on, Mom, you know it's true."

Then she started laughing at the situation and her children joined in. Then the trio stopped, all in synchronicity.

"When are you going to tell Dad?"

"Soon. I don't want you to lie to your father but he deserves to hear it from me."

"It's going to come as a surprise to him, as it was for me. If Zach hadn't pointed it out..."

"I know."

Her eyes went automatically downward before she could continue.

"I'm sorry for the pain that I am going to cause him. He is such a good man."

"And you are a good woman, mom. You're just not right for each other anymore. He can move on too."

"It seems tonight your mission is to make me burst with pride, isn't it?"

She squeezed both Zach and Grace in a huge hug and they both made their patented annoyed noises for when she was being too motherly.

"Goodnight, Zach, Grace."

"Goodnight Mom."

Before joining his sister, Zach asked her one last thing.

"Was he happy?"

An image of Will's eyes, finally shining with tears of joy came to her and she nodded.

"Very much so. Told me to thank you and your sister."

"Good, he deserves it. He's a good man too."

* * *

Once in her bedroom she took the phone and dialed the familiar number. Owen would probably be asleep but he would want to be awakened for this news.

"Sis, this better be good because me and Ryan Gosling were on the beach and..."

"Owen I can only imagine and I promise I'll let you go back to your imaginary margarita and imaginary man."

"Ouch, sis, that hurts. I think I'm going to hang up now."

"So you don't want to hear about my very real sultry-eyed man?"

"What, I'm completely awake now. What happened with you and Will? Did you have hot sex in his office while discussing a case?"

"We didn't have any hot sex..."

"Disappointing."

"Owen, let me finish the sentence, will you? I was saying we didn't have any hot sex yet."

"Yet?"

"Yet."

"Details, please."

"Tonight Will came over for dinner because Zach had invited him. He was his charming self and when he was gone Zach and Grace came over to tell me that I should be with him."

"I know they had my genes in there."

"Owen, be serious. It must have been so difficult for them."

"They won't suffer like us. And Will is unlike any of Mom's husbands. He is a great man."

"I know."

"One mention of him and I can hear your smile through the phone. You are so gone. Are you thinking about all the sex you owe him? Any kinky fantasy?"

"Owen! I won't go on with the story."

"Fine, be boring."

"So I went to Will's and told him I was ready to be with him."

"I'm so proud of you, sis. Finally joining the selfish side of the family! I bet he offered to be your sex-slave for the eternity! Do you think I could borrow him from time to time?"

"No, because you said I was selfish. Do you really mean it?"

It was the first moment from the beginning of the conversation in which her voice and her mind were tainted with self-doubt. Was she comparable to her mother? Was she thinking too much about herself?

"Alicia, please. You know I'm joking. Your own children were able to see how miserable you were trying to control what you feel for Will. You'll have the Cheshire grin all the time now and they will enjoy having a much more relaxed mom. Now that I think about it, even in your supposed selfishness you benefit the others. That's a talent."

"That's not true."

It wasn't. Even if her children ended up completely accepting the situation Peter would be truly hurt. She still loved him enough to be horrified at the only thought of destroying his family.

"You're thinking about your husband, aren't you?"

"In rare times you can be quite perceptive."

"Look, I won't say that he deserves it because that's not how you work. But just think how much you have hurt the sultry-eyed man and still survived. It won't be worse with Peter."

That was partly true. She had tormented Will for years and still managed to keep living but Peter was different. Not only he was the father of her children. He was also extremely combative. If she asked for a divorce he wouldn't just say a dejected "ok, then" like Will would and acquiesce to what she wanted. He would fight tooth and nails to keep her, to get her back. It would not be an easy conversation. It probably wouldn't even be over in a conversation.

"I hope you're right, Owen."

"I know I am. Even if with Peter it turns out to be difficult, you'll have Will beside you. You have wanted him for so long, sis. Just try to enjoy it."

The idea of Will helping her through the ordeal she would have to face was extremely comforting.

"Thanks, I needed to hear that."

"I am on your side. So is Mom, however much help that could be. Your children are on your side. One sexy, well-dressed, powerful and hot attorney is on your side."

"One more comment about Will and I might start to think that you truly have a crush on him."

"I have. If he weren't desperately in love with you, you'd have a fight on your hands."

She smiled. Her brother's silly chit-chat could ease many of her burdens. He reminded her that it wasn't wrong to have fun in life, that maybe it should be a primary goal.

"I'm so happy for you, sis. You more than anyone else deserve a man like that to worship at your feet, maybe wearing a tie and nothing else."

"Take your mind out of the gutter, Owen. Will is mine. And thanks for being so supportive."

"Anytime, I can't wait to meet him officially and make him squirm."

"Ok, enough. Goodnight Owen."

"Goodnight lucky, lucky sis."

She ended the conversation with a huge grin on her face. She knew Owen would be accepting but for him to be so casual about it, so convinced that it was the right path filled her with a sense of purpose. Would others take it as the next natural step as he had done?

She wanted to call Kalinda. She needed to have her take on it, her opinion. She was ready to get her friend back. That night she felt ready to completely turn the page, to forget the past that had hurt her so much and move forward with a new take on life.

She took her phone before changing her mind and typed a message.

"Can you meet me tomorrow morning for breakfast? It's important."

She would have to rob Will of the pleasure of talking to her but she was sure he wouldn't mind too much. For some reason this felt like a one-to-one conversation.

"What's wrong? Do you need me to come now?"

Yes, the prospect of having a glass of wine with Kalinda to prolong this perfect day was heavenly but her children were sleeping and she didn't truly want to disturb Kalinda too much. While pondering on how to answer a new message arrived.

"Don't bother. I'm on my way".

Well, if she was on her way she wouldn't refuse her offer.

"I'll open a bottle of wine."

* * *

When Alicia opened the door she didn't truly know what to expect. If work called she never asked for a breakfast meeting. Indeed, she never recalled them ever having a breakfast meeting. It felt personal, friendly.

"Here I am, what's up?"

She used her usual greeting to mask that she was fumbling her way into whatever this was.

"Come on, let's go to my bedroom, I don't want to wake the kids."

She followed Alicia in the dark house and she found that on the two bedside tables there were two glasses full of red wine. She had maintained her promise and it immediately brought to her mind the quiet night in Minnesota in which she had apologized and revealed that she sorely missed Alicia's friendship.

"Reminds you a lit bit of Minnesota, doesn't it?"

So Alicia's thoughts were at least on the same wavelength as hers. Good.

"Please..."

She found her place on the double bed and took a sip of chilled wine. If she were any other woman she would probably obsess about occupying Peter's place. At the moment instead she was only reminded of the absurd pain that one night-stand had caused in its wake.

"You said you were sorry back then and that you missed us. I never said I missed us too."

Kalinda hated being overpowered by strong emotions but Alicia seemed to be a pro in eliciting those from her. It felt indescribably nice to hear that she had been missed by the one woman she had considered a true friend. As much as she tried to take any non-verbal cues from her, sometimes words meant more.

Alicia clearly wasn't finished and she didn't want to interrupt. Instead she kept drinking her wine, never breaking eye-contact.

"You said you were sorry. I know that, I've known that for a while and I think that now I am ready to put this whole thing to rest."

What was she saying? Had she forgiven her completely? Were they ready to recover a friendship with no tentative moves, just natural as it had felt since the beginning? No restraints this time. It had to be a two-way street. She had to open up a bit if she wanted Alicia back as a friend.

"While I was waiting for you I started entertaining this crazy idea that maybe I have to thank you and Andrew Wiley for telling me."

Now she had something to say.

"Thank me?"

"Yes, I know it's strange Kalinda but if I hadn't found out, me and Peter would have made up a lot sooner. I never would have ended up with Will and that period gave me a strength that I had thought lost forever."

"Have you told him that? He'd like to know."

In her mind echoed the similar words she had told to Will when he had been watching Alicia's interview. Would those two never learn to talk to each other?

"Not in so many words. But he will forgive me now that I have told him that I am in love with him."

Kalinda wasn't easily surprised. As a private investigator she had seen everything there was to see and more. As the wife of a dangerous husband she had learned to be on her guard and not to miss anything.

At that moment Kalinda was gobsmacked.

Alicia laughed in response. She must have shown her lack of preparedness for the news.

"I have never seen you look like that. Not with cadavers or murderers. Not even in front of a threat. Is it so shocking?"

She tried to return to her normal tone.

"Yep, it is."

"I can't blame you. I still truly can't believe it happened."

"It happened tonight? That's why you called?"

At her nod masked a bit by her glass, she couldn't contain her smile. Alicia had felt the need to call her in the middle of the night to talk about Will. As high-schoolish as it sounded she couldn't sneer at her behavior, not when it meant that Alicia trusted her enough to want her to know this huge piece of news. Not when it meant that she could finally stop being on pins and needles around her.

"How?"

"My children told me to. And as a good mother I couldn't refuse them."

"Your children?"

They were much smarter than she had given them credit for if that was true.

"Yes, Zach watched me during the Del Mar trial and convinced his sister. And Will was moving on with Laura. It felt like a now or never situation."

"And you chose now?"

Her sheepish smile revealed the answer before she could open her mouth.

"And I chose now."

She was genuinely thrilled for the two of them. For Alicia that had stopped denying herself and for Will whom she had witnessed nursing an unrequited love for way too long.

"I can't wait to see him tomorrow. He will look as a lottery-winner. I will happen to stumble into his office way more than normal just to tease him about it."

"Tease him how much you want. I don't think he'll mind."

"No, I don't think so either."

Her lips curled up again at the imagine of Will finally getting what he deserved. He would endure all the merciless jokes and be happy about it.

"Who else knows?"

"Just my children and my brother. We have to keep it quiet until the elections. Peter is about to lose me. I don't want him to lose the governorship."

Alicia was talking but she couldn't move forward from the group of people that she had been included in. Her children, her brother. Her family. It didn't seem such a frightening word when she considered Alicia, Will, Cary. She should volunteer something of her own. To sway the conversation from Peter and because she astonishingly found she wanted to.

"I have slept with Cary."

She blurted it out, crude, before losing her courage. She could walk in extremely dangerous situations fearlessly but confiding in another human being required all her bravery.

"What? When?"

"Last week."

"And?"

"And I don't think I want it to be a one-time thing."

She hadn't truly admitted this truth even to herself. But Cary was unique in his approach to her and maybe, maybe she could truly fall for him.

"That's great news, Kalinda. I have always thought that the two of you would work well together."

"Let's not get carried away, shall we?"

She laughed and seemed shocked as if she had just had an epiphany on the meaning of life.

"What?"

"He's your Will."

"I am thinking your daughter might be right about your drinking too much wine."

"Think about it. He has never had any serious relationship in the 4 years I have known him and he could easily have. He has been waiting for you. He is handsome, smart, charming, funny, and he understands you better than most. Better than me, probably. And he is damaged enough not to be too cheerful. He is your Will."

She had never thought about it that way. What Alicia was saying was probably true. But she couldn't possibly take Cary in her dark places. She couldn't corrupt him with her ways. She didn't deserve him.

"I can almost hear you thinking, Kalinda. So maybe you don't deserve him and maybe I don't deserve Will but when in our line of work do people ever get what they deserve? We should give them a little faith and trust that they know what they want."

She had to fight to force her tears back. How had she missed Alicia and her uncanny ability of getting into her head and knowing what she needed to hear.

"I promise I'll think about it."

"Good, that'll give me the chance to be your Kalinda."

"My Kalinda?"

"Yes, as you have been a supporter of me and Will since the beginning I'll support you and Cary. I'll bring around to my way of thinking. Being selfish can feel so good."

She knew that. Giving up with Cary had led to one of the few nights in her life she didn't want to forget. And the perspective of more Cary, Alicia and Will in her life was not unpleasant at all.

"But no double-dates."

"No double-dates. We would need way too many bottles of wine to get through one of those."

They laughed together and for a while she forgot that she was Kalinda the inscrutable and her Alicia the good wife. They were friends.

"Ok, I better go. Or tomorrow you won't come to work and Will will blame it all on me."

"Thanks, for coming, for everything. I am so glad to have you back."

"Alicia, please, you know I don't cry, right?"

Except when she lost her dearest friend, in the elevator of all places. But she didn't need to know that.

Then she added, almost in a whisper:

"I will be glad for that text more than I will ever say."

"See you tomorrow, Kalinda."

"See you."

In a night she had discovered that Will and Alicia had gotten together, she had maybe been more honest about Cary than she had ever been and she had kind of acknowledged that she could fall for him.

Most of all, that night, she had gotten her friend back.

**A/N: I have to apologize to all the wonderful writers in this fandom that know how to write that incredible character that is Kalinda. I tried my best :)**

**Next up, Diane for sure. While I think you'll have to wait at least Chapter 16 for Peter because getting into his head is proving quite difficult and once I am in there I want him and Alicia to have the conversation that they should have had for a long time. **


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: This chapter was almost done. It needed just a last re-read. That's why I could dedicate a bit of time to the one-shot yesterday. The Will you'll see here is much different than that one. No angsty Will in this fiction anymore. Let's see how you like an almost giggling one. I might be biased but I love him :). When I started this fiction I thought I would only write Will's POV, Alicia's at most. Instead here I'm introducing POV number 7, Diane. I hope I was able to do her justice. I love her and she deserves the best writing. Do let me know if you agree with her reaction and with my characterization. It seemed coherent with the last events on the show and with the Diane we have learned to know and adore. **

He had woken up early, eager to start the day. He had showered and indulged in whether or not it was prudent to call her and ask her to come at his place in which they could have a bit of undisturbed fun before the flurry of the day.

He had decided against it.

Zach and Grace had just been told that their mother was divorcing their father. They didn't need the pushy new boyfriend to steal their mom at the crack of dawn.

He would not deny himself the pleasure of sending her a text. He was her boyfriend now, such an inadequate word that was, and pushing that button on the phone would not be considered inappropriate.

Nevertheless, he hesitated.

Was he crowding her? He had seen a few hours prior and it seemed like a lifetime. But Alicia expected an adult, not an high-schooler that could not handle his first crush.

But his finger brushed again on the keyboard and before he could rationally convince himself that it was boyish and lame, he had already hit "Send".

Feeling restless and waiting for her answer, that would not come for a while, since normal people were still sleeping, he dressed and went to the deserted office. He passed in front of her office, felt her close and continued towards his where he proceeded to throw himself on his armchair.

Pondering, as always, but this time with a small smile because although it was still their (Zach and Grace had effortlessly been included in the possessive adjective) little secret, that day they would probably tell Diane and it would make it all real.

15+ years after it should have happened but it was finally becoming real.

A sound of heels startled him. He turned his head and made to get up, ready to greet her with a proper kiss since the office was still dead but he found instead his favorite investigator, sporting that look of hers that meant that she was fishing for information.

"Not the heels you were expecting? Sorry to disappoint."

Kalinda could always put him on his guard with a few words.

"I wasn't expecting anyone. I was just about to start working."

"Why don't you fire me if you think that I can so easily be fooled?"

He smiled, inadvertently.

He wanted to tell her, to share the news with the one woman that had always pushed him to Alicia but he couldn't. He didn't know if Alicia wanted to tell her herself, if she wanted to wait after everything had been settled with Peter.

"No need to worry. I already know."

How could she possibly have found out in such a short time? She had to be bluffing.

"Know what? There is nothing to know."

"Riiiight. So I have to conclude Alicia was kidding yesterday when she told me about you two."

"She told you?"

That surprised him but elation immediately overcame any trace of it. Alicia had already told someone. Not any someone. Kalinda. She had made it real and he had to fight the gigantic smile that was threatening to erupt.

"Are you about to giggle?" she asked, disgusted as the idea came to her mind.

No, of course not. At most laugh. Grown-up people did not giggle.

"That's it. I have to resign. How can I be intimidating when I have a giggling boss?"

He was about to retort when he glimpsed a minimal movement upward of her lips. As close as a smile as he was ever going to get from Kalinda. She was on their side. Maybe he wanted to giggle after all.

"You're an original, K. You should accept that you have an original boss."

He gave her an earnest grin.

"You know how good I am at finding evidence. I can be just as good at destroying it, should the case arise."

Overprotective Kalinda would have been much more scarier than any of the big brothers or fathers he had ever come across. Would have if he had any capability of hurting Alicia. But he hadn't, would never have it. So it made him smile a bit more instead of cowering in fear.

"I wouldn't want it any other way."

"Good."

She was retracing her steps but she stopped on the threshold of his office.

"I am glad thing turned out this way. Let me know how the "something more than work" works out. I might want to try it myself one day."

"Really? Color me impressed."

He added before letting her go:

"And Kalinda, thanks."

"I have both your backs, Will. I always will."

Then she left him with a sense of peace. For once, his day had started on the right footing.

* * *

He was buried deep in a brief when he perceived that she was in his office. He raised his eyes and gazed at her unashamedly. Her gray suit was tailored perfectly and he wanted nothing more to unwrap her and let her do the same to him. Instead, catching a look at the now-populated bullpen he remained seated, not trusting himself not to give them away with a simple gesture.

"This is going to be so difficult, isn't it?"

"Yep. I came in crazy early but you weren't here."

"The thought crossed my mind, especially after that message, but then the kids..."

She looked apologetic but she did not need to be. He had acted on exactly the same impulse. He would never blame her for caring for her children.

"Alicia, why do you think I didn't ask you to come, or knock at your door? It's how it's supposed to be. I can wait."

She seemed reassured and gave her a loving look.

"Can you? I could barely sleep."

"Yeah, well, I'm clearly the one with more restraint between us. I have had practice."

He realized that the words could be taken as a light accuse too late. Why did he always put his foot in his mouth when things between them were going smoothly?

"Alicia, I didn't mean..."

"Will, it's fine. We always forget how well we know each other. You didn't expect me to ditch my kids this morning and I understood that you were trying to weigh on me with that sentence. Let's stop apologizing too much and see where it takes us, shall we?"

"Yes, we shall."

He ate the "I'm sorry" that reflexively he had wanted to add.

She had sat on one of her chairs. The desk between them was enough a barrier for now to not elicit unseemly behavior.

"So this morning I have been threatened on your behalf."

"You should take it seriously. Kalinda does not joke around."

"I know. Nevertheless, I have nothing to fear."

They both smiled in understanding. It was so effortless between them if they let it be.

"I'm sorry I didn't wait for you to tell her. It's just, last night I was so..."

He smirked, anticipating the word "excited" or "impatient" or whatever other synonym her mind could concoct.

"I see, another useless sorry. You are not mad at all, you love the fact that I had to spill the beans."

He absolutely did. It made him giddy. Kalinda had been right. He was highly at risk of giggling. Or maybe of bursting into song or to start walking with a jaunt in his step.

"I love you, Alicia. Everything else is just a consequence."

Too sappy for day two. Way too sappy. He was starting to get embarrassed when she answered.

"I love you, Will. Everything else is just a consequence."

Gosh, how he craved to kiss her. He forced himself to think about anything else. The brief, the playoff game. Luckily, she continued.

"We should tell Diane today."

No, Alicia, that was definitely NOT the way to get his mind out of the gutter. Hadn't she already seen what her eagerness to make them official did to him?

"Do you think we should go together?"

That was a question worth reflecting on. His first instinct was to say "yes". Diane would criticize much less if Alicia was there but that was a coward move. He owed to her the chance to answer plainly, and he could avoid Alicia any unnecessary unpleasantness.

"Thanks for offering but I think it should be me. She would want to talk to you later, but it should come from me."

"Ok, then. I'll be in my office if you want to talk."

"Are we ever going to work again?"

"I don't think so. Good thing that we are partners."

She smiled again and left the room while he started preparing his speech for Diane.

* * *

The words of the Chief Justice kept churning in her head. "Your partner is a scoundrel, to be spurned and not embraced". It had sounded a whole lot like an ultimatum.

Will or the Supreme Court of Illinois.

Diane had known the feminist drill all her life. She had learned it from her mother, her aunt and her grandmother, all three strong activists in the fight for equality. And yet, so many lessons were learned and promptly forgotten. Her political ideas, her feminism had remained steadfast. Because it was more than just the words and the protests and the marches.

It was the sneer of her high-school committee when she had turned in her candidacy for Student President.

It was the laugh of her law-school Professor when she had applied for the place as research-assistant.

It was the "sugar, I'll offer you a drink to forget your loss" pronounced by her opposing counsel, the first time she had first-chaired a case. She had almost seen him choke on his drink when she had been the one to offer to celebrate her victory.

It was the being promoted partner because Stern needed a patsy to contrast the sexual-harassment suit. When she had spoken to Alicia, she had said that one didn't ask why the door was opened. But it was untrue. She had asked and she had struggled with the answer. Was it ok to grab the offered opportunity if it gave her the chance to show her worth? Or did she have to refuse and earn it on her own merit? Complex questions that even a third-generation feminist had trouble answering.

They had all been wrong in undervaluing her and she had made her way but the struggles had left a perennial mark on her. She refused to accept that life as a woman had to be harder and every baby girl had to be condemned to the same continuous fight.

Now all she wanted was in her reach. She could be the woman that would break the male-dominance on the court.* With her in that luscious seat, there would be 4 women judges over 7. A breakthrough. With these odds the chance of electing a female Chief Justice, once Judge Ryvlan's term was over, were excellent.

She could be doing the job of her dreams, being with the man she loved and add a crack to that glass ceiling all in a single swoop.

But.

There was always a but.

The one man that had seen in her a great partner, not a woman looking for her identity. Will who hadn't tried to persuade her to stay at the firm and refuse the Supreme Court. Will who had, through thick and thin, had her back. Was she supposed to throw him off the cliff for a mistake he had made years before? A mistake he had paid for and was, at the end of it all, inconsequential.

Every lawyer knew how to make ruthless decisions. Morality at times was irrelevant. Her own father had sacrificed his best friend for his gain. Ruthless decisions were in her DNA.

And yet, she wasn't her father. Kurt was right. She had modeled her life on the aspects she admired about him, not his hidden hypocrisy. So she hesitated for rationality's sake even if she knew that she could never throw Will under the bus like that. Not after everything they had been through together.

The man in question was entering her office, looking mightily nervous. Other problems to take care of. Would they ever stop?

"Will, please tell me there isn't some big emergency or, worse than that, a David Lee problem."

He smirked and shook his head.

"No, no David Lee. But I wanted to talk to you."

"Sure, what about?"

"I told you I was dating the A.S.A., right?"

"Yes."

Where was this going? Her and Will had never discussed their love lives in detail.

"I'm not anymore."

She was sorry for him. Her relationship with Kurt had given her a new lease on love, a positivity on what concerned human contacts. He didn't seem sorry at all. On the contrary, underneath the nervousness, he looked almost jubilant. That couldn't be for breaking it off with Miss Hellinger. It had to be for the reason they ended things. Was there another woman? Why was he telling her this?

Then she put two and two together and realized there was only one possible answer that would make sense in this situation.

Alicia.

She was confused. She knew about political marriages and the Florricks' appeared less and less like one.

"You and Alicia have started up again, haven't you?"

"Yes. I know what are your thoughts on the matter. But I'm technically not her boss anymore and I'm so tired of being stuck in meaningless relationships when she is the one I want."

Her head was running wild with possibilities. Was the Chief Justice's warning Peter's revenge? Will could have his wife but his career needed to be ruined?

"Does he know?"

"Who?"

"Peter. Does he know about you and Alicia?"

He was perplexed.

"No, Alicia hasn't told him yet. Why?"

"Are you sure? He doesn't suspect anything?"

"Yes, of course I'm sure. I talked with her two minutes ago. Why?"

Will was too convinced to be lying and it wouldn't be logical for Alicia to lie either. It had to be a coincidence. Now that the connection had severed she could focus on what Will had shared.

She should be furious. She should be an hypocrite like her father and scold him on prioritizing love over their firm. She should be but she wasn't.

In the same office a few days before, she had declared:

"I worry we will always be waiting."

And she had chosen not to. She couldn't condemn Will for making the same choice. In a way, it was sweet that the partners had similar paths, at least in their private life.

She smiled and that shocked Will more than anything else.

"I am happy for you, Will. You have never truly stopped wanting her. And I'm happy for her too. If there is a man that would not make her feel guilty for the passion she puts in her job that's you. For a woman, it means so much."

He grinned but seemed still uncertain.

"Thanks, Diane. But why the sudden change?"

"I'm marrying Kurt."

"That's unexpected."

"I got tired of waiting."

"Well, then. Congratulations. I see a life of political fights and make-ups of other type for you two."

"Thanks, Will. I appreciate it."

"And Alicia will make sure that this does not affect your nomination."

"How do you know?"

"I asked her to and she immediately agreed. There would not be anyone who could make a better Supreme Court Judge. We might want to take Supreme Court arguing just to see how you act in practice."

Will, faced with being with the woman he had wanted forever had thought about how this would affect her and her position. She had not been wrong about him. She would repay him with the same coin. Justice Ryvlan hadn't observed her at all if he believed that she would sacrifice her partner for her ambition.

"Ok, then. A much shorter conversation than I had expected. Thanks, Diane."

"We both deserve some happiness, Will. It's our time."

He left, mightily satisfied at the outcome of the conversation.

After all, she was Diane Lockhart, third-generation feminist, and she had enough force to be a name partner in a booming law-firm and be with a Republican.

No more compromises. She would get the job, keep the man and the best friend.

There were plenty of drinks to choke on for whoever underestimated her.

*This is true for the actual Supreme Court of Illinois. Let's say it holds also in the fictional one.

**A/N: So here it is. I thought I could be able to have Peter and Alicia's confrontation next chapter but instead I think I want to write Alicia/Laura part two first. Given that I want the scene with Peter and Alicia to have a complete chapter, you'll have to wait a little bit more. In the meantime, in the next chapter you'll be discovering what Will is going to be doing while Alicia goes head-to-head with Peter and if you like the idea, I'll write that too. **


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Late but here it is. I might be biased but I love the Will/Alicia scene at the end. Maybe it's just because after writing angst, it felt good to be back writing them in my happy place. **

Being threatened was never a particularly edifying experience.

Being threatened by Diane Lockhart, who had recently acquired a firearm-expert fiancé, should have been utterly ghoulish.

Instead, while she had found it tiring, it had restored a faith in her for the relationships between human beings even in a cutthroat world as theirs certainly was.

Just as Will had been worried about Diane's seat at the Supreme Court, Diane had been worried about not being there to pick up the pieces when she destroyed Will.

She had tried to assuage her fears. Diane knew a decisive woman when she met one and she recognized in Alicia a kindred spirit in this sense. Diane had decided to marry Kurt and had stuck with it even when it had represented an obstacle to her nomination. Similarly, Alicia had now finally chosen Will and she wasn't about to destroy her renewed happiness.

That did not mean that she was prepared to talk with the woman that was now approaching her office.

When Will had declined lunch because he needed to talk to Laura, she had been reminded that he knew nothing of the conversation between the current and the soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend. He didn't imagine that Laura would immediately suspect a connection between the break-up and Alicia.

She could have asked him to postpone that particular conversation. She could have explained her motives and he would have understood. He was Will, after all.

But the idea of mentioning this course of action to him was unbearable. He would have understood but nothing would have kept him from second-guessing and worrying about her feelings.

She still believed that she had something to prove to him in that regard. Not to mention that to avoid the split he would have to "participate" in the relationship.

That was most certainly out of the question.

"Do you want to tell me what's really going on?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I thought we were done with pretenses. Will broke up with me. He is such a smooth talker. But see, as much as he was sad for what he was doing to me, there was a cat-that-ate-the-canary grin ready to burst. So are you together now? Don't you think he deserves more than an illicit affair whenever you find it convenient?"

She got up and hissed at her to lower her voice.

"Look, Alicia. You have done a lot for me. So I'm not going to tell your husband anything. But I need to know the truth. It is the only way to put this behind me."

Could she be trusted? For a day or so maybe. She would have to anticipate her talk with Peter.

"Fine, yes Will and I are together now. I'm leaving my husband for him."

She did not see that coming. She seemed utterly surprised.

"So you gave him his ultimate dream? Why now?"

"Will and me, we are complicated. But I couldn't pretend anymore not to love him."

"So it had nothing to do with the fact that I was taking him away?"

"Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. What does it matter?"

"Don't you think he should know that?"

"He knows everything."

At this retort, she almost could visualize the fighting spirit leaving Laura. She was conceding.

"I'm not going to get him back, am I?"

"I'm sorry, Laura, that you had to get caught up in this, but no, you're really not."

Of that she was certain. Will wasn't going anywhere.

"He is a great man, Alicia. What's your secret? How do you keep flocks of great men coming to you?"

Her tone was bitter, harsh.

"I don't know what to tell you. I have wondered that myself, at times."

"There is nothing more to add, is there?"

"No, I'm sorry."

"Bye Alicia. Not that you care but our kind of friendship ends here."

"I know. Believe it or not, I didn't want for you to get caught up in this mess, Laura."

She left and while she moved away a pang of loss hit her. Then she noticed Kalinda overlooking the exchange and smiled.

Now that her best-friend was back and she had Will, she could easily afford losing Laura.

* * *

"Mr Gardner, we'll never thank you enough for what you did for me."

"Mr Del Mar, you're a doctor, I'm sure you know that I was just doing my job."

"And you did it brilliantly" Nisa added.

"Do you need a ride home? We would be happy to drive you."

"No, we'll drive him. No worries."

The alacrity with which Zach had answered Mr Del Mar surprised him a bit and made him want to smile.

They said their goodnights and then moved towards Alicia's car. Zach left him the seat in front and moved to the back. Once all doors had been closed he interrupted the peaceful silence they had created.

"Mom said that she is telling Dad tomorrow night. So why don't you come and show us the famous pot-roast? We can judge for ourselves if you're a liar about your abilities as a cook."

Things were definitely moving fast and he found that, while panicked at the idea of spending time with her children without her as a buffer, the speed suited him just fine.

But he had to make sure that it wasn't just the eager teenager trying to forget what his mother was doing in those hours. He turned to Alicia for permission and Zach intercepted his gesture.

"You are so whipped. You don't have to ask Mom."

Zach had to have inherited from his mom the Will-Reading gene. He couldn't be so transparent to anyone, could he?

"It's just, I'm not sure your sister would be comfortable having me there."

He had seen how trapped Grace had appeared at the other dinner. To have her endure another one, so soon after the first, it seemed unnecessary torture. To do it on the night her mother was asking her father for a divorce was downright cruel. So he would not presume that she had consented.

"You can come up with us and ask her yourself."

Coming from Alicia this was an huge sign of approval. He breathed and had to remind himself that this conversation in the car wasn't a figment of his imagination.

"So if my sister says yes, and she will, are you in?"

"You know, Zach, I think he overhyped his pot-roast too much and is now afraid to let you taste the real thing."

He tried his best to look outraged when what he truly wanted was to just laugh at his change of fortune in 24 hours.

"I'm more than capable to deliver. Zach and Grace's taste-buds will be as delighted as his ears have been my flawless rhetoric."

Zach laughed and his next sentence, although pronounced in a very casual manner, would have brought tears to his eyes, had Will been an easy crier.

"You're a very fun man to be around, Will."

The feeling of being more and more welcomed inside Alicia's family was getting harder to ignore. He had never been a family-man and yet it hadn't taken long for him to feel like one, to want to spend time with Zach and Grace, to look forward to cook a pot-roast even if Alicia wouldn't be there.

They arrived at her house and she naturally expected him to go upstairs. Right, Grace. Zach was busy with his cell-phone which meant he could commit a picture of his mother to memory so that he could revisit it during the night.

When Alicia opened the door, Grace came immediately.

"How did dinner go?"

"Fine, were you all right at the neighbor's?"

"Yes, everything was fine. Hi Will."

She greeted when she noticed him. Her voice had assumed a whole different warmth that the day before and he wondered if such a change was truly possible or if she was putting all of her effort in appearing on board with the development in her mother's life.

"Grace, Will wanted to ask you something."

The girl looked at him expectantly and he took the courage to talk.

"Your brother asked me to come and cook my pot-roast tomorrow night, would that be ok?"

He obsessed over the wording. Should he have said "would that bother you?". That indicated for sure a lower level of forbearance. Before his mental-trip could go too far, Grace had already answered.

"Sure, we also have to test your Wii skills."

"My Wii skills?"

Her brother confirmed that Grace hadn't misspoken.

"You said you were good at sports but we're nerdy kids, we don't do real sports, only virtual ones. So if you want to prove you weren't boasting, you'll have to accept a Wii challenge. Do you think you're ready to do that?"

"I play actual sports. I can't be afraid of a remote control, right?"

The two kids laughed with an air of pity at his naïveté and then moved towards their bedrooms.

"See you tomorrow, Will. Goodnight."

"Night."

And then they were alone. He had to say something before she made him forget everything.

"I know you know that already but you have done an amazing job with Zach and Grace. They are amazing."

"Thanks. I'm so proud of them but you make it very easy."

His next words died on her lips since she had apparently made sure with her scoping eyes than the kids were safely tucked away. He, of course, didn't argue with her course of action and let himself go.

He had to replay their kisses over and over just to get through the day and now that she was finally within his arms again and he was free to act like the sickeningly-in-love boyfriend he was, the thought of the dinner wouldn't abandon him.

"Is there any topic I should avoid with them?"

"Seriously, Will? I have waited practically an entire day to do this and you want to talk about the dinner?"

Her words oozed frustration but her eyes were appreciative of his care for her children.

"I'm sorry. It's just that things are going so well and I don't want to screw them up."

She stopped the onslaught on his lips and neck but kept her arms intimately crossed on his back.

"Will, I understand the feeling perfectly. But relax, Zach and Grace are not like you have seen them with anyone. They like you. So just be yourself! Never in all the years that I have known you have said something deliberately offensive to me and you will be ever more careful with my children. And they will see and appreciate it. Just let yourself go."

She was running circles on his back and the combination of her soothing touch and of her reassuring words made for the best stress-reliever he had ever experienced.

Maybe second-best, he silently added while one of her hands moved her ministrations to his front.

"Just don't tell them too many embarrassing stories from law-school. I'll never get to hear the end of it."

"So I can't use the Alien debacle as an ice-breaker?"

Her orbits enlarged and she uncommittedly tried to move from his grasp.

"Not if you want to keep doing this."

Then she kissed him again unhurriedly but her subsequent moan spurred him into action. He backed her on the kitchen counter and his right hand started a pleasurable path from her shoulders down while his left one curled a strand of her hair.

"Will, stop!"

"See, a few seconds with you and all sense of restraint is just gone."

"Well, then, it's a good thing I won't be there tomorrow."

Her expression darkened and he could not blame her for not looking forward to her talk with Peter.

He didn't want to pressure her into revealing what was going on in her head. Her relationship with her husband was hers and hers alone. At the same time he needed to show her that he would be as supportive as he could.

"I'll have your favorite red chilled for when you get back."

He had assumed he would wait for her at her home with her children. Too fast, Will. She might desire to have a conversation alone with Zach and Grace. Completely reasonable. He hurried to conclude the sentence.

"Or I could leave it in the fridge, you know."

"Have you forgotten already what we said this morning? I know what you meant Will and I appreciate it. On that note, I do expect you to be here with my chilled wine and you will have saved me a portion of the pot-roast and of whatever dessert you will have bought."

"I resent the implication. I'm perfectly capable of creating a dessert with my very talented hands."

"I'll stipulate that your hands are very talented..."

She blushed and he couldn't help but steal a brief kiss.

"But you're not a dessert cook. And depending on how much you will have tainted my image with Zach and Grace, I might decide to tell them about the gelato fiasco."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me."

Her flirtatious smirk, her gleeful eyes, her relaxed countenance. They all contributed to portray the figure of a very happy woman.

He was chiefly responsible for her mood and he hadn't even done anything in particular.

A silly moment of mutual loving teasing. He used to underestimate the importance of those.

No more.

Silly little moments put together created that "something more than work" than would finally fill the gap.

**A/N: I promised I'd let you choose whether or not I'll include the dinner. So what do you say? Do you want to read it after the Peter/Alicia chapter? **


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Thanks to the wonderful StrawberrySab for editing this chapter and making sure that I hadn't gotten Peter too wrong. Here it is, the talk they should have had more than once during these four years. **

The stress of the campaign was finally getting to him. The long hours, the countless speeches were just the price he was willing to pay to get to experience the adrenaline rush at hearing his name chanted by the crowd. A State's Attorney was a go-to figure for every crime-related issue. Now he had the chance to make a difference in a myriad of different fields. He could fight for all the gay-couples in Illinois. Owen would have to love him at that point. He could be the first Governor to have a majority of women in the Supreme Court. Together, and with Alicia's precious guidance, he would be able to reduce the gender wage-gap. And who knew what else?

He hoped the reward would be worth all the endless hours spent on the campaign bus.

Someone was knocking.

"Eli, you promised we were done for today."

"He maintained his promise. It's just me."

His wife entered in her glorious magnificence. Her body covered by a snug black dress and high heels that always made him lose his mind. She was probably here for another round of hot sex. There was no prospect better than that to close the exhausting day. Every time he was treated to her entrance he wondered what kind of relationship they had. He certainly wouldn't complain of this renewed physical contact but at times he felt that the emotional component was missing. Alicia seemed detached, their encounters just a way to relieve the tension. For him, they meant much more than that. They were the gateway to a real marriage. The one he had, the one he wanted to recover with the woman currently making his way towards him. He was so lost in his thoughts that he took a second or two more in placing her look.

This wasn't mischievous, turned on, Alicia. She was nervous, almost sweaty, a rare occurrence.

Something was most definitely wrong.

"Are the kids all right?"

"Yes, they're fine, Peter, don't worry."

What else could it be? She had the interview soon. That had to be it.

"Is this about the interview? You don't like Eli's talking points. Look they are just a suggestion, we know you are a pro. Anyway, sit down, we can go over them together and change what you want."

"No, Peter. The talking points are ok. I'll do the interview and I hope that it will work just like the last one."

"It will. You're amazing on camera. Journalists worship at your feet by the end of the interview."

She attempted a smile but it came more like a grimace. What was happening?

"Peter, we need to talk."

He had heard those words before from her. She had to tell him something about the kids, the house, Jackie, the campaign, Eli. Never had she used that tone before. Of finality.

"I want a divorce."

There they were, the four words he had dreaded for years. Anytime she had come to visit him in prison, anytime Amber Madison reappeared, any minute after she had found out about Kalinda he had expected those words and had been immensely relieved at not hearing them. But now? Now that they were having illicit sex romps on a bus like teenagers and she was spending more and more time with him? They came as a huge surprise.

Now they knocked the breath out of him.

"Why now?"

"It has been a long time coming. You know that. Let's not focus..."

"Why now?"

He repeated much more forcefully. He knew his wife to be a creature of reason, not of impulse. There had to have been some triggering event that had brought her to this.

"Look, Peter..."

She was blabbing some bull about realizing that it was time to end things but it wasn't enough. The wheels of his mind turned and they brought him immediately to the one place they always went when there was trouble with Alicia. There was only one man capable of stealing his wife. Will Gardner.

"What did Will say?"

"What?"

"Please, Alicia, spare me the naive face. What did Will say that made you change your mind?"

"Will didn't say anything, not now."

"But he did before, right? What happened?"

He was trying to understand the workings of her mind. She was probably trying to find words, to manipulate him like the lawyer she was, the one she had hidden but had always been.

"You're not getting out of this conversation unless you tell me what the hell did he say to make you want a divorce?"

To the normal observer, he would appear calm. In reality, he was seething, trying so hard not to lose his temper with Alicia. He demanded an answer. A straight one at that.

"It wasn't Will. It was me. He was moving on and I couldn't let him go."

Jealousy. Such a classic and yet relatable motive. The allure of a forbidden fruit. The original sin.

Will had wised up after all and he had found a woman that Alicia saw as threatening which had pushed her over the edge. Bravo, Mr. Gardner, Bravo!

But this wasn't a battle he was going to lose.

He too had craved the forbidden fruit. He had been taken in a whirlwind of power-lunches, politics and high-stakes. He had seen Amber, desired her, decided to have her just because he could. He knew the sensation of freedom in breaking all the rules, the high of being lusted after more than anyone else in the world.

No action was without reaction.

When he had discovered the punishment for his transgressions he had understood, immediately, clearly, that it hadn't been worth it. It hadn't been worth the pain on his children's face, his wife's tears, the murmurings at her mother's club, the glances of people all over the street. Nothing was worth it.

He would make Alicia see that.

In a second he was collected again, ready to attack her with straightforward logic, to make her unsay the words he had never wanted to hear.

"It wears off, you know?"

"What does?"

"The romance, the heat of the illicit, the jealousy, all of it. The desire for something out of your reach fades once you get used to it."

"Really, Peter. So it took you 18 times to get used to Amber?"

Yes! As long as she was accusing him, as long as she was still hurt, he could salvage this. Indifference was his worst enemy.

"So you see, it's back to us. You haven't truly forgiven me and you are scared to move forward. So you go back to your safe place."

She laughed in a sinister manner.

"You're patronizing, Peter, you know that? I used to think it was endearing, the way you could shape other people's thoughts. Your intelligence always putting you one step forward, your oratory and confidence powerful weapons to get everyone to agree with you. I don't anymore. It works as a charm when you're being a politician but I'm tired of that tone being used on me."

She wasn't breaking in tears. She wasn't faltering. If anything his words seemed to reinforce her certainty.

"So what? I'm supposed to end our marriage just because of a few words? Without even questioning whether you're doing it for the right reasons? Without warning you that you're making the same exact mistake I made?"

"See, Peter, if you think that sleeping with a hooker is the same as me being in love with Will you don't understand much at all."

Change of strategy. Anger was not working because she had a reserve maybe deeper than his own. For once, the politician did the one thing he had been instructed never to do. He told the truth.

"Fine, Alicia, what do you want me to say? That I'll let you go? I can't undo what I did 4 years ago. I can't go back in time. I would if I could. But it has taught me the value of our family, of what we have and breaking that, it hurts Alicia. I didn't have the right of feeling hurt after everything I had done but in prison, all that time, I wasn't just plotting my political Renaissance. I was astonished at how stupid I could have been in destroying everything that I had. And for what? I have always been in love with you, Alicia. You have to know that."

"Then what happened, Peter?"

She was crying again. Clearly the pain of that supreme break of trust had not disappeared.

"I wish I could explain. I wish there was something smarter to say than "I got caught up in the inebriation of power" or "it wasn't you, it was me", but those clichés are sadly the truest things I can say."

"Then you will have to be satisfied with a cliché in return. I fell in love with Will and I want a full relationship with him rather than half of one with you."

"Why half of one?"

"Because, Peter, you can't compel love."

"So you don't love me anymore?"

He had suspected that innumerable times over the years but as long as the words were unsaid he could hope in his being wrong.

"Of course I do. I love Jackie for all the help she has given us in these years and for her stubbornness that I can't help but admire. I love Eli for all the energy he has put in our success. For his genuine care and his particular way of being neurotic but sweet. And I love you, Peter, as an amazing man, as the best Governor Illinois could ever have, as the father of my children, as my husband of 20-years. You all will always be part of my family. But that's not enough, is it? Not for the rest of our lives."

What had she just told him? That he didn't matter more than Eli or Jackie?

"Do you remember our first date, Peter? I didn't know anything about basket or Michael Jordan and yet I wasn't angry for your choice of venue. I got to see you excited, almost feverish and that's a great look on you. And every time you took your eyes off the game to watch me I felt so stupidly special."

"So what? Now being with Will gives you the same googly-eyes? How can you not see that it's just because it's new and fresh and exciting? Do you want every date of your life to be a first date?"

"But it's not just that first date, Peter. When we scratched the bed even after over 15 years together, I had already faced marriage-fatigue but I was still so very in love with you."

"And now?"

"Now, I'm so very proud of your comeback, I respect what you're doing but those fluttering feelings are gone."

"Listen to you, fluttering. You speak like an adolescent. You are an adult, Alicia, and us, our marriage, it can work, if you're willing to work at it."

"What does that entail? Working at it?"

Did that mean that she was open to the idea?

"Everything you want. Counseling, date nights."

"Date nights. How are they different than the ones we have been having? With you talking strategy with Eli and getting my opinion on this or that stump speech."

"I can stop. The campaign is almost over and then I'll stop. We can talk about your cases, our children, the next hit movie at the cinema, whatever you want, Alicia."

"You never stop campaigning, Peter. There are the midterm elections and then the reelection bid or should we consider the U.S. Senate? What is a better springboard to hire a run for the U.S. Presidency? And I don't want you to stop for me, Peter. You thrive in crowded rooms and speeches about forlorn political issues. Why should you abandon your passion for me?"

"I am a lawyer, Alicia. Anything you want to talk about I won't just nod to make you believe I'm listening to you. And you have always liked to give me a hand in policy."

"And I can still do it if you want me to, but a marriage should be about more than that, or do you really want the next 40 years of our life spent in polite dialogues, stuck in a relationship that seems more and more like a chore?"

"What are you talking about? Spending time with you is never a chore, Alicia."

She couldn't possibly think that, could she?

"It doesn't much look like a chore when you come to the bus and start taking off your clothes, does it?"

He was getting more and more frustrated because Alicia was not budging. She exasperated him with her unwillingness to see his point of view.

"Peter, I don't want to make this uglier than it has to be."

"You want to divorce me, Alicia. It is bound to get ugly."

"Then we'll have to face it, won't we?"

It was dawning on him that this was it.

On a campaign bus, surveys and speeches drafts dispersed everywhere, he was losing his wife.

"Is there anything I can do to change your mind?"

She shook her head.

"What is so great about him? Is it just the fact the he hasn't cheated on you?"

"Have I ever asked the same question about Amber or Kalinda?"

"I wasn't leaving you for them and maybe you should have, a long time ago. Maybe we would be getting home together instead of being here certifying the end of our relationship. So yes, I want to know."

She took her time, maybe uncertain on whether or not she owed him a real answer.

"It's easy."

"What is? Starting again, without baggage?"

"I do have a lot of baggage with Will. Countless times that I have refused him to honor our vows."

"So he kept asking? Don't you see what kind of vile behavior is that?"

"Coming from you, Peter, really? The most ambitious and determinate man I know? And anyway you're wrong. We just kept orbiting towards each other."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that whenever I spend time with him, I never feel the need to leave."

"So stop spending time with him. Problem solved."

"Do you think that I haven't tried? That I haven't done anything in my power to force this feeling out of my life?"

"Leave the firm. You have received countless job offers during the years. We can even move to Springfield if you like, start again."

"I would never do that, Will helped me when I needed it the most."

"It's all borne from gratitude, then, don't you see?"

"No, Peter, please, don't let me go into details. They are only going to hurt you."

"Not good enough, Alicia. I want to hear them. If not starting again, what is so easy?"

"Being with Will. Ever since that damn CNBC breaking-news, we have played a part, Peter. We are tentative when it comes to each other. We don't know what buttons to push, we tiptoe around things. That's why I was talking about it being a chore, we do what we feel we have to, not what we want to."

"You're talking nonsense."

"Why did you ask me on a date? That time after sex?"

"I wanted to."

"Yes, but why, Peter? Was it because you genuinely wanted to spend time with me or because you felt that since we were having sex all the time we had to have dinner too?"

"We are going in circles, Alicia. It was never a duty."

"You want to know the truth? I can't tell the difference anymore. When I'm around you, I don't know if what I do is because it is my good wife role in autopilot or because it is something I desire."

"When you resort to philosophical thinking, it's because you don't have a clear-cut answer."

"Feelings are not clear-cut, Peter. That is precisely the problem. Not so long ago, Will asked me if I saw a future for us after the elections. I didn't have it in me to throw it all away so I rejected him. My final decision should have cleared all doubts. It didn't. I saw him every day but I missed him terribly."

"Have you discovered just now the old adage "Distance makes the heart grow fonder"? The same will happen with me."

"You're not hearing me."

She raised her voice and he responded in tone.

"You're not explaining yourself. You are the most brilliant lawyer I know and you can't seem to formulate a cogent argument for what is arguably the biggest decision of your life. What should that tell me?"

She seemed to lose all her restraints and started speaking frantically.

"He is the one I want to talk to when I'm bored or when I have a problem. Whenever I feel down, he is the one that can fix whatever is wrong with me. He knows me at times better than I ever understood. He can perceive my mood in seconds and adjust his behavior to improve it. We can work for hours side by side and I never get bored of having him around. If anything, I want to prolong the experience. I can drop all pretenses with him, say whatever is on my mind and never be afraid that he will judge me harshly or that he will think less of me. I trust him. You made it difficult for me to do it, but with Will it didn't even take any particular struggle. It just happened. Day in and day out he always finds ways to make me laugh. Uncontrollably, at times. My lust for him doesn't rest even at night."

He had asked for it but hearing all the reasons for which his wife was clearly in love with another man was nothing short of a tribulation.

He could see clearly now what had happened. After the scandal, Alicia had needed someone safe and Will had appeared in her life as an harmless friend. He had given her the companionship he could not provide, he had kept her spirits up in a dire moment of darkness in her life and when she had found out about Kalinda, he had been there to satisfy her cravings of feeling desired, appreciated, respected.

By the time he had made amends it had been too late. Alicia had been committed to her marriage but everyday she looked at the path not taken and every minimal mistake he made, Will became more and more attractive.

"Stop it."

"You wanted to hear my closing, now you'll let me finish. What about the kind of life I want, Peter? I am a lawyer. For a living, I teach people how to conform their truth to the one courts will accept. I fake being convinced of my thesis even when I know I'm wrong. Should I have to fake even at night? That bio-agriculture is indeed one of the issues I have always wanted to know more about or that the dress of the Senator's Wife is so elegant I had always desired to wear one just like it?"

"You could choose what events you go to."

"But the Governor has to go, and then countless nights spent either drinking to avoid dying of boredom or waiting for you to come back. It's not how I envision myself living the next 20/30 years."

"You could have asked me not to run."

"You would have resented me."

"You never complained during these months. No more than usual."

"So a baseline level of complaining is acceptable? You're right, I didn't make it very vocal because I was focused on us. Our life. Our future. Our path. Our success. It turns out that my life is more important than ours."

"Our life has never been just mine and yours. What about Zach and Grace? Why would you hurt them like this?"

"I told you that they came to me."

"They did it because they probably felt obligated. Zach was even grateful for Mr. Del Mar. I should have decided not to prosecute. Then he wouldn't have spent all that time with Will. As their mother, it's your job to protect them."

"4 years ago wasn't it your job to protect them?"

"See, we're always back to that point. I can't change what I did but you can change what you're doing now."

"I think that part of the lesson I want to teach them is that life is complicated. You can't expect all the decisions you make to be the right ones."

"You're saying that marrying me was the wrong decision? That you should have married Will all along?"

"I'm saying that trying to resuscitate our marriage when it was already dead was the wrong decision. Now I am here to change it. I will support you in this last leg of the campaign. I will give an interview that will make Eli cry and we can announce our intention to divorce whenever you feel it more convenient within your first year at Springfield. I don't want to hide forever. Maybe after Diane's confirmation."

"Diane's confirmation?"

"Yes. You're still appointing her, right?"

"Of course. I didn't choose her as a favor to you or Will. She will make a great judge and I think she's an amazing woman. That's all that matters."

"I knew you wouldn't be petty."

"Yeah, well it doesn't seem to be worth much to you."

"It means that I wasn't wrong about you. It's a lot."

"But it doesn't change what you want. Let me recapitulate: you want a divorce and you want to announce it during my first year. Anything else? Maybe full custody?"

"What? No, of course not."

"Right, you will need your time alone with Will to keep the flame ablaze, got you."

He was being downright callous but he couldn't seem to stop. Not when once Alicia got out of the bus, everything was over.

"I know, or at least I hope, you don't truly think that about me, Peter."

No, he didn't. She would hate him if she believed him to consider her a bad mother.

"No, I don't."

"Good. I don't expect you to take this lightly. I don't expect you to forgive me for what I'm doing to you but I expect you to respect my decision, just as I have respected yours year after year."

He felt tears prickle on the back of his eyes.

"I love you, Alicia. I don't want to let you go."

"I know, and if I could avoid you all of this suffering, I would."

"Don't go."

"I want to, Peter. I'm finally doing what is best for me."

"I'll wait for you. For when you find out you made a mistake."

"Don't. Use your time more wisely, Peter. Work for the citizens of Illinois and maybe you'll meet someone else and you'll realize you're not in love with this version of me, after all."

He watched her get off the bus and then murmured to himself one word over and over again.

"Impossible."

**A/N: The angst was absolutely necessary in this chapter but I'm planning the next one to be much lighter. Who knows what can happen with Will, Zach and Grace? **


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: I'm sorry for the wait. One-shots sidetrack me and I can't truly promise it won't happen again. I need an outlet for my show-related angst and I'm sure most of you don't want me to use this story for that purpose ;). This is it. The dinner. Please do tell me if it's too saccharine. I'm still trying to find the happy medium in fluff scenes ;). Enjoy!**

He had granted himself the afternoon off, just to properly cook his pot-roast. At the moment, there was no more pressing business that making sure that the dinner went off without a hitch.

His grocery-picking itinerary had included a stop to the butcher shop to select the most tender piece of meat he could find, one to the greengrocer on the other hand of town because he had the most flavorful potatoes and one to the best patisserie in Chicago. He had also found the time to discuss 10 minutes with the owner of the wine-shop over which year was preferable for the Barolo that Alicia liked so much.

He had taken his time with the preparation of the dish. His grandmother's adage "haste is the worst enemy of every cook" had reminded him of the hours spent with Grandma Rose trying to grasp the basic principles of cooking.

"And one or two sophisticated recipes because food is the way to every woman's heart."

"Wasn't the proverb "the way to a MAN's heart is through his stomach"?"

His grandmother had smacked him then.

"If you think that a woman doesn't like being catered to, sitting idly by while a man slaves off in the kitchen for her benefit, you still have a lot to learn, my dear boy."

He missed Grandma Rose and her unaffected candor. The first time he had tried cooking the pot-roast for Alicia, she had been still alive and he had called her to make sure that he was following her recipe to a T.

"What's her name?" had been her first question once the basic pleasantries had been carried out.

"I never said anything about a woman."

"My dear boy, do you think me born yesterday? You're cooking pot-roast. There is a woman involved. So I repeat, what's her name?"

"Alicia."

They had talked then and she had overseen his preparations by the phone while sharing stories about her and his grandfather. She had died a few months later and to that day, whenever the pot-roast was mentioned he couldn't help the ping in his heart that reawakened in him the idea that if there was something wrong in his recipe, he was on his own.

* * *

He had brought the meal already prepared to the Florricks' apartment but he hadn't made it in time to catch Alicia before she left. They would have greatly benefited from each other's presence before the tricky night that waited for him and the arduous one that she would have to endure.

He gave himself an internal pep-talk.

"Here goes nothing."

"Hi, Will, can I help you with your juggling act?"

"Sure, thanks, Grace. Where is your brother?"

"Here."

"Hi, Zach."

"Will."

The three of them moved to the kitchen when he started unpacking his many food-bags.

"What have you brought us?"

"My fantabulous pot-roast in this pot, a sauce if we want some pasta first, a bottle of wine for your mother and an ice-cream cake."

"Seems adequate." Zach said, smiling.

"Good."

"So what is the secret of the pot-roast?" Grace asked, seemingly eager to know the answer.

"I can show you but not tell you."

"What?"

"Your mother could have hidden a bug in the kitchen, it's not safe to talk about it out loud."

"You're not serious, are you?"

"Well, let me tell you about the second pot-roast contest and then you can tell me if I'm serious or not. In the meantime, does someone want to help me with the salad?"

"I'll do it", Zach offered.

"And I'll set the table."

Wow, these were some polite children or they were really trying hard with him. Either way he was grateful.

"The stakes for the game were pretty high. If I won, your mother had promised she'd give me her notes which were the most sought-after notes in the entire class. She had a way of encapsulating everything the Professor said in tables and summaries. For an exam like Criminal law it was a huge advantage."

"What did she want if she won?"

"I would have had to make all the flash-cards for that exam which was an herculean task."

"But why would she want to bet so much if she knew your pot-roast was better?" Grace's question wouldn't have been surprising coming from someone who didn't know Alicia, but coming from her daughter it made him pause. Just how much of herself had Alicia hidden all those years?

"Have you ever seen your mother lose at something?"

"Not really, I mean games at most."

"And she doesn't play sports very much" Zach added.

"Well, she gets that look in her eyes that says "you might believe it's over but I'll have a do-over and crush you", more or less."

"You can tell all of that from a single look?"

"Your mother's eyes are very talkative, when they want to be."

He smiled and hoped not to have conveyed the idea that they were somehow not apt in reading their mother. Maybe he had exaggerated a tiny bit but words had been almost superfluous in most of their conversations.

"Plus, she had observed me that first time, so she believed to have learned from me. Fool."

"She hadn't?"

"Nope, but since the wagers were so substantial she had come to me the evening before with the pretense of studying. I had gone to the bathroom and when I came out, way too soon for her calculations, I found her snooping in my cabinets, looking for particular ingredients."

"Our mother? Snooping? I can't picture it" Grace said while laughing.

"Well, do picture it because it's true."

"Would she have the same version if we asked her?" Zach intervened.

"I don't think so. The last time we spoke of this, she still maintained that she was looking for a snack but I had offered her one just minutes before. Complete lie. So now you understand while I have to be so careful."

They both nodded and they chit-chatted easily while they watched him put his finishing touches.

"Do you want some pasta first?"

"Not really, I'm curious about the pot-roast"

"Me too."

"Pot-roast it is then."

The trio sat down at the table and he found himself anxious at their reaction on his cooking.

"It's really good. The aftertaste is fantastic. Is this what the secret ingredient does?"

"It is."

"Well then, me and my brother will maintain your secret but from now on we have something to blackmail you with."

Zach nodded and he didn't miss the evil, teasing glint in his eyes. Oh-Oh. He might be in trouble.

* * *

"Why did you become a lawyer?"

They had gotten to the ice-cream cake by the time Grace asked this question.

He expected Zach to suggest "boring" and get out of it. But Alicia's children were both looking at him expectantly. He unsheathed his cool version of the story from its dusty cover.

"Marie was my first love and she agreed to a date only if I beat her in the moot-court. So I did."

"That sounds so made up."

"What?"

"Oh, come on. It's right out of a teenage-movie."

"Hey, this story has been with me for years. Treat it with a little respect."

"But it's not the true one, is it?"

They had him. He admitted defeat.

"No it isn't."

"So..."

"So..."

"What's the story?"

"It's lame."

"It can't be lamer than the made-up one."

"Fine, you have inherited your mother's bossiness, haven't you?"

"And our father's too."

Silence fell in the room while Zach and Grace seemed hesitant to go on. He hadn't forgotten that this evening was tough on them too. He started the tale to take their mind off it.

"There was this teacher, back in high school. Mrs Simpson. She was my history teacher but she was a philosophy buff. So from time to time she came into the class carrying a load of papers and that's when we knew we were safe from any test or interrogation because she was going on a philosophical rant on the text she would distribute in a second."

"Were they boring? These texts?"

"I never paid much attention but I suppose most of them were. But one day she surprised me. She brought this text called "Encomium of Helen"*, have you ever heard of it?

They both shook their head.

"It's from a Greek Philosopher called Gorgias. To prove his power with words, he chose the most undefendable character in that period, Helen of Troy and created one of the most powerful closing arguments ever."

"Really?"

"Yes. I was utterly curious because I am a bit of a Greek Mythology enthusiast and I couldn't imagine anyone ever being able to rehabilitate Helen but he did. I joined the debate team the following week and now here I am."

They didn't seem too bored with the story but he added a last bit to bring back a less didactic atmosphere.

"On the debate team, I did meet Marie and we went out together."

"Wait, what about Julia Thompson?"

"Who is Julia Thompson?"

"It's this girl that Will talked about in his closing. Apparently everyone at his high-school was in love with her. But then you talked about Marie."

"Zach, what kind of question is that?"

"It's fine. Yes, she is real. But you're right. I, for one, wasn't in love with her."

"How come?"

"She used to believe any man in her vicinity should have been at her beck and call. And I didn't want to be that kind of guy."

"So why do want to be at Mom's beck and call?"

Grace seemed affronted at her brother's enquiry but said nothing. Instead she turned to Will to hear the answer.

Had Alicia been sitting at the head of the table, she would have made the question go away with an irritated "Zach!". She wasn't and more than that, Will wanted to answer. He had been ready to answer for a long time.

"Your mom and Julia Thompson are not even in the same galaxy. Your mom is outstanding and I'm just lucky that she lets me be around her."

"See, told you he was whipped" said Zach, addressing Grace.

She seemed to digest the information and then spoke, very quietly at first.

"Will, it's not that I don't trust you. My mom and my brother both seem to. I can see you're in love with Mom and I want you two to be happy. But, I just need you to promise that you won't hurt her. She has been hurt enough in the past."

A lawyer was taught never to make promises. This one was the one promise he was sure he could keep.

"I promise I won't hurt her. I'm going to do everything I can to keep her laughing as you normally see her with me. And if I ever were to breach this promise, Zach has the skills to destroy out IT system. Considering how long it normally takes our IT guys to fix a simple problem, we'll be out of business by the time they'll be able to repair your brother's damage."

They both tentatively laughed and an understanding passed between the three of them. Alicia needed to be cuddled, cared for, loved, protected and they were the ones appointed to do it.

"So, want to see what this woman that is not even in my mom's galaxy is doing now? She might have had a couple of face-lifts so that her face doesn't have expressions anymore" Grace suggested.

Zach seemed enthusiastic at the idea and sprinted to his room to get the computer.

The doorbell rang.

"I'll go see who it is. It can't be mom, she always uses her keys."

Will watched Grace go to the door and hoped that whoever he or she was didn't have bad news. The dinner was going quite well.

"Uncle Owen, what are you doing here?"

"Why? Aren't you glad to see your favorite uncle?"

"My only uncle. Will is here."

"I know, Grace. I can't wait to see how he is doing."

He heard the exchange and decided to intervene.

"Hello Owen."

"Hi, Will. My sister mentioned that you were here, making pot-roast and I had to see it for myself, you know?"

"Uncle Owen, hi."

"Hi Zach, why do you have your computer?"

Then the incredible happened. Instead of answering their uncle, both Zach and Grace turned to him, probably waiting for some kind of permission. He nodded, still in shock and their reaction.

"We were going to look up a friend of Will from high-school."

"An ex-girlfriend?"

"No, of course not."

Owen laughed at his immediate and forceful answer.

"Oh, Will, it's going to be so easy to get you."

He recognized his mistake and smirked. This battle between Owen and himself was bound to be fun.

"No, but she was the ultimate woman at his high-school."

"Right, and you want to see if now she is fat and with a thousand kids?"

"Something like that."

"Then my timing is perfect. It takes some skill to appear precisely at the right moment. I'll be teaching it to my niece and nephew. You don't have the gene, Will. I'm sorry."

"How will I ever survive without such a skill?"

"I don't truly know. Is there some pot-roast for me?"

"Sure."

"Good, go fetch."

"I see you're equipped with two functioning legs. You can go to the kitchen yourself."

"It's not all I'm equipped with..."

He was bewildered at his unsubtle reference but then Zach and Grace both smiled, signaling that they knew who their uncle was.

"You guys are no fun. Where is the torturing? You'll go and fetch it because I'm Alicia's favorite brother and you want to make a good impression on me."

"I'll go and take it because I want to impress them, not you."

"Then you're going about it the wrong way. You can't let our uncle win all the battles."

"Zach!"

"Sorry, Uncle."

"I'm a lawyer, at times I let my opponent win the easy battles just to get him to drop his guard."

"Smart tactic."

"Hey, you guys, you do know that I'm here, right? Let's go look for this friend of Will's."

He went to retrieve his pot-roast but caught Owen's eyes. Behind the mock-outrage it wasn't difficult to spot his approval.

* * *

When she opened the door, the chaos welcomed her. Such a stark contrast to the silence of the campaign-bus, to the quiet of her ride home. She knew that leaving Peter was the right choice and she was trying so hard to remember her brother's words:

"But just think how much you have hurt the sultry-eyed man and still survived."

In a masochistic process she called to her mind Will's face all the times she had rejected him. It had felt just as wretched in the aftermath.

She would recover, Peter would recover. Life would go on.

It had still taken half-an-hour spent sitting in the car with the soundtrack that Matthew had gifted her to pull herself together. Her children would have probably taken her disheveled appearance as a sign that she wasn't ready to leave their father and that was not the case. The Alicia that entered her house was an adult that had masked her emotions appropriately.

Immediately, she perceived that the four people currently in her living-room hadn't noticed her, lost in the thrill of a tennis battle.

She didn't make her presence known. Instead she observed. They all seemed at ease, her brother and Zach playing against Will and Grace, concentrated as if they were in a major arena.

If she didn't know better, she would have considered them a very close-knit family and the thought that they really could become one made her recover her spark. Will was fitting in, soon she would get used to having him around, casually dressed and bringing his competitive spirit to a Wii-game.

"And with a Federer-backhand played by the very athletic Will Gardner, victory is ours!"

He and Grace high-fived and looked to the recently beaten.

"I didn't know that Federer-backhand was another name for Uncle Owen's bad footing."

"Please, Zach, it was a sheer stroke of luck."

Will and Grace in the meantime were miming the two open mouths.

"Come on, you two, don't be sore losers and shake hands with the new sensation in mixed-double Wii tennis."

She laughed at Will's comment and now that the clamor of the game had died down they all turned towards her.

"Mom, you're back."

"I am and I want to talk to you two, in my bedroom. Come on, we'll let your Uncle and Will clear the table."

Before following her children she grinned at Will so that he would understand that she hadn't changed her mind, she just needed some time alone with Zach and Grace.

He nodded, smiled, and while Owen was going back to the kitchen mouthed "I love you."

Like the teenager that couldn't wait till the end of the dinner to tell her boyfriend just how important he was, she risked getting seen by Owen and exposed to a never-ending, merciless teasing to mouth back:

"I love you too."

***Rather than trying to put the link for the text, since fanfiction always seems to gobble them, I'll tell you how to find it, if any of you is interested in reading it. It's not terribly long and it's quite impressive, in my opinion of course ;). Just Google gorgias encomium of helen. Both the second and the third link are English translations of the text.**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: If any of you is still interested to see what happens in this happy Willicia world, here is the next chapter. Enjoy! **

"How did it go?"

"How was dad?"

Her children asked simultaneously as soon as the click of the door in her room had been heard.

"He took it as well as can be expected."

The comment caused tears in Grace's eyes. She forced herself to be tough. She was the one who had destroyed her family. She wasn't allowed to cry.

"He's hurting, isn't he?"

That was a fair assumption. She had never seen Peter as dejected as when she had left that bus. He was truly heartbroken and she couldn't stop it. She nodded.

"It'll take time, for all of us."

"Then why is Will already out there, swapping recipes with Uncle Owen?"

The wound was fresh. Her behavior was due to her deep love for her father. She did not hate Will. They had been so amiably playing together and high-fiveing just a few minutes before.

"Grace!", her brother hissed.

"Did something happen with Will? You two seemed ok before."

"Nothing happened, Mom."

"Grace?"

"He really loves you, Mom. He is fun, handsome, learned, and really great at Wii tennis..."

Her daughter was almost sobbing now and she took her in her arms.

"Are those bad things?"

Grace broke the hug and faced her.

"How can you not understand, Mom? He is no Amber Madison. This thing between you and him, it won't be temporary. It will be forever."

Had she misinterpreted what her children had given her permission to do? Had they wanted her to just have her fun for a while before returning to her husband, dutiful as ever?

Containing the tears was becoming nothing short of impossible. Had she deluded herself into thinking that she could truly have a life with Will? If Grace was this upset, she had to rectify the mistake, didn't she? Even if it took her entire strength or changing jobs.

Her panicked look was noticed by her daughter because she rushed to get the words out:

"Mom, I know what I said and I meant it. I'm just now realizing that maybe a part of me believed that I would have found his fatal flaw tonight. But I'll be all right, Mom."

"We will be, Mom, we promise."

Zach had put an arm protectively around her sister and her heart warmed at seeing them together. Having a sibling during a divorce was what would help them survive. That didn't mean that she was willing to accept the suffering of her children blindly.

"If you've changed your mind, it's fine. But you have to tell me now, before..."

Before Will could get any ideas. But Will already had them, didn't he? How could she survive breaking his heart again?

"We haven't changed our mind, Mom. I'm sorry for being such a child. I just hate seeing Dad suffer."

"I'm sorry"

"We know, Mom. We know."

They hugged each other and for that moment, they weren't the two teenagers that were playing adults and she was the woman who had just inflicted tremendous pain on her husband and the father of her children. They were a family mourning the loss of one family-member.

Zach broke the silence.

"You should go, Mom. I can't even imagine what Uncle Owen is telling Will."

"I think she wants to steal him."

"Grace!"

"It's true, Mom. He totally checked him out earlier. And don't worry. I like him, Mom. He's great."

"I'm glad you guys liked him. He was very nervous."

"It didn't show too much."

"You should tell him. He'd take him like a compliment."

"We should come and say goodbye, right?"

"Not if you don't want to, Grace. Will will understand."

"I know, Mom. He always seems to understand. But I can say goodbye. Just one thing, can we go see Dad this weekend?"

"I can drive me and Grace around for the events, if necessary."

"Of course you can. You should. Your Dad will need you to get over this."

As they came back to the kitchen, they found Owen and Will sitting on two stools and his brother was making a point to a clearly-amused Will.

"...so you see on this me and my sister are twins. We watch basket just to stare at tight men's asses."

"OWEN!"

She reached her brother, smacked him and took his glass of wine.

"Enough of this. You need to go!"

While she was dealing with her brother, Zach and Grace were both thanking Will for the dinner. She was so proud of the kind of maturity they were showing in the situation. Then they each took one of Owen's arms and started pushing Owen towards the door.

"Come on, Uncle. Do you need a cab?"

"Will, I want to sue for manhandling and assault."

"Sure, I'll refer you to a couple of nuisance-suits lawyers tomorrow. I'm not sure I can take your case. Conflict of interest and all..."

"Et tu, Will..." were the last words that could be heard before the thud of the front-door.

"Night Will, night Mom"

Then both Zach and Grace disappeared into their rooms.

"And then there were two..."

She had expected Will to use the first available second to kiss her and push the boundaries of what they could do with her children still in the house. Instead he went for the fridge and took out a bottle of her favorite wine.

"I promised, didn't I? I had to hide it from your brother."

At first she was puzzled at his behavior and then she took the time to notice how his movements were less fluid and confident than normal. His voice had a soft hint of uneasiness he was trying to conceal.

He was nervous.

"So..."

"Will..."

"You go ahead."

"It was tough but it went as well as can be expected, I imagine."

"You don't have to talk to me about it... if you don't want, I mean..."

He truly was on pins and needles. So she took action. She posed the glass and the bottle he was holding on the counter and burrowed herself in his arms. He reacted immediately and secured her in his embrace. She could feel him physically let go of the tension and the hug had the same effect on her. Being encircled by Will was one of the best ways to press pause on her problems. He kissed the crown of her head and murmured "I'm sorry."

What would he possibly have to be sorry for? Without leaving her safe place she asked for clarifications.

"For what?"

"For putting your family through this. I can see how much you are shaken by this meeting. I'm sorry."

"Will, please, it's not your fault."

"No, not directly, I know. But we have won cases on much weaker ties than this one. Is Grace ok?"

"Why?"

"I thought I heard crying before. Maybe it was too soon."

She knew the situation did not call for laughter but she found it funny that Will's thought-process was incredibly similar to her own. He was already protecting Zach and Grace and he hadn't even been in their life for more than a few weeks.

"Will, relax. It is a rough spot but we will get over it."

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm acting like a teenage-boy, worse than that, considering how collected Zach is... It's just..."

"Apologize one more time and I will start to get upset."

She kissed him then and the smile formed on his lips while he reciprocated. Their mouths fused fast and they both sought the solace they had been craving throughout the night in each other. While their tongues were engaged in a lively battle, her hands started roaming his broad chest before going lower and lower.

"Alicia, stop. Your kids might be understanding but they won't accept me mauling their mother in their kitchen."

"At most it would be me mauling you and they'll have to get used to it."

Will's look was a mix of astonishment and deep-seated lust and it made her laugh. How had she ever imagined that she could live the rest of her life without their relationship? Without the man that had her feeling so carefree just hours after asking for a divorce and minutes after a teary conversation with her children?

"What can I say? You bring out the wild side in me."

"Well, that's one thing I surely won't be apologizing for."

She pecked his lips again and then admired his smile for a second or two.

"Clear out your weekend."

"Now that sounds promising. What for?"

"The kids will be with their father and we will finally have time to christen the renewed relationship."

"I don't think Grace would approve of your use of that word."

She bit his earlobe and whispered in his ear:

"What she doesn't know doesn't hurt her."

She surprised herself, at times, at just how much she was willing to push her boundaries when she was with Will. It was his smile, his look. They were so reassuring and certain of her character, of the fact that she was a great mother that she felt she could experiment without being judged.

It was the kind of freedom any woman in the world wished for.

"What are you trying to do to me? Ensure that I have to spend the night in my shower under a spray of cold water?"

"I just want you to be prepared for Friday. You wouldn't want to disappoint me."

"We will see who will disappoint whom."

She wanted to remark on the fact that he used the grammatically-correct form of the pronoun even in the midst of a very-prolonged verbal foreplay when she saw the change in him.

His eyes turned downwards, his smile became more tender. He was about to say something intimate. He paused for a bit, and then kissed her instead.

"What were you going to say?"

"Nothing."

"Will, I can tell, you know that. It's ok. You can tell me everything."

"You're being a sexy rebel tonight and I'm going to sound cheesy."

"Good. More ammunition for the future."

"For lack of a better word, your eyes brighten when we laugh around like this. I hope I'll be able to elicit that reaction from you for a long while."

She was willing to forgive Will a lot of pathetic talk if it made her feel like that. He was really committed to making her happy.

"You have been able to ever since that night at the bar. I don't see it changing in the future. You have no idea how much I wish you didn't have to go."

"Really? I have no idea, you're sure you want to go with that?"

She could always count on Will of joking precisely when she felt the most vulnerable because she had admitted a sort of weakness.

"Fine, maybe you do know. I'm sorry that we can't."

"Alicia, I might not be a parent or a psychologist but I think I can grasp the basic principle that two teenagers don't want to wake up to find me in the house the day after you asked their father for a divorce. It's completely fine. Besides, as the Hallmark cards say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and I trust the Hallmark cards."

"Is that next to the card "if you arrive late to court tomorrow, Judge Matchick will make you stand-by counselor in some case on his docket."?"

"Nah, the isle for Chicago judges is in the back."

"Thanks for everything, Will"

"Nothing to thank me for. You must know that by now."

"Fine, if you won't let me thank you, get out of here."

She was pushing him out the door but he turned and stole one last kiss. Then he moved away, whistling.

Whistling. And she didn't dislike it. She was so in love with Will.

* * *

"Mr. Gardner, welcome back."

"Thank you, Hal."

"There is a visitor waiting for you at your floor. I know the policy is to make them wait here in the hall, but I assumed you wanted to see this guest and he was insistent."

"Who is it?"

The question had been spontaneous but the answer would be redundant. Would the night ever end? He knew precisely what words would come out of his doorman's. He dreaded them.

"It's the State's Attorney, Sir."


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: At the beginning I was all set to erase the entire chapter and start again but then I kept ending up in the same place over and over again. I considered it an equilibrium. This is how I see the conversation between the two at this particular point in my story. It might take a couple of readings to warm up to this chapter. Thanks to the wonderful StrawberrySab for being my Guardian Angel that watches over me when there are difficult chapters! **

The doors of the elevator opened to an utterly unfamiliar image.

There, huddled on the floor in front of his door, was the State's Attorney and future Governor. That night he had abandoned the role of the politician and looked no different than the average crestfallenly-angry man. He gave himself the advantage of the first move.

"It seems that we have been waiting for this conversation a long time."

They had been toying with the situation for 4 years. Not saying what needed to be told, hiding in corners everything that might break the status-quo, like seasoned Chicago-men.

"Do you think it will be a conversation?"

Had he not been in a harshly-fought political campaign, they would have both already discarded their jacket gearing for a fist-fight. As the situation was, he approached his nemesis, shrugged, slouched down on the opposite wall and said simply:

"What else could it be? A candidate for Governor can't possibly show up to an event with a bloody lip, can he? Especially when he is already suspected to be a hot head."

"You are quite overconfident, aren't you? You think you will be able to win a fist fight?"

No, he probably wouldn't. Boxing had never been his sport and while he had speed and agility, Peter was taller and better-built. The point still held.

"I don't need to win to give you a bloody lip."

He nodded, paused and then reprised, maintaining his slightly-angry tone. It always seemed menacing.

"It was smart."

"What was?"

"Making her believe that you were moving on with a credible woman, a friend of hers to boot. For once, you didn't handle the situation poorly."

"You truly think it was all make believe?"

"Of course I do. There is no moving on from Alicia."

Yes, that was completely true. He had suspected it during her marriage, he had known it after her first case at Lockhart/Gardner, he had rediscovered it a mere 48 hours before.

"At last, something we can agree on."

"Do you think me the type to just let you two ride off into the sunset while my family gets destroyed?"

"I think you the type that moves away when the fight is already lost."

"Listen to you. You've had Alicia for what, two seconds? And you already act as she has been yours forever and I'm just the hopeless sap that has admired her from afar for years. Oh, wait, that was you."

He forced himself to be an adult. Alicia had chosen him now. He was familiar with the deflation of all positive feelings that Peter was going through. He had experienced the high of finding a target for the anger and the low that came from the awareness that it did not change anything.

"Alicia has never been mine as much as she has never been yours."

"Yes, you hang on to rhetoric and words."

"You are a politician and I'm a lawyer. We are rhetoric and words."

"I'm not a juror and you're not a voter I'm trying to impress. Let's cut through all that bullshit, shall we?"

His poised behavior was surely the cause for setting him off again. A conversation did not cure pain. A fight might temporarily distract from feeling it.

"We shall. You came to me, Mr. State's Attorney. What do you want to say?"

"What kind of man goes after a married woman?"

He forced himself to avoid a laugh but a smirk was the minimum normal reaction.

"I'll give you a chance for a redo. Do YOU really want me to answer that?"

"So I made a mistake 4 years ago. That doesn't mean I should lose my wife over it."

"It means exactly that. You have to pay for your mistakes. You taught me that. Apparently 15 years are not enough to cancel a mistake that was far less colossal than yours, why should it be different for you?"

He would never have imagined it but he was glad that the suspension was another weapon in his arsenal. He had paid it all. Peter's turn.

"So this is payback for the Grand Jury investigation?"

That would be a fine argument for Peter to make to Alicia. "Will's using you to get back at me." Too bad for him that he had already proven again and again his devotion to Alicia.

"You know better than that. You had Alicia, a family, your job and you threw it all away and you're here to tell me what? That now that Alicia has finally chosen me I should step aside because it's immoral to go after a married woman? I won't do that. But you must have realized it already. So the question remains: why are you here?"

"What do you think?"

What did he think? He thought that Peter was there for the same reason he had more than once wanted to go to Peter. Because he needed someone to hurt. And Peter, despite his many faults, would never touch Alicia, of course, so he, the man who stole his wife away, was the obvious mark.

"I think you want to punch me. Maybe you think it will make you feel better because there is nothing else you can do about this situation."

Whatever the next words that came from The State's Attorney's mouth, that was the truth. Peter Florrick, the comeback-man, the power-broker, the soon-to-be most important man in Illinois, was powerless when it came to the most crucial person in his life.

"I'm here to tell you that it's just temporary. Alicia will get bored of the novelty and she'll come back to me. You'll spend every minute watching your back, invading her space more and more so that you don't lose control, you'll become pathetic, always wondering not "if" but "when" Alicia will leave you. Because she will. She's way out of your league."

He had to give it to him. Even desperate, he had hit a nerve. He was insecure about their relationship. It seemed safe, right, and permanent at the moment but those were the early days. He was terrified about them facing a serious hurdle, about him not being enough to comfort her in a difficult moment, or when it came to a fundamental decision with her children. He did not doubt his love for her, but Alicia had a penchant for safe harbors. What if she stopped finding that safety in his arms? He could not let Peter see he had found his Achilles' heel. Instead, he latched to his last comment.

"If she's out of my league, she is out of yours too. And for the rest, I don't believe that. If it was so obvious, you wouldn't have felt compelled to come here and tell me. I think that is the truth you want to tell yourself because otherwise you would have to face the fact that you've lost Alicia, for real this time. I understand, Peter, I have done it for years. Substituting hope for reality."

"So that should be the ultimate clue that you shouldn't feel safe in your relationship at all."

Peter was doing a spectacular job at getting him riled up.

"It's a clue of nothing because I will never cheat on her nor be so busy that she becomes my second priority. I spent my entire life getting ahead. Now that she has given me what was missing, I won't lose her that easily."

In hearing himself forcefully pronounce those words, he convinced himself a little bit more. He would do everything to keep Alicia from running. He just hoped it would be enough.

Then, all of a sudden, he recognized that he had the unique opportunity of asking the one question he had always wanted an answer to.

"How? I never liked you, Peter, but I always considered you a smart man. How could you do that to her?"

"You are delusional if you think I'm going to answer that question."

"You are delusional if you think you're ever going to get Alicia back without answering that question."

"So what? You are going to let her go just to satisfy your morbid curiosity?"

"Haven't we already established that when it concerns Alicia, I am never going to let her go? But in order to win her trust back, she would want an answer to the question."

"How generous of you, giving me counsel of how to get her back. I had regained her trust and her commitment until you intervened with your ultimatum and your fake moving on."

The moment of that epiphany would remain etched in Will's memory for a long while. Peter was avoiding the question not because he was not the intended recipient of the answer but because he himself didn't have one that was even minimally convincing.

That was his tragedy. A mistake that had irreparably compromised his marriage and he could not explain why he had made it. He almost felt bad for him. Almost.

"Fine, it's all my fault. Happy now?"

"Alicia would not have divorced me had you not been there whispering in her ear every day for 4 years!"

The more he talked, the more pitiful he sounded. Peter was not a loser by nature. Now that the Governorship was in his sights, he had not been prepared for such a hurricane in his personal life.

"You will always be her second choice. How does that feel?"

"Maybe in the past, but I don't think it holds anymore. Her first choice, that would be you I imagine, was more than available this time."

Peter got up but still rested his back on the wall and made no movement towards the elevator.

"You should be afraid of me."

He couldn't help but laugh sarcastically. He had no more skeletons in his closet than those unveiled by the Scott-Carr investigation, not any relevant one for sure.

"Really? Why? Enlighten me, Peter. What could the Governor do to me? Put me in jail because his wife is in love with me?"

"You can laugh but it's not a joke. You don't have any idea of the lengths I would go to in order to protect my family."

He got up then, fed up with his attitude. He had been considerate up until that moment.

"Is this the moment in which I quiver in fear in front of the Big Bad Future-Governor?"

Peter grabbed him by the collar and hissed at him, like a rabid dog. His eyes completed the picture, red from the aftermath of tears he had probably shed while he had been joking around with Owen and playing teenager with Alicia.

"You're grasping at straws Peter. You could let off the leash Eli and 99 clones of his. You could have me thrown in jail or sink my firm and all it would accomplish is getting Alicia to despise you, which she doesn't at the moment. But you still wouldn't get your wife and your life back. It's over."

The subsequent punch wasn't unexpected but it was extremely well-struck and he ended up on the floor with blood gushing out of the cut on his lip. The temptation to retaliate was there but then he took another look at his assailer and the anguish behind his rage made him stop. He might be an enemy but there was no use in hitting him while he was down.

Peter made for the elevator touching his knuckles and said nothing more.

He had been right all along.

Alicia's husband had come to him as an outlet for the violence of his despair and once it had been a fait accompli he had no reason for sticking around.

He quickly opened the door and found some ice to put on his lip. It would bruise for sure, but he tried at least to prevent the swelling. He took the phone in his hand. He wanted to call her, to relay his version of the events, to have the reassurance that he had no reason to punch Peter back.

He decided to put her first, as always. There would be time for her to find out what had happened. He would shield her as much as possible.

He still wrote a message.

"Is it bad if I already kind of miss you?"

She replied soon after.

"It is but this cake you brought is so good that I'll forgive you for it. Combined with the wine, they're exactly what I needed."

"Glad to be of service."

"Glad you'll be around to be of service in more ways than one."

She was such a tease! In two messages he had already forgotten the throbbing of the lip and the unpleasantness of the end of the evening.

Alicia was worth it all.

**A/N: Would you be interested in the inclusion of the Cary leaving L/G plotline in this story? **


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: This was an extremely hard chapter to write. I blame it on Cary and Kalinda which always seem to mess up my flow of writing. They're such difficult characters to give voice to. Also, this is the longest chapter I have ever written, clocking 5550 words. If you make it to the end, please review, because I struggled a lot with the scene in the middle and I would love to hear your opinions on it. Last note, there is a short M-scene at the end of the chapter, as a thank you for reading so many Willicia-less words. You can skip it if you want. Enjoy!**

She still had to give herself a pinch from time to time to remind herself that it hadn't even been 72 hours since she and Will had taken the right path. Finally.

She was in her forties, for God's sake! She couldn't possibly wake up and immediately check her phone hoping for a message from him. It was unhealthy, it was high-schoolish, it was ridiculous.

And yet she checked and there was indeed something.

"If Matchick comments on my being distracted I'm blaming you and your late-night messages."

Not that there was any chance of that. Will compartmentalized very well when in court, much better than her, that was sure. The only time she had seen him out of phase was in moot court, against her and the idea pleased and terrified her to no end. She had an immense power when it came to him and with immense power came immense responsibility. She had to be careful of her every move.

The message was his way of saying "Thinking of you" and she was thrilled like a teenager.

As soon as she got to the firm, her secretary alerted her that Diane wanted to speak to her. She had already received the name-partner "don't hurt him or I'll trample you with my heels and throw your body in my future husband's farm" talk. So what now?

"Alicia, please sit."

"Sure, is everything ok?"

"We don't know."

Will hadn't mentioned anything the night before.

"Today we received a payment in full from a client. Do you know what that means?"

Every self-respecting lawyer knew what that meant.

"He's planning to leave."

"Yes, exactly. And the same time thing happened recently. We had Kalinda look into it, but she couldn't come up with the name of the firm who's poaching our clients, just that it's a small start-up, a one-man firm."

Diane always used we, her and Will were an inseparable unit, weren't they? She made a note to talk with her boyfriend about Diane leaving. It would probably hit him harder than he was showing. Also, she had to find a proper word to describe him. She was being juvenile whenever he was concerned, granted, but did she really want to say Will was her boyfriend? He was infinitely more than that.

"We think it's one of our lawyers, probably a fourth-year. Anyway, you are our best shot at finding out who."

"Why?"

"You were one of them, weren't you? Maybe they'll talk to you, or even try to poach you. It'd be a big coup now that you're going to be the wife of the..."

Diane stopped mid-sentence. Unheard of, before that day. She seemed conflicted, probably on whether or not to apologize. She chose not to. Diane Lockhart didn't make amends.

"Now that they think you're going to be the wife of the Governor."

The reasoning made a lot of sense. She couldn't deny it. But it also meant she was screwed. She tried her last card.

"Does Will know about this?"

"Not about the second client or about me asking but I don't see why he would have a problem. Do you?"

She couldn't think of a decent excuse Diane wouldn't see through.

"No, of course not."

"So you'll do it, look for the mole, so to speak."

"Sure, nobody can steal our clients and get away with it."

Diane was particularly satisfied with her answer and with her in general. She suspected that her having made Will happy had bought her a lot of good-will when Diane was concerned.

"Good."

She closed the door behind her and reached her office before murmuring to herself over and over again.

"Damn it, Damn it, Damn it!"

She didn't believe for a second that Kalinda hadn't found out the name of the start-up firm. She wasn't an amateur. From time to time, though, the investigator operated on loyalty. This had to be the case. She had heard with what conviction Cary had suggested "Florrick, Agos & Associates". She had perceived his disappointment as his not having made partner, she had comprehended the belligerent feelings he harbored against Lockhart/Gardner.

He was the winning candidate as pertained the category of employees who wanted to branch out on their own and would actually have the guts to go behind Diane & Will's back.

Her conclusion left her in a maze of dilemmas. Should she talk to Kalinda first? They had just mended their friendship. She had to give her an heads' up on her one-night-adventure-with-the-prospect-of-more, didn't she? Should she make sure before confronting him with the accuse of a betrayal? If so, how could she do it without any investigator? Would Kalinda tell her the truth? Should she go to Robyn instead? Would Kalinda feel slighted?

When had an adult friendship turned into such a complicated game of chess?

Then there was Cary.

What if she ascertained beyond any doubt that Cary was indeed the one that was stirring trouble, what then?

Protocol would suggest that she called a partners' meeting, ousted him and let the others deal with the consequences. He would be immediately fired, of course and she wasn't sure his newborn firm would survive the character-slaughter that everyone at Lockhart/Gardner would reverse on him. Furthermore, if he failed in the project, what kind of firm would hire a young, eager lawyer that had been branded as a backstabber? It would probably be the end of his career in Chicago or at the very least a huge step backwards.

Her first instinct would be to protect him. Cary hadn't had a Will giving her a chance after 13 years away from the law, nor an Eli moving his business at L&G to preserve her job. He had a father that was completely against helping him but had no qualms exploiting him and he seemed to be in love with Kalinda which guaranteed his life would never be simple.

She had liked him almost since the beginning. He projected this smartass image but that was just a veil of protection, not unlike Will's. He was a fun office-mate, he was sharp, witty, smart, sensitive, dedicated and an exceptional lawyer.

When he had proposed FA&A she had pondered a bit on the offer and come to the conclusion that they could work as a professional partnership. With time they could build that kind of trust that was needed to become the next Will & Diane.

She couldn't possibly throw him to the wolves, could she? Especially when she had already been responsible for getting him fired before.

On the other hand, the care she had for the Will-in-training was nothing compared to the love she bore to the real one. Hiding from him that a rib of his firm was working to significantly erode the client-list would seriously hinder their newfound relationship. He wouldn't understand her actions.

Finally, there was the Kalinda & Cary factor to consider. Was she contemplating jumping ship for Cary's sake? That didn't seem at all like a Kalinda move but she couldn't be 100% sure. Losing Cary and the clients would be extremely damaging but losing Kalinda would be a catastrophe of a whole other level.

She had to get the situation under control.

* * *

Will was conveniently stuck in court and she arranged personally an impromptu lunch with the two people that had destroyed her morning. Neither of them knew the other was going to be present and she hoped she'd get the two of them to stay once one saw the other. She had invited them to her apartment. Zach and Grace were out and there was the least chance of being spotted there. She would readily concede that she was being a little paranoid but when such a huge break in her net of connections was at stake, she would take paranoia over carelessness.

Cary arrived first, not a surprise.

"What's with all the secrecy?"

"Nothing, please take a seat and pour yourself some wine."

"Are we waiting for someone? There are three glasses out."

"Yes."

She said nothing more. Thankfully her doorbell rang soon after, interrupting the awkward silence.

Kalinda opened with her usual "What's up?" before catching sight of her pseudo-paramour.

"Come on, there's a bottle of wine opened. I need to talk to the both of you. "

Kalinda gave her a strange look. She probably assumed that this was some kind of intervention to let the two of them finally talk. It wasn't the worst idea, per se. If she and Will had been forced in the same room together for a decent amount of time, they probably would have gotten to the point a lot sooner but it wasn't what the meeting was about.

Both of them seated, and seemingly waiting to listen, she took a gulp from her wine glass and asked:

"When are you leaving, Cary?"

His first reaction was telling. He turned to Kalinda with an outraged stare. She had been right. Kalinda had not been in the dark and kept it a secret.

"Don't look at her, she didn't tell me."

For a moment Cary hesitated between denial and a confirmation. He decided to come clean.

"Who told you then?"

"Diane."

She clarified the statement to assuage his panic.

"She doesn't truly know it's you. She suspects it's one of the fourth years and she asked me to look into the matter."

"What does she have to go on?"

"Today a second client paid his bill on time and in full."

Kalinda jumped in.

"I thought you stopped it."

"I can't stop it. I can't survive with just one client, can I? But I should have advised them not to pay yet. It was clumsy of me not to."

She took back the reins of the conversation.

"That's it, Cary? That's all you have to say?"

"What should I say? You knew I wanted to do this when they first went back on the offers of partnership. Just because they gave you yours back, it doesn't change the situation for the rest of us."

"So all fourth-years are involved?"

"All those with the revoked partnership, yes."

"Are you trying to get fired?"

"When are you leaving?"

Hers and Kalinda's voice overlapped but Cary heard and answered both of them.

"We're leaving in a month and we'd like to resign rather than get fired."

"It's sheer madness, Cary."

"Alicia is right."

"It's not madness, it's a gamble. And it wouldn't even be a gamble if the two of you came with me and the others. Think about it. Aren't we a formidable trio? We would be a start-up, granted, but with the quality of a top-tier firm. With the best investigator in Chicago and the wife of the Governor name partner, we would be unstoppable."

His fervor was admirable but he was missing some key pieces of information on the developments in her private life.

Kalinda sent her a questioning glance, probably asking for some kind of permission on just how much she could reveal. She decided to go all in, Peter already knew after all and Cary wouldn't want to hurt the future Governor anyway. Maybe with the full picture he'd rethink his mission and recommit to Lockhart/Gardner.

"I'm not going to be the wife of the Governor."

"What?"

"Peter and I will be getting a divorce soon."

He was abashed, floored.

"What? Is it true? You're not just saying that to make me change my mind?"

"It is. And there's something else you don't know. I'm in a relationship with Will."

His previous disconcertment turned into pure dread.

"Have you told him?"

"Not yet. And Cary, believe me or not, I don't want to. I don't want to watch him destroy you. If there's one thing Will doesn't tolerate is disloyalty. He'd be ruthless."

He turned to Kalinda who was being suspiciously silent.

"Would you help him? With the smear campaign? Digging into my past to find a stupid indiscretion that will become a gigantic flaw of character? Will you, Kalinda?"

"No, of course not. But he'd find someone else. You know that."

"Someone else is not you. We can push back, you and me. We'll leave Alicia out of it. But we can go after Will, hurt him until he'll be forced to call a truce."

Cary was talking to Kalinda, watching her intently, completely ignoring that there was someone else in the room. His words were those of a business proposal but his tone betrayed him. He was asking for a commitment that went beyond her services as an investigator. He was imploring her to give them a real chance, professional and personal.

Kalinda's answer was distressed but resolute.

"I won't do it to you, Cary but I won't do it to Will either."

"He doesn't value you enough, you know that."

"Maybe so, but he's always been a friend."

"And I haven't?"

He got up and tentatively laughed. An hollow sound, without emotions filling the apparent sign of hilarity.

"So you two are going to make an united front against me? I'm screwed."

She hated just how disenchanted his voice was. A man of that age, even a lawyer, should always have a future, imagine one.

"Look, Cary. Not all is lost. Abandon this idea of going out on your own, court the clients back to our firm and I'll personally make sure that the next position as Equity Partner is yours and it will be soon."

"So Diane said..., but you know the saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice..."..."

Indeed, it sounded not very believable. In a inconspicuous glance with Kalinda, the two of them had taken conscience that they had to fess up to the truth or there was no way of exiting this situation unharmed. At her nod, Kalinda gave away their inside information.

"I've been researching Diane's past."

"What? Are you out of your mind? What does it have to do with anything?"

"It has to stand up to scrutiny, you see, because she'll be extensively vetted."

He did the math in his head and then turned away from Kalinda to ask the question.

"Is he appointing her?"

"Yes, so we're not talking hypothetically anymore, Cary. This is real. You'll get your seat at the table."

"And what about the others? I should just screw them over like that?"

Kalinda had already an exit strategy planned, apparently.

"You'll tell them that you've been found out, that your firm wouldn't survive that much slander that early in your run. That now is not the right time to go on your own."

Cary was shaking his head furiously.

"No, no, no!"

She had learned, during the drug-induced stupor of his, that Cary had a remarkable self-control. Even while under the effect of hallucinogens, he had been able to maintain some kind of dignity with his superiors. She had been the only one to see the state he was in. That was why his outburst at her house seemed practically out of character. His chant of "no, no, no" was probably his way of expressing his dissatisfaction with the entire world that never seemed to give him a break.

When Kalinda tried to approach him, he swatted her hand away, in a forceless and yet decisive way, recovered his cool and started talking to the two of them, without favoring one or the other.

"When will it ever be the right time? Have you ever heard of a firm that hasn't been born through a merger or a client-stealing of some sort? It's how the business works. I can't tell them that there will be a better time in the future because there won't be. Don't you think that I know that you two will be watching me like hawks from now on? I won't ever have the necessary time to build my firm, before one of you goes to Will to fess up."

That little talk of his gave her the chance to ask him about his eagerness at going on his own.

"Why does it have to be your firm, Cary? If you become a partner, why do you care so much about your name on the door? I can't believe it's just because you think our firm is top-heavy. Will and Diane struggle with so much. Why would you want to take that burden?"

He didn't give her an immediate answer. He bid his time and chose the words carefully. Then he focused his gaze on her eyes and said:

"You should understand more than any other. You built something in your life, Alicia. You built a family. And you fought like hell to preserve it from anything life has thrown at you. Will and Diane have built something. I've watched them eat, live and breathe Lockhart/Gardner. They have risked so many times of being expunged from Chicago law-scene and each time they have found the strength to save their creature. I want to do it too. I want the privilege of fighting for something I call mine."

Both she and Kalinda were speechless for a moment. The mother, the partner and the ambitious lawyer had all radically different comebacks to what had just come out of his mouth. She wondered if his father had something to do with his longing for a place of his own. She opted, not without contrition, for a bit of bubble-bursting.

"Failure is much more romantic as a hypothetical than as a reality, Cary."

"Alicia is right. You don't want to have the life Will and Diane have had for the last decade and a half."

"I see, the cynical duo brings me right back to the fold. Your arguments are empty. Both of you know that you'd better off at the new firm. Lockhart/Gardner has too much of a history. Each move has to be passed through a purifying filter as not to step on any toes. You're staying there because of Will."

"You should learn from him, Cary. A leader has to create loyalty and Will obviously has."

"You're right, I should. Even though I believed that at least with you I had already earned it."

"You have. You know you have."

Kalinda was being uncharacteristically subdued. In the adjacent room, just two nights before, she had volunteered information about her and Cary but now he was going too fast and she obviously didn't know how to react.

"Then come with me, Kalinda."

"Don't make us choose, Cary. Don't make me choose between you and Will. Don't make Alicia choose between destroying you and hurting Will."

"And what? Forget about the others and go back to play the dutiful little attorney? What about that loyalty I should learn from Will? It doesn't apply if it doesn't go in your favor?"

"Cary, listen to me. You'll have a vote. You, me and Will are the three staunchest supporters of Kalinda. We'll see her properly valued. Howard Lyman is not going to be there forever and with Diane leaving... maybe in a few years your name could be next to Will's."

His disparaging laughter preceded his response.

"Do you take me for a fool, Alicia, or are you just that blind when it comes to Will? He will NEVER put my name on the wall. He doesn't trust me. From day one, he has seen me as an enemy behind allies' lines, as the over-eager attorney that would steal the place of his precious Alicia. And then, I don't know, as a spy for your husband, maybe. No matter how much I did for his firm, he never paid me anything more than a perfunctory compliment. He doesn't put faith in me. You and Diane always have to intercede on my behalf. And I should abandon all my plans, for the chance that in the future he'll warm up to me and decide to bump me over tens of other equity partners as a name partner? Please, I know better than that. You know better than that."

"He trusts me."

Astonishingly both she and Kalinda had come up with exactly the same repartee. No sign needed to seal the agreement between the two of them as Cary's advocates if that meant that they could get out of an increasingly thorny situation.

"I'm sorry, but that's not enough."

"Think about it, Cary. Today it's Thursday. I won't talk to Will or Diane about your plans until Monday. Take the weekend to think it through, will you?"

Kalinda sent her another questioning glance. She was aware that he could use the weekend to finalize as much of his plans as possible so that he and his co-conspirators could leave. She was aware that she would have to lie to Will for four entire days and if he ever found out that could be a serious blow to their newborn relationship. But Cary was right. Will had not been fair towards him and she was righting the wrong. Not exactly her place to question Will's actions, but she was doing it anyway. Cary and Will had more in common than either of them knew. With her and Kalinda as buffers, they could end up having a fruitful professional partnership. She was convinced of it. She nodded at both the other two occupants of the room.

"Fine, I'll think about it."

He was on his way to the door. He stopped before opening it.

"And... thanks, to the both of you."

The thud of the wood signaled his exit.

"He could be gone by Monday, you know."

"I know, but what was I supposed to do?"

"Thanks. For including me, for him."

"Of course, I might have a terrible short-term memory but I wouldn't forget what you told me a couple days ago. And on that topic, you should go after him."

"And say what?"

"I don't know. You are the one that has a thing for him, not me."

"Has a thing?"

"You know what I mean, Kalinda."

"I don't know what to tell him."

"Convince him to stay."

"I'm not sure I'd be convincing him for his own sake."

"Do you think he'd be better off on his own?"

"It's not the worst idea in the world. He's right about Will."

"I know. But we could work on them."

"They are remarkably stubborn."

"I know. Would you go with him, if it comes to that? I need to know, Will needs to know."

"I don't know. Should I?"

She wanted to be able to tell her a sincere "NO!" but she couldn't. Maybe Kalinda would benefit from being his most trusted employee. He would surely benefit from having her there.

"I don't know."

"I should go, I'm chasing a promising lead for Diane. Will you be able to lie to him?"

"I have to. Cary deserves a break."

"And Will doesn't?"

"He will have one. I'm planning to keep him busy this weekend."

Kalinda's phantom-smile appeared and she nodded.

"Will I get the gory details?"

"Nope."

"Fair enough. See you, Alicia."

"Bye Kalinda"

* * *

The afternoon had been way less than productive. She hadn't caught Will at all and she was ready to go home, have a shower and a glass of wine before collapsing with her children on the couch. They had settled on a movie for the night. Just the three of them since the weekend was fast approaching and with it their meeting with their father. They were both quite on edge and she felt incredibly guilty for her opposing feelings when it came to the weekend, given who her company would be. Now that she thought about it, they hadn't truly fixed a plan and for some reason that she couldn't explain without sounding crazy, this plan couldn't possibly wait until the following day, nor it could be done over the phone. She had time before she was due home. She could swing by Will's.

She hadn't forgotten what had gone through at lunch but she was choosing to be positive. Cary's drama would not ruin her first official weekend with Will. The chaos brought by that situation would not blemish the fantasy in her head. Will was a master at throwing her into the oblivion of senses. She would not even remember the name Cary.

That was how she willed it to be. That was how it would be.

The doorman recognized her and he seemed to be in a chatty mood.

"Mrs. Florrick, how is the campaign going? Your husband's got my vote."

He better not be doing that kind of talk around Will.

"It's going well, thanks. And thanks for the support."

She should have mastered the political wife-persona by now and yet she still had some difficulties with the common courtesies of exchanges with average voters and potential ones.

"I need to bring these briefs up to Mr. Gardner. He's expecting me."

He wasn't but she figured he wouldn't mind the surprise too much. Probably not at all.

"Sure, go right ahead, Mrs. Florrick."

She rang the doorbell and waited for him. And waited. Wouldn't the doorman tell her if he wasn't home? And yet he had sent her a text to tell her that his marathon day in court had ended and that he would be heading straight back to his apartment unless she had some time for him. Funnily, she had thought herself able to perceive in his text just how exhausted he was, so she had reminded him that the weekend was near and assured him that they would see each other the day after.

She rang again, and finally, after a while, he came to open the door, in sweats. His hair was still wet. So he had been in the shower. Damn him! Did she really need to have that image before going home to her kids?

She didn't even have the time to see whether or not he was properly amazed at her impromptu visit before being guided inside and being pinned on the door. He didn't waste a second in kissing her. Her yelp of surprise died in her throat and was replaced by a moan of satisfaction at his tongue engaging hers and at his hands moving rapaciously all over her body. When his onslaught paused for a second and she had the chance of properly looking at him, she couldn't miss the purplish yellow gem on his upper lip.

"What happened?"

He seemed confused for a second before she very hesitantly touched the tender skin. He didn't hiss or flinch, which wasn't shocking, considering he hadn't before when his lip had been a very active participant in a very intense series of kisses.

"Nothing, forget about it. I'm so incredibly glad you're here. I should tell all of the doormen never to announce you ever again so that I can be pleasantly surprised more often."

"I have to go soon. Zach, Grace and I miraculously chose a movie that would fit us all and I can't be late. What happened? Someone punched you. It's not nothing."

"Let's spend these minutes more pleasurably, shall we?"

He lunged for her lips again but she stopped him.

"Never going to happen. The sooner you tell me, the less time we're losing."

"A drunkard at court. He was aiming for a cop, he got my lip."

It took merely a cursory glance to his eyes to understand he was lying.

"Why are you lying to me?"

"I'm not."

"Will..."

And then she connected the dots. He would conceal the story only if there was a particular man involved.

"It was Peter, wasn't it? He's going to hear it from me."

Her fury had her immediately reaching for her cell-phone but he gently intercepted her arm.

"Alicia, let it go! It's a split lip. I've coped with those before."

"I'm sorry, Will. I don't know what came over him..."

"I know."

"What?"

"He's lost you, Alicia and now you're here with me. I get why he would want to punch me. I have wanted to punch him more than once over the years."

"But you exercised some restrain, like normal people would."

"It doesn't matter. But you can do something for me."

"Which is..."

"You can kiss it better. You were doing such an excellent job before."

"I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did."

Will truly wasn't angry so she would allow Peter this one moment of divorce-induced irrationality. From then on, though, Will was off-limits and she would make sure Peter realized that.

"So, there was another reason for my coming here."

He was quite skeptical of this other reason and he gave voice to his lack of belief.

"Really? A reason that does not involve the words "I missed you terribly and I couldn't wait until tomorrow to see you?", really?"

"Yes, tomorrow is Friday."

"I'm aware of that. I'm also aware that you promised me something."

"Yes, but we haven't finalized any detail, so I had to come."

"Sure."

"I'll drop the children off to their father's and then I'll come straight up here."

His smile was intensifying with everything that came out of her mouth.

"What's with the cat-that-ate-the-canary grin?"

"Nothing, just that you could have told me all those things tomorrow and you chose not to."

Did he have to make it so obvious?

"You're insufferable."

"Am I? You seem to fare very well in my arms."

She fake-struggled for a second or two just to prove her point before he pounced on her lips again and all her energies went to keep him as close as possible.

"You're going to make me spend an uncomfortable night with my children trying not to rub my legs too much."

"I don't think so. What kind of thank-you-for-the-surprise-visit would that be?"

She could swear she hadn't had THAT in mind when she had parked near Will's apartment but he was already dropping on his knees and she had no intention whatsoever of stopping him. It had been a long and emotionally-charged day after all.

He pushed her skirt up gently and her underwear down much less so. Both his hands had taken to massage the insides of her thighs, going higher and higher with a circulating movement that drove her berserk.

Her hands were tugging his hair more and more violently, spurring him to accelerate his movements.

"I would normally say that you should have some patience but since your kids are waiting for you..."

The retort on how inappropriate he had been in nominating her kids in that circumstance never made it to be vocalized because his tongue had plunged into her, leaving her brain frizzled and incapable of forming neural connections.

He was weltering that very useful appendix of his teasing, touching, moving leaving not a stone unturned. Her breaths were becoming heavier and heavier and she was sure that under her closed eyelids her eyes were moving erratically.

His right hand seemed to be done with the ministrations on her leg, so he used his fingers to accompany his tongue before seemingly taking his whole mouth out the picture. Her vexation with that move would have made her scream had she not felt his lips on the only part of her that had felt neglected.

That was a move she could get behind. His digits rotating, delving and retreating inside her while his entire mouth was working on the front, kissing, sucking, sweeping, rubbing, stroking, licking to provoke a whirlwind of sensations even the most skilled of lawyers would never be able to verbalize.

He had her on the threshold of bliss fast and with her opposing no resistance, a few little maneuvers were enough to make her fall. She succumbed to the vibration, to the tingles her body was eliciting and relished in the euphoria he had made her reach.

"So, was that worth a second surprise visit?" he asked while getting up.

She kissed him before answering.

"I'd say so, you get a lot of points for effort and your result was satisfactory but the variety of your moves is still untested."

"Right, well, far from me to skirt a thorough examination. It's the only way to get the grade I deserve."

She would have loved to continue the teasing even all night long but she had a commitment to honor. She still made a note of the examiner/examinee scenario for further perusal.

She fixed herself a bit before eyeing the door-handle.

"I need to go."

"I know. Thanks for the visit."

"No need to thank me."

"You're right. I dare say you quite enjoyed it."

She got out of his apartment before her last teasing line of the evening.

"Or I'm really, really good at acting."

His face, composed in mock-outrage induced in her a burst of hilarity, which he reciprocated.

Their insouciant laughers carried her to her elevator and she thanked her lucky star for there not being anyone else in the aisle. Even a stranger could have no difficulties understanding exactly how she and Will felt about each other even just from the way they laughed.

Before entering the cabin, she used the only words that could express those feelings.

"I love you Will. See you tomorrow."

"Love you too, and can't wait."

**A/N: Thanks for getting here :D. If you want to read more of this fiction and you haven't already checked it out, I wrote a flash-forward of it called "The Name Game". **


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